TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Do you agree that excessive consumption--buying more than we truly need--has become a serious problem?

1. Sub Scores

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0 Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2. Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 25

3. Task completeness

The essay addresses the task requirements well, providing a clear viewpoint on excessive consumption and its impact on the environment. However, there is room for improvement in terms of elaborating on specific examples and providing more concrete evidence to support the argument. Additionally, the essay could benefit from refining language use and grammar.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Provide more specific examples to support your argument.

• Improve grammar and vocabulary usage.

Examples:

1. Instead of just mentioning that overconsumption leads to heavy air pollution, provide data or statistics that show the increase in pollution levels due to excessive consumption.

2. When discussing the impact of ordinary people's overconsumption, provide examples of how their actions contribute to environmental issues, such as excessive waste production or depletion of natural resources.

4. Essay structure and organization

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, it could benefit from better organization within paragraphs and clearer transitions between ideas.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Organize each paragraph around a single main point with supporting details.

• Use clear transitions between ideas and paragraphs.

Examples:

1. In the paragraph discussing ordinary people's overconsumption, start by introducing the main point (e.g., "Ordinary people's overconsumption also significantly contributes to environmental issues.") Then provide supporting details (e.g., "For instance, excessive use of electronic devices leads to increased electronic waste.")

2. Use transitional phrases like "Furthermore," "In addition," or "On the contrary" to connect ideas within paragraphs or between paragraphs more effectively.

5. Grammar

Well, whether buying more than we truly need renders severe problems or not has aroused hot debate among people. As one student sayssays,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) overconsumption might cause environmental problems. I fully advocate this argument. For example, take the car industryindustry,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) for example. According to my understanding, with the advancement of the economy in China, the average household has two or even more cars, leading to heavy air pollution. Do we really need two cars in each household? With more affordable cars available for options, heavier air pollution might be rendered because of the overconsumption of fossilized fuels, like coal and gas. I bet such an over-purchasing car issue is not only limited to China, but many developed countries are still playing a big part of roles in degrading the global air quality just because of buying more certain items than people truly need.

On the other hand, some opponents might argue that it is too exaggerated to claim that overconsumption among people could cause serious environmental problemsproblems,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) since only rich people can afford to buy more than they need. Well, partially agree with this statement. It is true that with more accumulation of wealth and fortunes, rich people might make huge contributions to the environmental issue by purchasing more than they need. However, rich people just account for only a small amount of the world's population. Compared with the overconsumption associated with ordinary people who still can afford many daily items, like cars, electronic devices, utility consumptionsconsumption(misspelling), and food, rich people’s contributions to the environmental issue might be neglected. Therefore, the student B’s opinion cannot be tannablebannable(misspelling). To sum up, purchasing items that an individual’s real needs might significantly contribute to the environmental issues, and how to StrickStruck(misspelling) the balance between environmental preservation and people’s living on this planet has become a big hit.

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

The debate surrounding excessive consumption and its potential consequences has generated diverse opinions. One student suggests that overconsumption leads to environmental problems, an argument I wholeheartedly support. For instance, consider the automobile industry. As China's economy advances, it is increasingly common for households to own two or more cars, contributing to significant air pollution. Is it truly necessary for each household to possess multiple vehicles? The growing availability of affordable cars exacerbates air pollution due to the overconsumption of fossil fuels like coal and gas. This issue extends beyond China, as many developed countries contribute to declining global air quality by purchasing more items than they genuinely require.

Conversely, some may argue that the impact of overconsumption on the environment is overstated since only wealthy individuals can afford to buy more than they need. While I partially agree with this perspective, it is important to note that affluent individuals represent a small fraction of the global population. In comparison, the overconsumption habits of ordinary people who can afford numerous everyday items such as cars, electronic devices, utilities, and food have a far greater impact on the environment. Consequently, focusing solely on the consumption habits of the wealthy does not provide a comprehensive understanding of this issue.

In conclusion, excessive consumption significantly contributes to environmental problems, and striking a balance between environmental preservation and meeting people's needs has become increasingly crucial. It is essential for society as a whole to recognize the consequences of purchasing items beyond one's genuine requirements and work towards finding sustainable solutions for our planet's future. (264 words)

Well, whether buying more than we truly need renders severe problems or not Display title: 6 Revised Essay

The debate surrounding excessive consumption and its potential consequences has aroused hot debate among people. As one generated diverse opinions (clarified the subject of the debate). One student says suggests that overconsumption might cause leads to environmental problems. problems, an argument I fully advocate this argument. wholeheartedly support. For example, take instance, consider the automobile industry (removed repetitive phrase "take the car industry for example. According to my understanding, with the advancement of the example"). As China's economy in China, the average household has advances, it is increasingly common for households to own two or even more cars, leading to heavy contributing to significant air pollution. Do we really need two cars in Is it truly necessary for each household? With more household to possess multiple vehicles? The growing availability of affordable cars available for options, heavier exacerbates air pollution might be rendered because of due to the overconsumption of fossilized fuels, fossil fuels like coal and gas. I bet such an over-purchasing car gas (rephrased for clarity). This issue is not only limited to extends beyond China, but as many developed countries are still playing a big part of roles in degrading the contribute to declining global air quality just because of buying by purchasing more certain items than people truly need. they genuinely require (rephrased for better flow).

