TOEFL TPO -1 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: In your opinion, which is the better use for available urban space? Why?

1. Sub Scores

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 3.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.0 Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2. Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 22

3. Task completeness

The essay addresses the topic of using available urban space, but it does not fully engage with the viewpoints presented by Kelly and Claire. The essay focuses on building a shopping mall as an alternative solution, which is not directly related to the original discussion about green spaces versus other essential facilities. To improve the task fulfillment, the writer should focus on discussing the pros and cons of both viewpoints presented in the reading, while also providing their own opinion.

Example 1: Instead of focusing on shopping malls, discuss how using available land for essential facilities like hospitals can be more beneficial for city residents than creating green spaces.

Example 2: Explore Claire's idea of creating green spaces on rooftops or within new buildings, explaining how this approach can balance the need for urban development with environmental concerns.

4. Essay structure and organization

The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, it lacks clear transitions between ideas and paragraphs. Additionally, each paragraph should focus on a specific point related to the discussion topic rather than introducing unrelated ideas like shopping malls or entertainment facilities.

To improve organization:

Example 1: In the introduction, briefly mention both Kelly's and Claire's viewpoints before stating your own opinion on which is better for available urban space.

Example 2: Create separate paragraphs discussing each viewpoint (Kelly's emphasis on essential facilities like hospitals and Claire's suggestion of incorporating green spaces into existing structures), providing supporting details for each argument before concluding with your own opinion on which approach is more beneficial for city residents.

5. Grammar

In my opinion, Both Kelly and Claire present a great idea about using urban space for a specific purpose, and I would add that the city government should turn the available land into a big shopping mall because it can improve the living quality of citizens. Take HsinchuSince(misspelling) City for example, when the big shopping mall, Mega City, is built, it attracts 90 percent of local people go there. They have a lot of choices when they want to have dinner, it provides convenience for the Family when they do not want to cook at home. Moreover, they can bring the kid to some entertainment facility to play with them, which can build up a good relationship with the Child. Also, people can watch the latest movie when they want to relax. Overall, building a big shopping mall in an urban space can give people a better living quality.

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

In my opinion, both Kelly and Claire offer compelling ideas for utilizing urban space effectively. However, I propose that city governments should consider allocating available land for the development of a large shopping mall, as it can significantly enhance the quality of life for urban residents. For instance, when Mega City was constructed in Hsinchu City, it attracted 90 percent of the local population. This shopping mall provides a wide range of dining options, offering convenience to families who prefer not to cook at home. Additionally, it features various entertainment facilities where parents can engage with their children and strengthen their bonds. Furthermore, people can enjoy the latest movies in the mall's cinema for relaxation purposes. Ultimately, developing a large shopping mall within an urban space can greatly contribute to improving residents' overall living experience. (140 words)

In my opinion, Both both Kelly and Claire present a great idea about using offer compelling ideas (revised for clarity and natural tone) for utilizing urban space effectively. However, I propose that city governments should consider allocating (revised for a specific purpose, and I would add that the city government should turn the clarity) available land into for the development of a big large shopping mall because mall, as it can improve significantly enhance the living quality of citizens. Take life for urban residents. For instance, when Mega City was constructed in Hsinchu City for example, when the big shopping mall, Mega City, is built, it attracts attracted 90 percent of the local people go there. They have population. This shopping mall provides a lot wide range of choices when they want dining options (revised for clarity), offering convenience to have dinner, it provides convenience for the Family when they do families who prefer not want to cook at home. Moreover, they Additionally, it features various entertainment facilities where parents can bring the kid to some entertainment facility to play engage with them, which can build up a good relationship with the Child. Also, their children and strengthen their bonds (revised for natural tone). Furthermore, people can watch enjoy the latest movie when they want to relax. Overall, building movies in the mall's cinema for relaxation purposes (revised for clarity). Ultimately, developing a big large shopping mall in within an urban space can give people a better greatly contribute to improving residents' overall living quality.experience (revised for natural tone).

Display title: 8 Mind Map

- Utilizing urban space effectively
    - Kelly's ideas
    - Claire's ideas
    - City governments' role
        - Allocating land for development
            - Large shopping mall
                - Enhance quality of life for urban residents
                    - Example: Mega City in Hsinchu City
                        - Attracted 90% of local population
                        - Wide range of dining options
                            - Convenience for families
                        - Entertainment facilities
                            - Parent-child bonding opportunities
                        - Cinema for relaxation purposes
                - Conclusion: Improve overall living experience in urban areas

Display title: 9 Key Words