TOEFL TPO -1 Writing Task 2 Sample: Nowadays, many celebrities are famous for their glamour and wealth rather than achievements and this sets a bad example for young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

1.Sub Scores

• Task fulfillment: 4

• Organization: 4

• Coherence and Cohesion: 4

• Language Use: 4

2.Estimated Scores

• Estimated Score: 25

3.Task completeness The essay addresses the topic and provides a clear stance on the issue, stating that the positive influence of celebrities outweighs the negative ones. However, it could be improved by providing more balanced arguments to show a deeper understanding of both sides of the issue. Additionally, some examples given in the essay are not directly related to celebrities being famous for their glamour and wealth.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Include more arguments discussing how celebrities famous for their glamour and wealth might set a bad example for young people.

• Provide more relevant examples that directly relate to the topic.

Examples:

1. Instead of discussing Jia Li's weight loss journey, focus on how celebrities who flaunt their wealth and glamour can lead young people to prioritize materialism over personal growth or achievements.

2. Discuss how celebrities who gain fame through scandals or controversies can negatively influence young people's behavior.

4.Essay structure and organization The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The organization is logical, with each paragraph focusing on specific points and supporting details. However, transitions between ideas could be improved to enhance coherence.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Use more cohesive devices (e.g., however, moreover) to connect ideas within paragraphs.

• Make sure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that introduces its main point.

Examples:

1. In the second body paragraph discussing wealth as motivation, start with a topic sentence like "Moreover, witnessing the financial success of celebrities can inspire individuals to strive for their own goals."

2. When transitioning from discussing positive influences to negative influences in the last body paragraph, use a cohesive device like "On the other hand" or "Nevertheless" to signal the shift in perspective.

5. Grammar

参考范文 Nowadays, with the rise of digital social media, it is convenient for common people to follow and check out their idols such as celebrities and influencers. However, some people are concerned about the negative impacts on society as a whole ushered by many celebrities who are famous for their glamour and wealth instead of accomplishments. Well, according to my understanding, the positive influence of celebrities far outweighs the negative ones.

On one hand, admiring and appreciating the glamour of celebrities helps to promote persistent and perseverant spirits among common people. The charm and beauty of celebrities only be maintained through long-term painstaking physical exercises, which require a strong spirit of persistence and perseverance. Ordinary individuals might be strongly motivated and inspired by their idols, leading to the development of healthy lifestyles. For example, with more than 20 million followers on social media, the Chinese pop actress JiaVia(misspelling) Li has successfully reduced her overweight, inspiring numerous people to take action to lose weight. It is well-known that struggling with losing weight is a highly demanding job that requires a strong spirit of persistence and perseverance. However, myriad fans of this charming actress have shown their great achievements on their journey of losing weight. Therefore, people can be highly motivated by focusing on the glamorglamour(misspelling) of influencers.

Additionally, the wealth of celebrities could also assist common individuals in setting up their goals and working towards their success. It is universally acknowledged that by witnessing the journey of celebrities’ wealth accumulation, individuals can be highly motivated and work diligently towards their goals. For example, one of the wealthiest profiles Jack Ma always sets a good example to individuals. As a business legend with great entrepreneurship and also the wealthiest person in China, he has established his giant E-commerce empire, Alibaba, from scratch. He often tells people that by delving into their interests, working painstakingly, and seizing great opportunities from the markets, they could still achieve great success in their own fields. Many young people who attended his public speeches were highly motivated by Jack Ma’s influential, thought-provoking ideas. Therefore, focusing on the wealth of celebrities can also have a positive impact on common people.

Admittedly, some people just pay attention to the superficial glamorglamour(misspelling) and wealth of influencers and hardly ever consider how to take action to achieve those desirable results. Even worse, getting addicted to excessive wealth and superficial charm, some people might put themselves in haphazard situations to pursue this artificial stuff, such as blindly doing plastic surgery to become more gorgeous and conducting fraud to get more money. For these points I just mentioned, the glamorglamour(misspelling) and wealth of popular profiles might set a negative example for ordinary individuals. However, most people might not lose themselves in their dream pictures and, and(comma between independent clauses) they know how to imitate their idols to make them better. In light of the points I just mentioned, even there are a few cases in which the charming outlook and opulence of influencers might set a bad example to common individuals. Mostly, celebrities could have a significantly positive influence on ordinary people because these folks could be highly motivated and inspired by popular profiles.