On the other hand, Conversely, some opponents might may argue that it the impact of overconsumption on the environment is too exaggerated to claim that overconsumption among people could cause serious environmental problems overstated since only rich people wealthy individuals can afford to buy more than they need. Well, While I partially agree with this statement. It perspective (rephrased for clarity), it is true important to note that with more accumulation of wealth and fortunes, rich people might make huge contributions to the environmental issue by purchasing more than they need. However, rich people just account for only affluent individuals represent a small amount of the world's fraction of the global population. Compared with In comparison, the overconsumption associated with habits of ordinary people who still can afford many daily items, like numerous everyday items such as cars, electronic devices, utility consumptions, and food, rich people’s contributions to the utilities, and food have a far greater impact on the environment (rephrased for better flow). Consequently, focusing solely on the consumption habits of the wealthy does not provide a comprehensive understanding of this issue (clarified argument).

In conclusion, excessive consumption significantly contributes to environmental issue might be neglected. Therefore, the student B’s opinion cannot be tannable. ¶ To sum up, purchasing items that an individual’s real needs might significantly contribute to the environmental issues, and how to Strick the problems, and striking a balance between environmental preservation and people’s living on this planet meeting people's needs has become a big hit.increasingly crucial (rephrased for clarity). It is essential for society as a whole to recognize the consequences of purchasing items beyond one's genuine requirements and work towards finding sustainable solutions for our planet's future (rephrased for better flow).

8 Mind Map

1. Introduction

   • Debate on excessive consumption
   • Environmental consequences

2. Overconsumption and environmental problems

   • Automobile industry example
   • Air pollution from fossil fuels

3. Counterargument: wealthy individuals' impact

   • Small fraction of global population

4. Overconsumption habits of ordinary people

   • Everyday items (cars, electronics, utilities, food)
   • Greater environmental impact

5. Importance of a comprehensive understanding

6. Conclusion

   • Balance between preservation and needs
   • Recognizing consequences and finding sustainable solutions

9 Key Words

contribute	  |/kənˈtrɪbjuːt/		| verb		| help to cause or bring about; play a part in				| contribute 			| Developed countries contribute to declining global air quality. |

| preservation | /ˌprɛzərˈveɪʃən/ | noun | the action of preserving something, especially the environment | preservation | Striking a balance between environmental preservation and meeting people's needs is crucial. | | consequence | /ˈkɒnsɪkwəns/ | noun | a result or effect of an action or condition; outcome | consequence | Society must recognize the consequences of purchasing items beyond one's genuine requirements. | | sustainable |/səˈsteɪnəb(ə)l/ | adjective | able to be maintained at a certain rate or level; conserving an ecological balance by avoiding depletion of natural resources | sustainable |introduction Sustainable solutions are needed for our planet's future. genuine |/ˈdʒɛnjʊɪn/ | adjective | truly what something is said to be; authentic | genuine |introduction It is essential to consider one's genuine requirements before making purchases. |

6 Revised Essay

The debate surrounding excessive consumption and its potential consequences has generated diverse opinions. One student suggests that overconsumption leads to environmental problems, an argument I wholeheartedly support. For instance, consider the automobile industry. As China's economy advances, it is increasingly common for households to own two or more cars, contributing to significant air pollution. Is it truly necessary for each household to possess multiple vehicles? The growing availability of affordable cars exacerbates air pollution due to the overconsumption of fossil fuels like coal and gas. This issue extends beyond China, as many developed countries contribute to declining global air quality by purchasing more items than they genuinely require.

Conversely, some may argue that the impact of overconsumption on the environment is overstated since only wealthy individuals can afford to buy more than they need. While I partially agree with this perspective, it is important to note that affluent individuals represent a small fraction of the global population. In comparison, the overconsumption habits of ordinary people who can afford numerous everyday items such as cars, electronic devices, utilities, and food have a far greater impact on the environment. Consequently, focusing solely on the consumption habits of the wealthy does not provide a comprehensive understanding of this issue.

In conclusion, excessive consumption significantly contributes to environmental problems, and striking a balance between environmental preservation and meeting people's needs has become increasingly crucial. It is essential for society as a whole to recognize the consequences of purchasing items beyond one's genuine requirements and work towards finding sustainable solutions for our planet's future.