TOEFL TPO -1 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: what is the best strategy to attract more people living in villege ?

1. Sub Scores:

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0 Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. Estimated Scores:

Estimated Score: 26

3. Task completeness:

The essay does a good job of addressing the task requirements, as it clearly states which strategy is the best for attracting more people to live in villages. However, there could be more elaboration on why financial support for farmers is not as effective as ushering businesses focused on entertainment and culture. Additionally, the essay could benefit from incorporating more specific examples or evidence to support the arguments.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Provide more detailed explanations of why financial support for farmers is not a sustainable solution.

• Include specific examples or evidence to strengthen your arguments.

Example 1: Instead of simply stating that financial support for farmers is not sustainable, explain how it might lead to dependency on government subsidies and discourage innovation in agricultural practices.

Example 2: Provide an example of a village that successfully attracted more residents by focusing on entertainment and cultural businesses, demonstrating the effectiveness of this strategy.

4. Essay structure and organization:

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, there could be improvements in the organization of ideas within paragraphs and clearer transitions between them.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Organize each paragraph around one main idea with supporting details.

• Use clear transitions between ideas and paragraphs to guide the reader through your argument.

Example 1: In the first body paragraph, start by discussing how introducing businesses can create job opportunities in villages. Then, provide supporting details such as types of industries that can be established in rural areas and their potential impact on employment rates.

Example 2: Use transitional phrases like "On the other hand" or "In contrast" when comparing different strategies (financial support vs. business development) to make your argument more coherent and easy to follow.

5. 语法批改

Student B’s assertion proves to be the best solution for attracting more people living in villages. Firstly, ushering businesses concentrating on entertainment, industry, and culture might promote sustainable economic development in rural areas, increasing more job opportunities and attracting more people living in villages. The obvious reason for numerous people migrating to cities is that they can easily find a job and earn large amounts of money to support themselves and their family members, compared to the limited job opportunities provided by rural areas. Therefore, ushering in business development, like factories, entertainment industries, and cultural-related sectors will coin plenty of jobs available for people to choose and, and(comma between independent clauses) many rural migrant workers might flash back to their village homes. Secondly, someone might argue that providing financial support to famersfarmers(misspelling) might be a plausible and appealing approach to attract more people to live in rural areas. There are some validitiesvalidates(misspelling) in this argument. However, this is not a sustainable and long-term solution because if people run out of their subsidies provided by the government, they might still need findto find(This rule identifies whether the preposition 'to' is missing in a sentence.) jobs to sustain themselves, leading to migrate back to cities. howeverHowever(Checks that a sentence starts with an uppercase letter), introducing businesses to the countryside might prove to be mostthe most(missing article before 'BE + MOST + ADJECTIVE + NOUN') efficient way to prevent people from migrating to cities because they can find jobs in villages, earn their living, and stay with their family members. In light of the points I just mentioned, ushering business opportunities might be justifiable.

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

The most effective strategy for attracting more people to live in villages, as suggested by Student B, is to introduce businesses focused on entertainment, industry, and culture. This approach has the potential to promote sustainable economic development in rural areas, leading to increased job opportunities and a more appealing lifestyle for villagers.

Firstly, fostering business development in areas such as entertainment, industry, and culture can contribute to sustainable economic growth in rural regions. The primary reason many individuals migrate to cities is the availability of diverse job opportunities and higher income potential. By introducing businesses like factories, entertainment venues, and cultural institutions in villages, a wide range of employment options would become available for residents. This could encourage rural migrant workers to return to their village homes and dissuade others from leaving in the first place.

Secondly, while providing financial support to farmers may seem like an attractive solution for encouraging people to live in rural areas, it is not a sustainable long-term strategy. Government subsidies can only go so far; once they are exhausted, individuals may still need to find jobs elsewhere to support themselves and their families. This could lead them back to urban centers in search of employment.

On the other hand, establishing businesses within villages offers a more enduring solution by creating local job opportunities that allow residents to earn a living without needing government assistance or relocating. Moreover, this approach enables villagers to stay close to their families and maintain strong community ties.

Taking these factors into consideration, it becomes evident that introducing business opportunities focused on entertainment, industry, and culture is the most viable strategy for attracting more people to live in villages. (284 words)

Display title: 7 Essay Grading

Student B’s B's assertion proves to be the best solution most effective strategy (revised for clarity) for attracting more people living in villages.

Firstly, ushering in businesses concentrating on entertainment, industry, and culture might promote sustainable economic development in rural areas, increasing more job opportunities and attracting more people living in villages. The obvious reason for numerous people migrating to cities is that they can easily find a job and earn large amounts of money to support themselves and their family members, compared to the limited job opportunities provided by rural areas. Therefore, ushering in fostering business development, development (revised for consistency), like factories, entertainment industries, and cultural-related sectors will coin create plenty of jobs (revised for clarity) available for people to choose from and many rural migrant workers might flash back return to their village homes. homes (revised for clarity).

Secondly, someone might argue that providing financial support to famers farmers might be a plausible and appealing approach to attract more people to live in rural areas. There are some validities in this argument. However, this is not a sustainable and long-term solution because if people run out of their subsidies provided by the government, they might still need find jobs to sustain themselves, leading them to migrate back to cities. however, cities (revised for clarity). On the other hand, introducing businesses to the countryside might prove to be the most efficient way (revised for clarity) to prevent people from migrating to cities because they can find jobs in villages, earn their living, and stay with their family members.

In light of the points I just mentioned, ushering introducing business opportunities might be justifiable.focused on entertainment, industry, and culture is justifiable (revised for consistency).

8 Mind Map

1. Introduction

   • Attracting people to villages
   • Entertainment, industry, and culture businesses
   • Sustainable economic development

2. Economic Growth

   • Diverse job opportunities
   • Higher income potential
   • Factories, entertainment venues, cultural institutions

3. Rural Migration

   • Return of migrant workers
   • Preventing rural exodus

4. Financial Support Limitations

   • Unsustainable government subsidies
   • Dependence on external jobs

5. Enduring Solution

   • Local job creation
   • Self-sufficiency

6. Community Ties

   • Staying close to family
   • Strong community bonds

7. Conclusion

   • Viability of business opportunities in villages

9 Key Words