TOEFL Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Your professor is teaching a class on education. Write a post responding to the professor's question. In your response you should: • express and support your opinion • make a contribution to the discussion An effective response will contain at least 100 words.

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2. 预估分数

24. 3 任务完成度

这篇文章基本上完成了任务要求，表达了对于是否允许学生在课堂上使用智能手机的观点，并且提供了一些支持观点的例子。但是，文章在语言使用和语法方面还有一些不足之处，建议学生在练习写作时注意避免出现拼写错误、单复数不一致等问题。此外，文章中的例子可以更具体一些，以便更好地支持观点。

改进示例1： 原文：The smartphone can be the most attractive thing for them to play than use it as a study tool. 修改后：Smartphones can be more tempting for young students to play with rather than using them as study tools.

改进示例2： 原文：As a result, it is all because of the use of ipad that disturb him from doing homework. 修改后：As a result, it is the use of the iPad that distracts him from completing his homework efficiently.

4. 文章结构与组织

这篇文章的结构和组织基本合理，包括了引言、正文和结论。然而，在段落划分和过渡方面还有待加强。建议学生在写作时注意使用恰当的过渡词和短语，使文章更加连贯。同时，可以在正文部分增加一些对比论述，以使观点更加鲜明。

改进示例1： 在正文第一段末尾添加过渡句：On the other hand, there are also some potential benefits of using smartphones in class.

改进示例2： 在正文中增加对比论述：While smartphones can be a distraction for younger students, they can also serve as a valuable educational tool for older students who have better self-control and are able to use them responsibly for research and learning purposes.

5. 语法批改

Recently, the topic of whether the smartphones should be permitted in school classrooms has generated much discussion.

In my opinion, I believe that smartphone is a distraction especially for young students at 8-12 who have little strict on their self- controlself-control(Hyphenated words: self- control).

The smartphone can be the most attractive thing for them to play than use it as a study tool. Students at that age have bad self-control.

For instance, my cousin John is a 10-year-old student who studies in the primary school. Recently, he got the science homework about the types of butterflies, so he needs to use ipadiPad(misspelling) to find some information about it. Once he got the ipadiPad(misspelling), he would finish the homework very late at nightnight,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) which had a bad impact on his sleep. As a result, it is all because of the use of ipadiPad(misspelling) that disturb him from doing homework.

Thurs, I disagree with Omar’s point of view. If students are allowed to have smartphones in class, their study efficiency will be low.

In conclusion, I agree with the statement that students should not have the permission to use smartphones in class.

Title: 6 文章修订

The debate surrounding the use of smartphones in school classrooms has garnered significant attention in recent years. In my opinion, smartphones can be particularly distracting for younger students aged 8-12, who often struggle with self-control.

Smartphones may prove more enticing as a source of entertainment rather than as an educational tool for these students. At this age, they tend to have difficulty managing their impulses. For example, my cousin John, a 10-year-old primary school student, needed to use an iPad to research butterfly species for his science homework. However, once he had access to the device, he ended up completing his assignment late at night, negatively affecting his sleep. This demonstrates how the use of such devices can hinder rather than help academic progress.

Consequently, I disagree with Omar's perspective that allowing smartphones in class would promote independent research and enhance learning experiences. The potential distractions outweigh any potential benefits in this context.

Instead of relying on smartphones during class time, educators should encourage students to develop their research skills through other means. This could include providing access to computers or tablets within a supervised environment or promoting the use of library resources.

By limiting smartphone usage within the classroom and promoting alternative methods for independent research and learning, we can help students maintain focus on their studies and foster a more conducive learning environment.

Ultimately, I concur with the notion that permitting smartphone usage in classrooms would be detrimental to students' academic performance and overall learning experience. (251 words)

Recently, the topic of whether the The debate surrounding the use of smartphones should be permitted in school classrooms has generated much discussion. ¶ garnered significant attention (changed for a more natural tone) in recent years. In my opinion, I believe that smartphone is a distraction especially for young students at 8-12 who have little strict on their self- control. ¶ The smartphone smartphones can be the most attractive thing for them to play particularly distracting (revised for clarity) for younger students aged 8-12, who often struggle with self-control.

Smartphones may prove more enticing as a source of entertainment rather than use it as a study tool. Students at that age an educational tool (rephrased for clarity) for these students. At this age, they tend to have bad self-control. ¶ difficulty managing their impulses (revised to sound more natural). For instance, example, my cousin John is John, a 10-year-old student who studies in the primary school. Recently, school student, needed to use an iPad to research butterfly species for his science homework. However, once he got the science homework about the types of butterflies, so had access to the device, he needs to use ipad to find some information about it. Once he got the ipad, he would finish the homework very ended up completing his assignment late at night which had a bad impact on (changed for a smoother flow), negatively affecting his sleep. As a result, it is all because of This demonstrates how the use of ipad that disturb him from doing homework. ¶ Thurs, such devices can hinder rather than help academic progress (rephrased for clarity).

Consequently, I disagree with Omar’s point of view. If Omar's perspective that allowing smartphones in class would promote independent research and enhance learning experiences (added context). The potential distractions outweigh any potential benefits in this context.

Instead of relying on smartphones during class time, educators should encourage students are allowed to have smartphones in class, to develop their study efficiency will research skills through other means (rephrased for clarity). This could include providing access to computers or tablets within a supervised environment or promoting the use of library resources.

By limiting smartphone usage within the classroom and promoting alternative methods for independent research and learning (revised for coherence), we can help students maintain focus on their studies and foster a more conducive learning environment.

Ultimately, I concur with the notion that permitting smartphone usage in classrooms would be low. ¶ In conclusion, I agree with the statement that students should not have the permission to use smartphones in class.detrimental to students' academic performance and overall learning experience (rephrased for a more natural tone).

8 思维导图

- Smartphone Usage in Classrooms
    - Distractions for younger students (8-12 years old)
        - Struggle with self-control
        - Entertaining rather than educational
    - Example: Cousin John and the iPad
        - Difficulty managing impulses
        - Hindered academic progress
    - Disagree with Omar's perspective
        - Independent research and enhanced learning experiences not guaranteed
        - Potential distractions outweigh benefits
    - Alternative methods for research and learning
        - Supervised computer or tablet access
        - Promoting library resources usage
    - Limiting smartphone usage in classrooms
        - Maintain focus on studies
        - Foster a conducive learning environment 
    - Conclusion: Detrimental to academic performance and overall learning experience 

9 关键词