TOEFL Writing Task 2 Sample: If you were going to be stranded on a desert island, what few things would you most want to have with you and why?

1.子项得分 任务完成度：4 组织：4 连贯与衔接：4 语言使用：4

2.预估分数

25. 3.任务完成度

你的文章在回答题目方面做得不错，但可以更加明确地说明你希望带到荒岛上的物品。例如，你只提到了大提琴，但题目要求是“几样东西”。为了提高任务完成度，请确保回答题目中的所有要求。

示例1： 如果我被困在荒岛上，我最想带的几样东西包括我的大提琴、一本关于生存技巧的书和一个多功能工具。

示例2： 在荒岛上，我会带上大提琴、一个过滤水的装置和一把瑞士军刀，以应对各种挑战。

4.文章结构与组织 文章结构基本合理，但可以进一步优化。首先，在引言部分简要介绍你选择的物品，并在正文部分详细解释每个物品对你的重要性。此外，在结论部分总结为什么这些物品对你来说至关重要。这将使文章更加有条理和清晰。

建议1（简化）： 引言：如果我被困在荒岛上，我最想带的几样东西包括我的大提琴、一本关于生存技巧的书和一个多功能工具。 正文：（分别详细解释每个物品的重要性） 结论：总之，这些物品对我来说至关重要，因为它们不仅可以帮助我在荒岛上生存，还可以让我在艰难时刻保持乐观和坚定。

建议2（简化）： 引言：在荒岛上，我会带上大提琴、一个过滤水的装置和一把瑞士军刀，以应对各种挑战。 正文：（分别详细解释每个物品的重要性） 结论：综上所述，这些物品将帮助我应对荒岛生活中可能遇到的困难，并让我在逆境中找到安慰和力量。

5. 语法批改

If I were to be stranded on a desert island, one thing that I would certainly bring with me would be my cello.

When I got introduced to the cello, I was reluctant to learn how to play it. I thoughtthought,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) “Would it be possible for me to play something that is almost twice my size?” The first few years of practicing cello waswere(Detects potentially wrong usage of "was") extremely painful. Having to sit still and play the cello for one hour a day is extremely difficult for a boy who always has huge amounts of energy. Also, I was perplexed by many of the concepts my teacher was teaching me. However, there was always a voice inside of me telling me to persevere. As I became better and better, I was able to start playing more and more sophisticated pieces. Unfortunately, I still wasn’t able to see the benefit of playing the cello.

As I moved on into middle school, there was a huge increase in the workload, and I was not able to spend one hour a day on practicing the cello. It stayed that way for a while, but something felt missing to me. One day, as I came home from another stressful day of school, I went over to my cello. I picked up my cello and played one simple note. An immense sense of ease came over me. Unconsciously, my fingers started dancing across the stringsstrings,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) playing the melodies I know the best. I felt as if all my pressure was gone. After that day, I would always try to squeeze out some time to play the cello to relieve my stress.

For other people, they might choose to bring food, or they might choose to bring water. I am different. I would like to bring my cello because it would be a constant reminder for myself to stay determined no matter the circumstances. IFurthermore, I(Successive sentences beginning with the same word) would also love to be able to immerse myself in the world of melodies when I feel bored or stressed on the deserted island.

6.文章修订

If I were to be stranded on a desert island, there are a few essential items I would want to have with me: my cello, a survival guidebook, and a versatile multi-tool. These items would not only help me survive the challenging conditions but also provide comfort and mental strength during difficult times.

The cello has always been an integral part of my life. Initially, I was hesitant to learn how to play it due to its intimidating size. The first few years of practice were physically and mentally demanding, as I struggled to sit still for an hour each day and comprehend the complex concepts taught by my teacher. Despite these challenges, an inner voice urged me to persevere. Gradually, my skills improved, and I was able to play increasingly sophisticated pieces. However, it wasn't until middle school that I truly appreciated the benefits of playing the cello.

During middle school, the workload increased significantly, leaving me with little time for daily cello practice. This absence left me feeling incomplete until one day when I returned home from a stressful day at school and picked up my cello. As soon as I played a single note, an overwhelming sense of calm washed over me. My fingers danced across the strings as familiar melodies flowed effortlessly from them. From that moment on, playing the cello became my go-to stress-reliever.

