TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Instructions Your professor is teaching a class on political science. Write a post responding to the professor's question. In your response you should: • express and support your personal opinion • make a contribution to the discussion in your own words. An effective response will contain at least 100 words.

1. Sub Scores

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0 Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 27

3. Task completeness

The essay does a good job of addressing the specific requirements of the task by expressing a personal opinion and contributing to the discussion. However, there is room for improvement in terms of elaborating on the viewpoint and providing more specific examples or details to support the argument. Additionally, some minor grammatical errors should be addressed.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Provide more specific examples or details to support your argument.

• Revise the essay to correct minor grammatical errors.

Examples in English:

1. "By investing in renewable energy sources such as solar and wind power, governments can reduce dependence on fossil fuels, leading to a cleaner environment and improved public health."

2. "Educating people about environmental issues is important, but without direct government intervention through policies and regulations, it may not be enough to create significant change."

4. Essay structure and organization

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, some paragraphs could be more focused on specific points with supporting details. Transitions between ideas and paragraphs could also be improved for better flow.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Focus each paragraph on a specific point with supporting details.

• Improve transitions between ideas and paragraphs for better flow.

Examples in English:

1. "While education is crucial for raising awareness about environmental issues, direct government intervention through policies such as emission regulations or plastic bans can have an immediate impact on reducing pollution."

2. "In conclusion, prioritizing environmental protection over education ensures that basic human needs are met while still recognizing the importance of education in fostering long-term solutions."

5. Grammar

While both Sara and Taehyun present valid points, I believe that governments should invest onin(This rule identifies wrong preposition usage.) environmental protections, such as exploring methods that can replace petroleum and can be easily reproduced. It is important to remember that the environment on Earth impacts a everyonea(The you (you)), every creaturescreature('every/each' + SINGULAR) in the world, and Earth's circumstance plays a vital role in determining the every citizenscitizen's(Possessive apostrophe error) health standards and the survival of humans. By offering fantastic protections to the Earth's in environment, citizen's physical health standard can increase, which will result in a better life condition, which is more important than education and human's basic needs according to MoslowMoscow(misspelling)'s hierarchy of needs. Although TaehyunTae-hyun(misspelling) highlights the importance of educating people, which can result in their knowledge in protecting environment, she fails to consider that most people nowdaysnowadays(misspelling) still do not have a proper understanding of protecting environment even if they did an excellent job in school. In such cases, investing mostly on education would not result in environment protections but maintaining the pollution human set to Earth. Therefore, focusing on environmental protections is more important, because in this way will the basic needs of human beings be fulfilled.

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

Both Sara and Taehyun raise compelling arguments; however, I maintain that governments should prioritize environmental protections, such as researching sustainable alternatives to petroleum and other non-renewable resources. It is crucial to recognize that Earth's environment affects all living beings, and its condition plays a vital role in determining public health standards and human survival. By implementing robust environmental protections, we can improve citizens' physical well-being, leading to enhanced living conditions. This is more important than education when considering Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

Although Taehyun emphasizes the significance of education in fostering environmental awareness, it is important to note that many individuals today still lack a proper understanding of environmental conservation despite receiving quality education. In such instances, investing primarily in education may not yield the desired outcomes for environmental protection but rather perpetuate existing pollution levels. Consequently, concentrating on environmental protections proves more essential as it directly addresses the fundamental needs of humanity. (158 words)

While both Both Sara and Taehyun present valid points, raise compelling arguments (revised for clarity and conciseness); however, I believe maintain that governments should invest on environmental protections, prioritize environmental protections (rephrased for better flow), such as exploring methods that can replace researching sustainable alternatives to petroleum and can be easily reproduced. other non-renewable resources (clarified the meaning). It is important to remember crucial to recognize (revised for emphasis) that the Earth's environment on Earth impacts a everyone, every creatures in the world, and Earth's circumstance affects all living beings, and its condition plays a vital role in determining the every citizens public health standards and the human survival of humans. (rephrased for clarity). By offering fantastic implementing robust environmental protections to the Earth's in environment, citizen's (revised for better word choice), we can improve citizens' physical health standard can increase, which will result in a better life condition, which well-being, leading to enhanced living conditions (rephrased for better flow). This is more important than education and human's basic when considering Maslow's hierarchy of needs according to Moslow's hierarchy of needs. (corrected spelling and clarified the reference).

Although Taehyun highlights the importance of educating people, which can result emphasizes the significance of education in their knowledge in protecting environment, she fails to consider fostering environmental awareness (rephrased for clarity), it is important to note that most people nowdays many individuals today still do not have lack a proper understanding of protecting environment even if they did an excellent job in school. environmental conservation despite receiving quality education (clarified the point). In such cases, instances, investing mostly primarily in education may not yield the desired outcomes for environmental protection but rather perpetuate existing pollution levels (rephrased for better flow). Consequently, concentrating on education would not result in environment environmental protections but maintaining the pollution human set to Earth. Therefore, focusing on environmental protections is proves more important, because in this way will the basic essential as it directly addresses the fundamental needs of human beings be fulfilled.humanity (revised for emphasis and clarity).

8 Mind Map

1. Introduction

   • Environmental protections vs. education
   • Importance of Earth's environment

2. Public health and well-being

   • Effects of environmental conditions on health
   • Improved living conditions through environmental protections

3. Maslow's hierarchy of needs

   • Basic needs vs. education

4. Education and environmental awareness

   • Ineffectiveness in some cases

5. Direct impact of environmental protections

   • Addressing fundamental human needs

6. Investment in education vs. environmental protection

   • Prioritizing resources for maximum impact

7. Pollution levels and consequences

   • Importance of reducing pollution for human survival

8. Conclusion

   • Prioritizing environmental protections over education

9 Key Words