TOEFL TPO -1 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Would you choose to study full-time for an advanced degree and then focus on your career later, or pursue a full-time job while still studying to get an advanced degree at the same time? Why?

1. Sub Scores

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.0 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.5 Language Use and Grammar: 3.0

2. Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 22

3. Task completeness

The essay addresses the specific requirements of the task by discussing the writer's preference for pursuing a full-time job while studying for an advanced degree. However, the essay could benefit from more elaboration on the reasons behind this choice and providing more specific examples or evidence to support the argument. Additionally, it would be helpful to address potential counterarguments or challenges related to this choice.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Provide more specific examples or evidence to support your viewpoint.

• Address potential counterarguments or challenges related to your choice.

Example 1: Instead of simply stating that having a full-time job can solve financial problems, you could provide statistics on student loan debt and how working while studying can help alleviate this burden.

Example 2: You could discuss potential challenges of working while studying, such as time management or stress, and provide strategies for overcoming these challenges.

4. Essay structure and organization

The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, it lacks clear transitions between ideas and paragraphs, making it difficult for readers to follow the flow of the argument. The body paragraph could also be divided into smaller paragraphs focusing on specific points.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Use clear transitions between ideas and paragraphs.

• Divide the body paragraph into smaller paragraphs focusing on specific points.

Example 1: In your introduction, you could add a sentence like "In this essay, I will discuss the financial benefits of working while studying as well as how it can lead to practical application of knowledge."

Example 2: Instead of having one long body paragraph, you could divide it into two smaller paragraphs with topic sentences such as "One major advantage of working while studying is the financial stability it provides" and "Another benefit of working while pursuing an advanced degree is the opportunity to apply theoretical knowledge in a practical setting."

5. Grammar

Personally, I think have a full-time job is a better idea. The main reason is that the financial problem can be solved. Recently, the cost of education is really expensive. A large amount of students needneeds(a fleet of ships are (is)) to owe a lot of money to get enough tuition fee. However, have a full-time job can definitely avoid this problem since they have the stable salary to support their study. Furthermore, in many cases, part-time study cost less. For that reason, the tuition fees are never a problem. Take my brother as an example. He found a job after he finished his undergraduate studies. When he chose to study at the same time, he could handle the tuition fee while get the same degree in study.

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

In my opinion, pursuing a full-time job while simultaneously working towards an advanced degree is the more advantageous approach. The primary rationale behind this is the alleviation of financial burdens associated with higher education. In recent times, the cost of obtaining a degree has skyrocketed, forcing numerous students to incur substantial debt to cover tuition fees. However, securing a full-time job provides a stable income that can support one's educational pursuits. Additionally, part-time study often incurs lower costs, further mitigating financial concerns. For instance, my brother successfully managed his tuition fees by securing employment after completing his undergraduate studies and opting for part-time enrollment in his advanced degree program. (114 words)

Personally, I think have In my opinion (revised for a more formal tone), pursuing a full-time job while simultaneously working towards an advanced degree (clarified the idea) is a better idea. the more advantageous approach (improved phrasing). The main reason primary rationale (more formal) behind this is that the alleviation of financial problem can be solved. Recently, burdens (clearer expression) associated with higher education. In recent times, the cost of education is really expensive. A large amount of obtaining a degree has skyrocketed (more descriptive), forcing numerous students need to owe a lot of money incur substantial debt to get enough cover tuition fee. fees. However, have securing a full-time job provides a stable income that can definitely avoid this problem since they have the stable salary to support their study. Furthermore, in many cases, one's educational pursuits (clearer explanation). Additionally, part-time study cost less. often incurs lower costs, further mitigating financial concerns (more concise). For that reason, the instance, my brother successfully managed his tuition fees are never a problem. Take my brother as an example. He found a job by securing employment after he finished completing his undergraduate studies. When he chose to study at the same time, he could handle the tuition fee while get the same studies and opting for part-time enrollment in his advanced degree in study.program (expanded example for clarity).

8 Mind Map

1. Pursuing full-time job and advanced degree

   • Alleviation of financial burdens
   • Stable income
   • Lower costs for part-time study

2. Skyrocketing cost of higher education

   • Substantial debt for students
   • Tuition fees as a major concern

3. Benefits of securing employment after undergraduate studies

   • Financial support for education
   • Part-time enrollment in advanced degree program

9 Key Words

6 Revised Essay

In my opinion, pursuing a full-time job while simultaneously working towards an advanced degree is the more advantageous approach. The primary rationale behind this is the alleviation of financial burdens associated with higher education. In recent times, the cost of obtaining a degree has skyrocketed, forcing numerous students to incur substantial debt to cover tuition fees. However, securing a full-time job provides a stable income that can support one's educational pursuits. Additionally, part-time study often incurs lower costs, further mitigating financial concerns. For instance, my brother successfully managed his tuition fees by securing employment after completing his undergraduate studies and opting for part-time enrollment in his advanced degree program.