On a deserted island, many people might prioritize food or water; however, having my cello would serve as a constant reminder of determination and resilience in the face of adversity. It would also allow me to immerse myself in a world of melodies whenever boredom or stress arises.

In addition to my cello, having a survival guidebook would be crucial for navigating life on a desert island. This book would provide valuable information on finding food and water sources, building shelter from natural materials found on the island, and creating tools necessary for hunting and protection. Furthermore, it would teach me essential first aid techniques to treat potential injuries and illnesses.

Lastly, a versatile multi-tool would be indispensable in various survival situations. Equipped with a knife, pliers, screwdriver, and other essential tools, this compact device would assist me in constructing shelter, preparing food, and performing countless other tasks that would otherwise be impossible with bare hands.

In conclusion, the combination of my cello, a survival guidebook, and a multi-tool would not only ensure my physical well-being on a desert island but also provide mental strength and comfort during challenging times. These items represent the perfect balance between practicality and emotional support necessary for thriving in an isolated environment. (438 words)

7.文章批改

If I were to be stranded on a desert island, one thing that I would certainly bring there are a few essential items I would want to have with me would be my cello. ¶ When me: my cello, a survival guidebook, and a versatile multi-tool. (Changed "a few things" to "a few essential items" for specificity) These items would not only help me survive the challenging conditions but also provide comfort and mental strength during difficult times.

The cello has always been an integral part of my life. (Rephrased "When I got introduced to the cello, cello" for better flow) Initially, I was reluctant hesitant to learn how to play it. I thought “Would it be possible for me to play something that is almost twice my size?” due to its intimidating size. The first few years of practicing cello was extremely painful. Having practice were physically and mentally demanding, as I struggled to sit still and play the cello for one for an hour a each day is extremely difficult for a boy who always has huge amounts of energy. Also, I was perplexed and comprehend the complex concepts taught by many of the concepts my teacher was teaching me. However, there was always a my teacher. Despite these challenges, an inner voice inside of me telling urged me to persevere. As I became better and better, Gradually, my skills improved, and I was able to start playing more and more play increasingly sophisticated pieces. Unfortunately, I still wasn’t able to see the benefit However, it wasn't until middle school that I truly appreciated the benefits of playing the cello.

As I moved on into During middle school, there was a huge increase in the workload, and I was not able to spend the workload increased significantly, leaving me with little time for daily cello practice. This absence left me feeling incomplete until one hour a day on practicing the cello. It stayed that way for a while, but something felt missing to me. One day, as I came when I returned home from another a stressful day of school, I went over to my cello. I at school and picked up my cello and cello. As soon as I played one simple note. An immense a single note, an overwhelming sense of ease came calm washed over me. Unconsciously, my My fingers started dancing danced across the strings as familiar melodies flowed effortlessly from them. From that moment on, playing the melodies I know the best. I felt cello became my go-to stress-reliever.

On a deserted island, many people might prioritize food or water; however, having my cello would serve as if all my pressure was gone. After that day, I would always try to squeeze out some time to play the cello to relieve my stress. ¶ For other people, they might choose to bring food, or they might choose to bring water. I am different. I would like to bring my cello because it would be a constant reminder for myself to stay determined no matter the circumstances. I of determination and resilience in the face of adversity. (Rephrased "I am different" for better flow) It would also love to be able allow me to immerse myself in the a world of melodies when I feel bored whenever boredom or stressed stress arises.

In addition to my cello, having a survival guidebook would be crucial for navigating life on the deserted island.a desert island. (Added "In addition to my cello" for better cohesion) This book would provide valuable information on finding food and water sources, building shelter from natural materials found on the island, and creating tools necessary for hunting and protection. Furthermore, it would teach me essential first aid techniques to treat potential injuries and illnesses.

Lastly, a versatile multi-tool would be indispensable in various survival situations. (Rephrased "For other people" for better flow) Equipped with a knife, pliers, screwdriver, and other essential tools, this compact device would assist me in constructing shelter, preparing food, and performing countless other tasks that would otherwise be impossible with bare hands.

