TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Your professor is teaching a class on charitable work. Write a post responding to the professor's question.

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.5

• Language Use and Grammar: 4

2. 预估分数

26. 3 任务完成度

总体来说，这篇文章在任务完成度方面表现良好。你对问题的回答很明确，也提供了合理的论据支持。然而，有一些建议可以帮助你进一步提高文章质量。首先，在讨论中可以引入更多具体的例子来增强论点的说服力。其次，尽量避免使用过于口语化的表达，以保持文章的正式和学术性。

示例1（添加具体例子）： 原文：Nowadays, many university students choose to do part-time jobs after class in order to compensate their students' loans or buy their ideal products. 修改后：Nowadays, many university students choose to do part-time jobs after class in order to compensate their students' loans or buy their ideal products. For instance, a student may work at a local food bank on weekends, which not only helps the community but also allows them to earn some extra income.

示例2（避免口语化表达）： 原文：Such kind of charity job with salary must be a great deal for them... 修改后：Such paid charity work would be highly appealing to them...

4. 文章结构与组织

这篇文章在结构和组织方面基本上做得不错。你有清晰的引言、主体和结论，文章的逻辑也比较清楚。但是，可以在段落之间添加更明确的过渡词或短语，以便更好地连接各个部分。

示例1（添加过渡词）： 原文：This also encourages more college students and older people to get involved. 修改后：Moreover, this also encourages more college students and older people to get involved.

示例2（添加过渡短语）： 原文：For example, my roommate always seeks this kind of job opportunities on online websites... 修改后：To illustrate this point, my roommate always seeks this kind of job opportunities on online websites...

5. 语法批改

From my perspective, I concur with Claire's argument that a small amount of payment is needed for those who are eager to help. After all, for some people, this can serve as a way to earn some pocket money instead of working outside. This also encourages more college students and older people to get involved. Nowadays, many university students choose to do part-time jobs after class in order to compensate their students' loans or buy their ideal products. Such kind of charity job with salary must be a great deal for them, since they can not only get profits, but also help those who are in need. For example, my roommate always seeks this kind of job opportunities on online websites, and he will be willing to participate in community-support activities. Taken all these into consideration, I firmly believe that this method will benefit both ends of people, with a significant improvement on the quality of community service.

Section Title: Encouraging Participation in Charitable Work

In my opinion, I agree with Claire's suggestion that offering a modest remuneration for those participating in charitable work could be an effective way to increase involvement. For some individuals, this may serve as an opportunity to earn extra income while contributing positively to their community. This approach is particularly appealing to college students and older adults who might be seeking part-time employment. Many university students take on part-time jobs after class to offset student loans or afford desired items. Thus, a paid charitable position would be highly attractive as it allows them to both earn money and assist those in need. For instance, my roommate frequently searches for such job opportunities on online platforms and is eager to engage in community-support activities. Taking these factors into account, I am confident that this strategy will benefit all parties involved and significantly enhance the quality of community service provided. (155 words)

From In my perspective, opinion, I concur agree with Claire's argument suggestion (rephrased for clarity and conciseness) that offering a small amount of payment is needed modest remuneration (revised for more formal language) for those who are eager to help. After all, for participating in charitable work could be an effective way to increase involvement. For some people, individuals, this can may serve as a way an opportunity to earn some pocket money instead of working outside. extra income (rephrased for clarity) while contributing positively to their community. This also encourages more approach is particularly appealing to college students and older people to get involved. Nowadays, many adults who might be seeking part-time employment. Many university students choose to do take on part-time jobs after class in order to compensate their students' to offset student loans or buy their ideal products. Such kind of charity job with salary must afford desired items (rephrased for clarity). Thus, a paid charitable position would be a great deal for them, since they can not only get profits, but also help highly attractive as it allows them to both earn money and assist those who are in need. need (rephrased for conciseness). For example, instance, my roommate always seeks this kind of frequently searches for such job opportunities on online websites, and he will be willing to participate platforms (revised for more precise language) and is eager to engage in community-support activities. Taken all Taking these factors into consideration, account (rephrased for a more natural tone), I firmly believe am confident that this method strategy will benefit both ends of people, with a significant improvement on all parties involved and significantly enhance the quality of community service.service provided (rephrased for clarity and conciseness).

8 思维导图

1. Encouraging Participation in Charitable Work
   ├── 1.1 Agree with Claire's suggestion
   │       ├── 1.1.1 Modest remuneration
   │       └── 1.1.2 Increase involvement
   ├── 1.2 Opportunity for extra income
   │       ├── 1.2.1 College students
   │       └── 1.2.2 Older adults
   ├── 1.3 Part-time employment appeal
   │       ├── 1.3.1 Offset student loans
   │       └── 1.3.2 Afford desired items
   ├── 1.4 Paid charitable position attractiveness
   │       └── 1.4.1 Earn money and assist those in need
   └── 1.5 Example: roommate searching for opportunities online

9 关键词