6.Revised Essay

In today's world, the rise of digital social media has made it increasingly convenient for people to follow and admire celebrities and influencers. However, there is growing concern about the negative impact on society when many celebrities gain fame for their glamour and wealth rather than their achievements. In my opinion, while there are some negative aspects to this phenomenon, the positive influence of celebrities generally outweighs the negatives.

On one hand, admiring and appreciating the glamour of celebrities can promote persistence and perseverance among individuals. The charm and beauty of these public figures are often maintained through long-term dedication to physical fitness and self-care, which requires a strong spirit of determination. Ordinary people may be motivated and inspired by their idols to adopt healthier lifestyles. For example, Chinese pop actress Jia Li has over 20 million followers on social media who have witnessed her successful weight loss journey. This has inspired numerous fans to take action in improving their own health by losing weight, a challenging task that demands persistence and perseverance.

Moreover, witnessing the financial success of celebrities can inspire individuals to strive for their own goals. By observing how these famous personalities accumulate wealth through hard work and seizing opportunities, people can be motivated to work diligently towards achieving success in their respective fields. For instance, Jack Ma, one of China's wealthiest entrepreneurs and founder of Alibaba Group, often shares his story of building his e-commerce empire from scratch. His thought-provoking ideas have motivated many young people who attended his public speeches to pursue their passions with dedication.

Nevertheless, there are instances where focusing on the superficial glamour and wealth of influencers can lead to negative consequences. Some individuals may become overly fixated on achieving these desirable results without considering the effort required or developing a realistic plan for success. In extreme cases, this obsession with wealth or physical appearance may lead people down harmful paths such as undergoing dangerous plastic surgery procedures or engaging in fraudulent activities in pursuit of money.

Furthermore, celebrities who gain fame through scandals or controversies can negatively influence young people's behavior. These public figures may inadvertently encourage impressionable individuals to prioritize materialism and superficial qualities over personal growth or achievements. To mitigate this issue, it is crucial for society to promote positive role models who exemplify the importance of hard work, integrity, and resilience.

In conclusion, while there are some negative aspects associated with celebrities being famous for their glamour and wealth, the overall impact on society is predominantly positive. By focusing on the perseverance and determination exhibited by these public figures in maintaining their appearance or achieving financial success, ordinary people can be inspired to pursue their own goals with similar dedication. However, it is essential for society to recognize the potential pitfalls of idolizing superficial qualities and ensure that young people are exposed to positive role models who emphasize the importance of personal growth and achievement. (489 words)

参考范文 7.Essay Grading

Nowadays, with In today's world, the rise of digital social media, media has made it is increasingly convenient for common people to follow and check out their idols such as admire celebrities and influencers. (This revision clarifies the context and removes redundancy.) However, there is growing concern about the negative impact on society when many celebrities gain fame for their glamour and wealth rather than their achievements. (This sentence is rephrased to improve clarity.) In my opinion, while there are some people are concerned about the negative impacts on society as a whole ushered by many celebrities who are famous for their glamour and wealth instead of accomplishments. Well, according to my understanding, aspects to this phenomenon, the positive influence of celebrities far generally outweighs the negative ones. negatives. (This revision adds a clear stance on the issue.)

On one hand, admiring and appreciating the glamour of celebrities helps to can promote persistent and perseverant spirits persistence and perseverance among common people. individuals. (The phrase "common people" is replaced with "individuals" for a more formal tone.) The charm and beauty of celebrities only be these public figures are often maintained through long-term painstaking dedication to physical exercises, fitness and self-care, which require requires a strong spirit of persistence and perseverance. determination. Ordinary individuals might people may be strongly motivated and inspired by their idols, leading to the development of healthy idols to adopt healthier lifestyles. For example, with more than 20 million followers on social media, the Chinese pop actress Jia Li has successfully reduced over 20 million followers on social media who have witnessed her overweight, inspiring successful weight loss journey. This has inspired numerous people fans to take action to lose weight. It is well-known in improving their own health by losing weight, a challenging task that struggling with losing weight is a highly demanding job that requires a strong spirit of demands persistence and perseverance. However, myriad fans of this charming actress have shown their great achievements on their journey of losing weight. Therefore,