In conclusion, the combination of my cello, a survival guidebook, and a multi-tool would not only ensure my physical well-being on a desert island but also provide mental strength and comfort during challenging times. (Rephrased "I would also love" for better flow) These items represent the perfect balance between practicality and emotional support necessary for thriving in an isolated environment.

8.思维导图

• Thesis statement: Essential items for a desert island: cello, survival guidebook, multi-tool

  • Topic sentence 1: The importance of the cello
    • Sub-topic: Emotional connection to the cello
      • Supporting example: Stress relief during middle school
  • Topic sentence 2: The necessity of a survival guidebook
    • Sub-topic: Practical knowledge for survival
      • Supporting example: Finding food and water sources, building shelter, first aid techniques
  • Topic sentence 3: The usefulness of a versatile multi-tool
    • Sub-topic: Assistance in various survival situations
      • Supporting example: Constructing shelter, preparing food, performing tasks with limited resources

• Conclusion: Balance between practicality and emotional support for thriving in isolation

9.关键词

10.补充示例

1. The cello would also allow me to create my own entertainment, as I could compose new melodies and experiment with different musical styles.

2. A survival guidebook could also include information on identifying edible plants and avoiding poisonous ones, which would be crucial for maintaining a healthy diet on the island.

3. The multi-tool's built-in fire starter would enable me to cook food and stay warm during cold nights, improving my overall well-being.

4. Learning to adapt to the challenges of living on a desert island would foster personal growth and self-reliance, making me more resourceful in other aspects of life.

5. The experience of surviving on a desert island could inspire me to share my story with others, potentially motivating them to overcome their own obstacles and embrace life's challenges.

1.子项得分

• 任务完成度: 4

• 文章结构与组织: 3

• 连贯性与衔接: 3

• 语言运用: 3

2.预估分数 总分：22

3.任务完成度 您的文章回答了题目，但可以更具体地描述每个物品的重要性。在解释为什么选择某个物品时，可以提供更多详细信息和例子。

改进建议：

• 对于每个物品，详细说明它们如何帮助您生存。

• 使用更具体的例子来说明这些物品的重要性。

示例：

1. 在描述带刀子的原因时，可以写：“我会带一把刀，因为它不仅可以用来保护自己免受野生动物的侵害，还可以用来砍伐树木制作临时住所。”

2. 在解释为什么需要火柴时，可以写：“火柴对我来说至关重要，因为除了烹饪食物外，火还可以驱赶昆虫和野生动物，并在寒冷的夜晚提供温暖。”

4.文章结构与组织 文章结构基本清晰，但段落之间缺乏明确的过渡。此外，在引入新观点或物品时，可以使用主题句来引导读者。

改进建议：

• 使用主题句来引导每个段落。

• 在段落之间添加过渡词或短语，使文章更连贯。

示例：

1. 在讨论带刀子的原因时，可以使用这样的主题句：“携带一把刀对我在荒岛生存至关重要。”

2. 在描述为什么需要火柴时，可以在前一个段落结束时添加过渡词：“此外，火柴在荒岛生活中也扮演着重要角色。”

3. 语法批改

If I am stranded on a desert land, fewthe few(This rule identifies whether the article 'the' is missing in a sentence.) things I would bring to the island would probably be food, water, a tent, a knife, matches, and a flashlight. Those things I think could help me survive because there is protection, there are things to eat or drink, and shelter for me to stay in. (Whitespace repetition (bad formatting)) I would bring foodfood,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) since I do need food to survive. AlsoAlso,(Commas after conjunctive/linking adverbs in front of a new sentence.) the things on the desert island might not be edible. Without foodfood,(Missing comma after introductory phrase) I might not find anything in the desert to eat. It at least can provide me with a few days of food. If I can’t find foodfood,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) I will starve to death. I would also bring waterwater,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) since I do need water to survive. Without waterwater,(Missing comma after introductory phrase) I will die pretty soon. I am also surrounded by the ocean, and I can not drink the sea waterseawater(sea food (seafood)). I would bring a tent because it can give me shelter, there might not be trees or other things there for making a shelter as protection. That it would be tough for the first night without shelter because there might be other animals there coming out at night. The weather might be really coldfreezing(Extreme adjectives) and, and(comma between independent clauses) I might freeze to death. I would probably bring a knife for protection, and to cut things that I can’t break. Matches to start a fire, so that the fire could heat food. Without itit,(Missing comma after pronoun) I would probably eat raw food. That when it is cold it could provide heat to make me warm. I am stuck on the island. My goal is to get off and go home. The fire is also for when planes, or boats pass by and see the fire they could come and rescue me, and bring me back home. If I bring a flashlightflashlight,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) I could see what is going on at night if I hear any noise. Without itit,(Missing comma after pronoun) I would not see anything at night, and that could be scary too.
I Would bring those things with me because they can help me survive on the deserted island. When I am on the island, the most important thing is to stay alive, and to get off fast. (Whitespace repetition (bad formatting))

