TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: For those who wish to support only one type of cnarity, either international or local, which is the better choice? And why?

1. 子项得分

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0 Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. 预估分数

26. 3 任务完成度

这篇文章在完成任务方面做得相当不错，但仍有一些改进的空间。首先，尽管文章回答了问题并提供了一个具体的例子来支持观点，但它没有充分探讨国际慈善组织的优势和劣势。此外，文章中提到的“Claire”并未在阅读材料中出现，这可能会导致一些混淆。为了改进这篇文章，建议在讨论国际慈善组织时提供更多细节，并使用阅读材料中的学生名称。

Example 1: Instead of mentioning "Claire," you could write, "I agree with Student A's idea that it is more significant to support local charities rather than international ones due to the fact that local charities usually focus on solving problems that can directly affect our lives."

Example 2: To provide a more balanced discussion, you could add a sentence like, "While international charities have the potential to create widespread impact as Student B mentioned, I still believe that supporting local charities allows for a more direct and visible difference in our communities."

4. 文章结构与组织

文章的结构和组织方面基本上是合理的，包括引言、主体和结论。然而，可以通过增加过渡句子和更清晰地划分段落来改进文章的组织。此外，可以考虑在引言中简要提及国际慈善组织的观点，以便在主体部分进行更全面的讨论。

Example 1: To improve the introduction, you could write, "In this essay, I will discuss the advantages of supporting local charities as mentioned by Student A and also briefly touch upon the benefits of international charities as argued by Student B."

Example 2: To create a smoother transition between ideas, you could add a sentence like, "Although international charities address global issues that affect millions of people, the impact of local charities can be more directly felt and observed in our own communities."

5. 语法批改

I agree with Claire’s idea that it is more significant to support local charities rather than international onesones,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) due to the fact that local charities usually focus on solving problems that can directly affect our lives. For example, there is a local charity in our community paying attention to stray or abandoned cats, which have already caused overpopulation. I have supported the charity for about 3 years and witnessed the changes happening in our community: cats are sterilized and vaccinated, and thus the number of them are controlled. I benefit from these efforts: lessfewer(fewer with countable nouns (less)) cats will hang around my house and ask me for food now. On the other hand, international charities often care about topics like poverty in Africa and environmental protection for rainforest, which require years of effort to make little changes, making it hard for me to feel a sense of involvement.

Title: 6 文章修订

In addressing the question of whether to support local or international charities, I concur with the notion that prioritizing local organizations yields more tangible benefits. Local charities typically concentrate on resolving issues that directly impact our daily lives. For instance, a community-based charity in my area focuses on addressing the overpopulation of stray and abandoned cats. Over the past three years, I have supported this organization and observed the positive changes within our community: cats are now sterilized and vaccinated, effectively controlling their numbers. Consequently, fewer cats loiter around my home seeking food. Conversely, international charities often tackle broader issues such as poverty in Africa or rainforest conservation, which necessitate long-term efforts to effect incremental change. This makes it challenging for me to feel a sense of personal involvement or witness immediate results from my contributions. (139 words)

I agree with Claire’s idea that it is more significant In addressing the question of whether to support local or international charities rather than international ones due to (revised for clarity and conciseness), I concur with the fact notion that prioritizing local organizations yields more tangible benefits (rephrased for better flow). Local charities usually focus typically concentrate on solving problems resolving issues that can directly affect impact our lives. daily lives (revised for clarity). For example, there is instance, a local community-based charity in our community paying attention to my area focuses on addressing the overpopulation of stray or and abandoned cats, which have already caused overpopulation. cats (rephrased for better flow). Over the past three years, I have supported this organization and observed the charity for about 3 years and witnessed the positive changes happening in within our community: cats are now sterilized and vaccinated, effectively controlling their numbers (revised for clarity and thus the number of them are controlled. I benefit from these efforts: less conciseness). Consequently, fewer cats will hang loiter around my house and ask me home seeking food (rephrased for food now. On the other hand, better flow). Conversely, international charities often care about topics like tackle broader issues such as poverty in Africa or rainforest conservation, which necessitate long-term efforts to effect incremental change (revised for clarity and environmental protection for rainforest, which require years of effort to make little changes, making conciseness). This makes it hard challenging for me to feel a sense of involvement.personal involvement or witness immediate results from my contributions (rephrased for better flow).

Title: 8 思维导图

1. Introduction

   • Local vs. international charities
   • Prioritizing local organizations

2. Local Charities

   • Direct impact on daily lives
   • Example: community-based charity for stray cats
   • Positive changes observed in the community

3. International Charities

   • Broader issues (e.g., poverty, conservation)
   • Long-term efforts and incremental change
   • Challenges in personal involvement and witnessing results

Title: 9 关键词