Moreover, witnessing the financial success of celebrities can inspire individuals to strive for their own goals. By observing how these famous personalities accumulate wealth through hard work and seizing opportunities, people can be highly motivated by focusing on the glamor of influencers. ¶ Additionally, the wealth of celebrities could also assist common individuals in setting up their goals and working towards their success. It is universally acknowledged that by witnessing the journey of celebrities’ wealth accumulation, individuals can be highly motivated and to work diligently towards their goals. achieving success in their respective fields. For example, instance, Jack Ma, one of the China's wealthiest profiles Jack Ma always sets a good example to individuals. As a business legend with great entrepreneurship and also the wealthiest person in China, he has established entrepreneurs and founder of Alibaba Group, often shares his giant E-commerce empire, Alibaba, story of building his e-commerce empire from scratch. He often tells people that by delving into their interests, working painstakingly, and seizing great opportunities from the markets, they could still achieve great success in their own fields. Many His thought-provoking ideas have motivated many young people who attended his public speeches were highly motivated by Jack Ma’s influential, thought-provoking ideas. Therefore, to pursue their passions with dedication.

Nevertheless, there are instances where focusing on the superficial glamour and wealth of celebrities influencers can also have lead to negative consequences. Some individuals may become overly fixated on achieving these desirable results without considering the effort required or developing a positive impact on common people. ¶ Admittedly, some people just pay attention to the superficial glamor and realistic plan for success. In extreme cases, this obsession with wealth of influencers and hardly ever consider how to take action to achieve those desirable results. Even worse, getting addicted to excessive wealth and superficial charm, some people might put themselves in haphazard situations to pursue this artificial stuff, or physical appearance may lead people down harmful paths such as blindly doing undergoing dangerous plastic surgery to become more gorgeous and conducting fraud to get more procedures or engaging in fraudulent activities in pursuit of money. For these points I just mentioned, the glamor and wealth of popular profiles might set a negative example for ordinary individuals. However, most people might not lose themselves in their dream pictures and they know how to imitate their idols to make them better.

Furthermore, celebrities who gain fame through scandals or controversies can negatively influence young people's behavior. These public figures may inadvertently encourage impressionable individuals to prioritize materialism and superficial qualities over personal growth or achievements. To mitigate this issue, it is crucial for society to promote positive role models who exemplify the importance of hard work, integrity, and resilience.

In light of the points I just mentioned, even conclusion, while there are a few cases some negative aspects associated with celebrities being famous for their glamour and wealth, the overall impact on society is predominantly positive. By focusing on the perseverance and determination exhibited by these public figures in which the charming outlook and opulence of influencers might set a bad example to common individuals. Mostly, celebrities could have a significantly maintaining their appearance or achieving financial success, ordinary people can be inspired to pursue their own goals with similar dedication. However, it is essential for society to recognize the potential pitfalls of idolizing superficial qualities and ensure that young people are exposed to positive influence on ordinary people because these folks could be highly motivated and inspired by popular profiles.role models who emphasize the importance of personal growth and achievement. (This conclusion is rephrased for clarity and cohesion.)

8.Mind Map

• Thesis statement: Positive influence of celebrities outweighs the negatives
  • Topic sentence 1: Admiring glamour promotes persistence and perseverance
    • Sub-topic: Celebrities maintaining charm and beauty through dedication
    • Supporting example: Jia Li's weight loss journey inspiring fans
  • Topic sentence 2: Witnessing financial success inspires individuals to strive for goals
    • Sub-topic: Accumulating wealth through hard work and seizing opportunities
    • Supporting example: Jack Ma's story of building Alibaba Group from scratch
  • Topic sentence 3: Negative consequences of focusing on superficial glamour and wealth
    • Sub-topic: Over-fixation on achieving desirable results without realistic plans
    • Supporting example: Dangerous plastic surgery procedures or fraudulent activities for money
  • Topic sentence 4: Celebrities gaining fame through scandals negatively influence behavior
    • Sub-topic: Encouraging materialism and superficial qualities over personal growth or achievements
    • Supporting example: The need for positive role models exemplifying hard work, integrity, and resilience

9.Key Words

10.Additional Examples

1. Celebrities who use their fame and wealth for philanthropy can inspire others to contribute to charitable causes and make a positive impact on society.

2. Actors and musicians who have overcome significant obstacles in their careers can serve as role models for perseverance and determination, motivating young people to work hard despite challenges.

3. Athletes who demonstrate good sportsmanship and teamwork can positively influence young people's attitudes towards competition and cooperation.

4. Successful entrepreneurs who share their knowledge and experience through mentorship programs can help guide the next generation of business leaders towards success.

5. Celebrities who advocate for social issues or environmental causes can raise awareness and inspire others to take action, leading to positive change in society.