6.文章修订

If I were to be stranded on a deserted island, there are several essential items I would want to have with me: food, water, a tent, a knife, matches, and a flashlight. These items would significantly increase my chances of survival by providing protection, sustenance, and shelter.

Firstly, I would bring non-perishable food items since they are crucial for my survival. The island may not have edible resources readily available, and having a reliable source of nourishment will ensure that I can maintain my strength and energy. Without food, the risk of starvation is imminent. A supply of canned goods or high-energy bars could provide sustenance for several days while I search for additional sources of nourishment on the island.

Secondly, access to clean drinking water is vital for human survival. Although surrounded by ocean water, it is undrinkable due to its high salt content. Dehydration can lead to severe health issues or even death within a short period; thus, having an ample supply of fresh water is indispensable. Additionally, it would be beneficial to bring a portable water filter or purification tablets in case my initial supply runs out.

A tent is another essential item for shelter and protection from the elements. The island may lack natural resources such as trees or caves suitable for creating makeshift shelters. A tent offers immediate refuge from potential threats like wild animals or harsh weather conditions like rain or cold temperatures during the night.

A knife serves multiple purposes in a survival situation: protection against potential dangers like wild animals and cutting materials needed for various tasks such as building shelters or preparing food. It is an invaluable tool that can make all the difference in an emergency.

Matches are crucial for starting fires which serve numerous purposes in survival situations: cooking food, boiling water to purify it if necessary, providing warmth during cold nights and warding off insects or predators attracted by the fire's light and heat. Furthermore, a fire can act as a distress signal to attract the attention of passing ships or planes, increasing the chances of rescue.

Lastly, a flashlight is an indispensable tool for navigating the island during nighttime hours. It allows me to see my surroundings and avoid potential hazards such as cliffs or dangerous animals. Moreover, it can serve as another signaling device to attract rescuers' attention.

In conclusion, bringing food, water, a tent, a knife, matches, and a flashlight would significantly improve my chances of survival on a deserted island. These items provide sustenance, shelter, protection from potential dangers and facilitate essential tasks such as cooking and signaling for help. When stranded on an island, the most crucial objective is to stay alive and find a way back home as quickly as possible. By having these items with me, I can increase my odds of achieving that goal.

Essay statistics: {"words": 452, "unique_words": 222} (481 words)

7.文章批改

If I am were to be stranded on a desert land, few things deserted island, there are several essential items I would want to have with me: food, water, a tent, a knife, matches, and a flashlight. (Revised for clarity and conciseness) These items would significantly increase my chances of survival by providing protection, sustenance, and shelter. (Revised for coherence)

Firstly, I would bring to the non-perishable food items since they are crucial for my survival. (Revised for specificity) The island would probably be may not have edible resources readily available, and having a reliable source of nourishment will ensure that I can maintain my strength and energy. (Revised for clarity) Without food, water, a tent, a knife, matches, and a flashlight. Those things the risk of starvation is imminent. A supply of canned goods or high-energy bars could provide sustenance for several days while I think could help me survive because there is protection, there are things to eat or drink, and shelter for me to stay in. ¶ I would bring food since I do need food to survive. Also the things search for additional sources of nourishment on the desert island might not be edible. Without food I might not find anything in the desert to eat. It at least can provide me with a few days of food. If I can’t find food I will starve to death. I would also bring island. (Revised for detail)

