TOEFL TPO -1 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: To begin our discussion, I'd like you to think ofone global environmental problem-for example,it could be related to water, air, land, climate,biodiversity, energy, or something similar. Thenexplain what you think would be an effectivesolution to this problem.

1. Sub Scores

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.0 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.5 Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2. Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 22

3. Task completeness

The essay addresses the task by discussing two different environmental problems and their respective solutions. However, there is some confusion in the introduction where the writer seems to mix up Paul's and Kelly's viewpoints. To improve the essay, it would be beneficial to clarify each viewpoint and focus on one specific problem and solution, as per the task instructions.

Example 1: "In discussing global environmental problems, I agree with Kelly's suggestion that air pollution caused by motorized vehicles is a significant issue. To address this problem, local governments should promote alternative transportation methods such as bike lanes and electric buses."

Example 2: "Paul presents a compelling argument regarding the limited freshwater supply in many areas of the world. One effective solution would be to invest in technology for removing salt from seawater, which could help replenish dwindling freshwater supplies."

4. Essay structure and organization

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, there is room for improvement in terms of organization and transitions between ideas. The introduction could be clearer by accurately presenting each speaker's viewpoint before stating which one the writer agrees with.

Additionally, each paragraph should focus on a specific point related to the chosen environmental problem or solution rather than mixing different ideas together.

Example 1: "Introduction: In discussing global environmental problems presented by Kelly and Paul, I find myself agreeing with Kelly's idea that air pollution caused by motorized vehicles is a significant issue that needs to be addressed."

Example 2: "Body Paragraph: One of the main reasons why air pollution is such a pressing issue is due to its negative impact on human health. Studies have shown that exposure to polluted air can lead to respiratory problems, heart disease, and even premature death. By promoting alternative transportation methods, local governments can help reduce the number of vehicles on the road and subsequently decrease air pollution levels."

5. Grammar

In discussing the solution to globleglobe(misspelling) environmental problems, Paul presents a compelling suggestion that government should promote alternatives to solve air polutionsolution(misspelling), the biggest environmental problems. While this approach has its merits, I find myself agreeing with Kelly’s idea that we should prioritize the technology providing people with enough water, such as removing salt from seawater, as a more effective means. In my view, this approach not only helps to protect water resoursesresources(misspelling) and address sevralseveral(misspelling) environmental issues, but also allows vegetation and animals growto grow(This rule identifies whether the preposition 'to' is missing in a sentence.) steadlysteadily(misspelling) in the earth. Specifically, these factors contribute to the long-term improvement of environment and serve as powerful incentiesincentives(misspelling) for individuals to strenthenstrengthen(misspelling) the awarnessawareness(misspelling) of protecting environment and water resources.

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

In addressing global environmental problems, Kelly proposes a viable solution that involves local governments promoting alternative methods to combat air pollution, such as implementing bike lanes and electric buses. While this approach has its merits, I find myself aligning with Paul's perspective that prioritizing advancements in water supply technology, such as desalination of seawater, is a more effective strategy. In my view, this approach not only helps preserve water resources and tackle various environmental issues but also fosters the sustainable growth of flora and fauna on our planet. Ultimately, these factors contribute to long-term environmental improvements and serve as potent catalysts for individuals to heighten their awareness of protecting both the environment and water resources. (120 words)

In discussing the addressing(global environmental problems, Kelly proposes a viable solution to globle environmental problems, Paul presents a compelling suggestion that government should promote alternatives to solve that involves local governments promoting alternative methods to combat air polution, the biggest environmental problems. pollution, such as implementing bike lanes and electric buses. While this approach has its merits, I find myself agreeing aligning with Kelly’s idea that we should prioritize the technology providing people with enough water, Paul's perspective that prioritizing advancements in water supply technology, such as removing salt from desalination of seawater, as is a more effective means. strategy. In my view, this approach not only helps to protect water resourses and address sevral environmental issues, preserve water resources and tackle various environmental issues but also allows vegetation and animals grow steadly in the earth. Specifically, fosters the sustainable growth of flora and fauna on our planet. Ultimately, these factors contribute to the long-term improvement of environment environmental improvements and serve as powerful incenties potent catalysts for individuals to strenthen the awarness heighten their awareness of protecting both the environment and water resources.resources.

Revised inline explanations:

- "addressing" (revised from "discussing the solution to"): This change clarifies that the focus is on addressing global environmental problems rather than just discussing solutions.

- "Kelly proposes" (revised from "Paul presents"): This change corrects an inconsistency in the original essay where it was mentioned that Paul presents a suggestion but later agrees with Kelly's idea.

- "viable solution" (revised from "compelling suggestion"): This change emphasizes that Kelly's proposal is practical and achievable.

- "local governments promoting alternative methods" (revised from "government should promote alternatives"): This change specifies who should be responsible for promoting alternatives and makes it clear that multiple methods are being suggested.

- "aligning with Paul's perspective" (revised from "agreeing with Kelly’s idea"): This change corrects the inconsistency mentioned earlier and shows agreement with Paul's viewpoint instead of Kelly's.

- "advancements in water supply technology" (revised from "technology providing people with enough water"): This change clarifies the focus on improving water supply technology rather than just providing enough water.

- "desalination of seawater" (revised from "removing salt from seawater"): This change uses the technical term for the process of removing salt from seawater, making the sentence more concise and precise.

- "preserve water resources" (revised from "protect water resourses"): This change corrects a spelling error and uses a more appropriate verb to describe the action of conserving water resources.

- "tackle various environmental issues" (revised from "address sevral environmental issues"): This change corrects a spelling error and uses a stronger verb to emphasize the effectiveness of the approach.

- "sustainable growth of flora and fauna" (revised from "vegetation and animals grow steadly"): This change corrects spelling errors and uses more specific terms to describe plants and animals growing in a sustainable manner.

- "long-term environmental improvements" (revised from "long-term improvement of environment"): This change makes the phrase more concise and emphasizes that multiple improvements are being made to the environment.

- "potent catalysts" (revised from "powerful incenties"): This change corrects a spelling error and uses a more appropriate term to describe something that stimulates action or change.

- "heighten their awareness" (revised from "strenthen the awarness"): This change corrects spelling errors and uses a more appropriate verb to describe increasing awareness.

8 Mind Map

1. Introduction
   - Global environmental problems
   - Kelly's proposal: local governments combat air pollution
   - Paul's perspective: prioritize water supply technology

2. Advantages of Kelly's proposal
   - Bike lanes and electric buses
   - Reducing air pollution

3. Advantages of Paul's perspective
   - Desalination of seawater
   - Preserving water resources

4. Benefits of focusing on water supply technology
   - Environmental improvements
   - Sustainable growth of flora and fauna

5. Long-term effects
   - Heightened awareness of environmental protection
   - Preservation of water resources

6. Conclusion
   - Aligning with Paul's perspective for more effective strategy 

9 Key Words

6 Revised Essay

In addressing global environmental problems, Kelly proposes a viable solution that involves local governments promoting alternative methods to combat air pollution, such as implementing bike lanes and electric buses. While this approach has its merits, I find myself aligning with Paul's perspective that prioritizing advancements in water supply technology, such as desalination of seawater, is a more effective strategy. In my view, this approach not only helps preserve water resources and tackle various environmental issues but also fosters the sustainable growth of flora and fauna on our planet. Ultimately, these factors contribute to long-term environmental improvements and serve as potent catalysts for individuals to heighten their awareness of protecting both the environment and water resources.