TOEFL TPO -1 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: What scientific discovery or technological invention from the last two hundred years—other than computers and cell phones—would you choose as being important? Why?

1. Sub Scores

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.0 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.5 Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 25

3. Task completeness

The essay does a good job of addressing the task by choosing an important invention from the last two hundred years and explaining its significance. However, there is room for improvement in elaborating on the viewpoint and providing more specific examples or details to support the chosen invention's importance.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Provide more concrete examples of how electrical payment systems have improved people's lives or changed industries.

• Explain how electrical payment systems have evolved over time, highlighting key milestones in their development.

Example 1: Instead of just mentioning that electrical payments facilitate online financial tradings, you could provide specific examples of how these payment systems have revolutionized e-commerce, making it easier for small businesses to sell products globally.

Example 2: You could discuss how the introduction of secure encryption methods has played a crucial role in building trust among users, leading to widespread adoption of electrical payment systems.

4. Essay structure and organization

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, there is room for improvement in organizing ideas more logically within paragraphs and using transitions between ideas.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Use topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to clearly state the main point.

• Improve transitions between ideas by using appropriate linking words or phrases.

Example 1: In your introduction, you could add a sentence like "This essay will discuss how electrical payment systems have revolutionized international trade and financial transactions." This would provide a clearer roadmap for your reader.

Example 2: Instead of starting your second point with "What's more," you could use a transition like "Furthermore" or "In addition" to create a smoother connection between your ideas about international trade and financial transactions.

5. Grammar

While developments in space satellite and health nutrition have a significant role in today’s society, I personally think the electrical payment like apple payApple Pay(Apple product names) or bitcoin is one of the most beneficial invention out of the last two centuries. First off, the electrical payment accelerateaccelerates(punctuation + singular noun + plural verb) the flow of international trades among countries. Even under the pandemic outbreak, the world is still tightly connected by the online transactions. So, those novel means of payments isare(Detects potentially wrong usage of "is") monumental for the relation between countries and the economy development throughout the world. What’s more, the electrical payment facilitates the online financial tradings for products like stocks, bonds and derivatives. Online brokerage firms primarily benefit from those kinds of payments, which establish a confident platform for the whole economy participants. That is, companies and individual investors can now easily manipulate their investment at any time, at any location, with just a smartphone.

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

In the realm of impactful scientific discoveries and technological inventions from the past two hundred years, aside from computers and cell phones, I believe that electronic payment methods, such as Apple Pay and Bitcoin, have had a substantial influence on modern society. Firstly, electronic payments have expedited international trade among nations. Despite challenges like the pandemic outbreak, global connections remain strong due to online transactions. As a result, these innovative payment methods have played a crucial role in fostering relationships between countries and promoting economic development worldwide. Furthermore, electronic payments have streamlined online financial trading for products such as stocks, bonds, and derivatives. Online brokerage firms primarily benefit from these types of payments by establishing a reliable platform for all economic participants. Consequently, companies and individual investors can now effortlessly manage their investments anytime and anywhere with just a smartphone. (145 words)

While developments in space satellite In the realm of impactful scientific discoveries and health nutrition technological inventions from the past two hundred years (revised for clarity and emphasis), aside from computers and cell phones, I believe that electronic payment methods (corrected "electrical payment" to "electronic payment methods" for accuracy), such as Apple Pay and Bitcoin, have had a significant role in today’s society, I personally think the electrical payment substantial influence on modern society. Firstly, electronic payments have expedited international trade among nations (rephrased for clarity). Despite challenges like apple pay or bitcoin is one of the most beneficial invention out of the last two centuries. First off, the electrical payment accelerate the flow of international trades among countries. Even under the pandemic outbreak, the world is still tightly connected by the global connections remain strong due to online transactions. So, those novel means of payments is monumental transactions (revised for the relation better flow). As a result, these innovative payment methods have played a crucial role in fostering relationships between countries and the economy promoting economic development throughout the world. What’s more, the electrical payment facilitates the worldwide (rephrased for clarity). Furthermore, electronic payments have streamlined online financial tradings trading for products like such as stocks, bonds bonds, and derivatives. derivatives (rephrased for better flow). Online brokerage firms primarily benefit from those kinds these types of payments, which establish payments by establishing a confident reliable platform for the whole economy participants. That is, all economic participants (revised for clarity). Consequently, companies and individual investors can now easily manipulate effortlessly manage their investment at any time, at any location, investments anytime and anywhere with just a smartphone.smartphone (rephrased for better flow).

8 Mind Map

1. Impactful scientific discoveries and technological inventions

   • Computers
   • Cell phones
   • Electronic payment methods

2. Electronic payment methods

   • Apple Pay
   • Bitcoin

3. Expedited international trade

   • Global connections during pandemic outbreak

4. Fostering relationships between countries

   • Promoting economic development worldwide

5. Streamlined online financial trading

   • Stocks, bonds, and derivatives

6. Online brokerage firms benefiting from electronic payments

7. Reliable platform for economic participants

8. Effortless investment management with smartphones

9 Key Words