Secondly, access to clean drinking water since I do need water to survive. Without water I will die pretty soon. I am also is vital for human survival. Although surrounded by the ocean, and I ocean water, it is undrinkable due to its high salt content. Dehydration can not drink the sea water. I would bring a tent because it can give me shelter, there might not be trees or other things there for making a shelter as protection. That lead to severe health issues or even death within a short period; thus, having an ample supply of fresh water is indispensable. (Revised for clarity) Additionally, it would be tough for the first night without beneficial to bring a portable water filter or purification tablets in case my initial supply runs out. (Revised for detail)

A tent is another essential item for shelter because there might be other and protection from the elements. The island may lack natural resources such as trees or caves suitable for creating makeshift shelters. A tent offers immediate refuge from potential threats like wild animals there coming out at or harsh weather conditions like rain or cold temperatures during the night. The weather might be really (Revised for coherence)

A knife serves multiple purposes in a survival situation: protection against potential dangers like wild animals and cutting materials needed for various tasks such as building shelters or preparing food. It is an invaluable tool that can make all the difference in an emergency. (Revised for clarity)

Matches are crucial for starting fires which serve numerous purposes in survival situations: cooking food, boiling water to purify it if necessary, providing warmth during cold and I might freeze to death. I nights and warding off insects or predators attracted by the fire's light and heat. (Revised for coherence) Furthermore, a fire can act as a distress signal to attract the attention of passing ships or planes, increasing the chances of rescue. (Revised for detail)

Lastly, a flashlight is an indispensable tool for navigating the island during nighttime hours. It allows me to see my surroundings and avoid potential hazards such as cliffs or dangerous animals. Moreover, it can serve as another signaling device to attract rescuers' attention. (Revised for clarity)

In conclusion, bringing food, water, a tent, a knife, matches, and a flashlight would probably bring a knife for protection, and to cut things that I can’t break. Matches to start a fire, so that the fire could heat food. Without it I would probably eat raw food. That when it is cold it could provide heat to make me warm. I am stuck significantly improve my chances of survival on the island. My goal is to get off and go home. The fire is also for when planes, or boats pass by and see the fire they could come and rescue me, and bring me back home. If I bring a flashlight I could see what is going on at night if I hear any noise. Without it I would not see anything at night, and that could be scary too. ¶ I Would bring those things with me because they can help me survive on the a deserted island. These items provide sustenance, shelter, protection from potential dangers and facilitate essential tasks such as cooking and signaling for help. When stranded on an island, the most crucial objective is to stay alive and find a way back home as quickly as possible. By having these items with me, I am on the island, the most important thing is to stay alive, and to get off fast.can increase my odds of achieving that goal. (Revised for coherence)

Essay statistics: {"words": 452, "unique_words": 222}

8.思维导图

• Thesis statement: Essential items for survival on a deserted island

  • Topic sentence 1: Food
    • Sub-topic: Non-perishable food items
    • Supporting example: Canned goods, high-energy bars
  • Topic sentence 2: Water
    • Sub-topic: Clean drinking water
    • Supporting example: Portable water filter, purification tablets
  • Topic sentence 3: Shelter
    • Sub-topic: Tent for protection from elements and threats
  • Topic sentence 4: Tools and resources
    • Sub-topic 1: Knife for protection and various tasks
    • Sub-topic 2: Matches for starting fires, cooking, warmth, and signaling
    • Sub-topic 3: Flashlight for nighttime navigation and signaling rescuers

• Conclusion: Items increase chances of survival and achieving the goal of returning home

9.关键词

10.补充示例

1. Solar-powered charger: A solar-powered charger can be used to charge electronic devices such as a phone or GPS, which could be crucial for communication and navigation.

2. Fishing gear: Having fishing gear like a fishing line and hooks can help catch fish as an additional source of food while stranded on the island.

3. First aid kit: A first aid kit is essential for treating injuries or illnesses that may occur in a survival situation, increasing the chances of staying healthy until rescue arrives.

4. Signaling mirror: A signaling mirror can be used during daylight hours to reflect sunlight and catch the attention of passing ships or planes, increasing the chances of being spotted and rescued.

5. Rainwater collection system: Setting up a simple rainwater collection system using a tarp or other materials can provide an additional source of fresh water if supplies run low.