TOEFL TPO -1 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: why

1. 子项得分

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0 Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2. 预估分数

25. 3 任务完成度

整体来说，这篇文章回答了题目要求的问题，并提出了一些有力的论据。然而，文章中仍有一些可以改进的地方。首先，在论述观点时，可以更具体地说明为什么保密对企业和国家安全有利。其次，语言方面需要加强，避免出现语法错误和不清晰的表达。

改进建议举例：

1. 在论述企业保密对竞争力的影响时，可以举例说明如果某项技术被泄露，可能会导致企业失去市场优势。

2. 在讨论国家安全时，可以详细解释为什么保密对于维护国家利益和公民安全至关重要。

4. 文章结构与组织

文章结构基本合理，包括引言、正文和结尾。但在组织上还有改进空间。首先，在段落划分上可以更加明确，每个段落只讨论一个主题，并提供相应的支持细节。其次，在段落之间需要加强过渡性词汇的使用，使文章更加连贯。

改进建议举例：

1. 在讨论企业保密对竞争力的影响时，可以单独成段，并在段首明确提出本段要讨论的主题。 例如：“首先，保密对于企业保持竞争力至关重要。”

2. 在不同观点之间使用过渡性词汇，使文章更加连贯。 例如：“除了凯利提到的观点外，我还认为保密对于确保国家和个人安全非常有效。”

5. 语法批改

While I can see Paul’s point that it is vital for scientists to share their discoveries since discoveries will help them to earn respect and reward from people, I agree with Kelly’s perspective that governments and scientists should keep discoveries secrets. As mentioned by Kelly, keeping discoveries enables business remainto remain(This rule identifies whether the preposition 'to' is missing in a sentence.) competitive. Not sharing discoveries, business companies could keep their techniques and technologies secrets, which could help them to continue producing profitable consistently, thus maximizing their profits; for instance, coco cola companies keep their method of making coco cola secrets, enabling them to still producing coco cola today to make profits; however, if governments do not keep discoveries secrets, it is completely unfair to business companies. Apart from what Kelly has mentioned, I add that it is well-known that keeping discoveries secrets is an efficient method to ensure nation and individuals’ safe. When keeping discoveries secrets, the authority could keep their weapon and advanced technology in private, thus making nation and citizens in safety; on the contrary, without keeping discoveries secrets, public and national safety will threaten. Therefore, keeping discoveries secrets, undoubtedly, places all individuals as beneficiaries.

Section Title: 6 Article Revision

While I understand Paul's argument that sharing discoveries is crucial for scientists to gain recognition and rewards, I concur with Kelly's view that governments and businesses should maintain the confidentiality of certain discoveries. As Kelly pointed out, preserving trade secrets allows businesses to remain competitive. By withholding proprietary techniques and technologies, companies can consistently generate profits; for example, the Coca-Cola Company has maintained its formula as a closely guarded secret, enabling it to continue producing its iconic beverage and reaping financial benefits. Requiring governments to disclose all discoveries would be unjust to these businesses.

Furthermore, I would like to emphasize that maintaining secrecy around specific discoveries is an effective means of ensuring national and individual security. By keeping advanced weapons technology and other sensitive information confidential, authorities can safeguard their nation and citizens. Conversely, disclosing all discoveries could jeopardize public safety and national security. Consequently, preserving the secrecy of certain discoveries ultimately benefits everyone involved. (160 words)

While I can see Paul’s point understand Paul's argument that it sharing discoveries is vital crucial for scientists to share their discoveries since discoveries will help them to earn respect and reward from people, gain recognition and rewards (revised for clarity and natural tone), I agree concur with Kelly’s perspective Kelly's view that governments and scientists businesses should keep discoveries secrets. maintain the confidentiality of certain discoveries (revised for clarity). As mentioned by Kelly, keeping discoveries enables business Kelly pointed out, preserving trade secrets allows businesses to remain competitive. Not sharing discoveries, business competitive (revised for natural tone). By withholding proprietary techniques and technologies, companies could keep their techniques and technologies secrets, which could help them can consistently generate profits; for example, the Coca-Cola Company has maintained its formula as a closely guarded secret (revised for clarity), enabling it to continue producing profitable consistently, thus maximizing their profits; for instance, coco cola companies keep their method of making coco cola secrets, enabling them to still producing coco cola today to make profits; however, if its iconic beverage and reaping financial benefits (revised for natural tone). Requiring governments do not keep discoveries secrets, it is completely unfair to business companies. Apart from what Kelly has mentioned, to disclose all discoveries would be unjust to these businesses (revised for clarity).

Furthermore, I add would like to emphasize that it is well-known that keeping discoveries secrets maintaining secrecy around specific discoveries is an efficient method to ensure effective means of ensuring national and individual security (revised for clarity and natural tone). By keeping advanced weapons technology and other sensitive information confidential, authorities can safeguard their nation and individuals’ safe. When keeping discoveries secrets, citizens (revised for natural tone). Conversely, disclosing all discoveries could jeopardize public safety and national security (revised for clarity). Consequently, preserving the authority could keep their weapon and advanced technology in private, thus making nation and citizens in safety; on the contrary, without keeping discoveries secrets, public and national safety will threaten. Therefore, keeping discoveries secrets, undoubtedly, places all individuals as beneficiaries.secrecy of certain discoveries ultimately benefits everyone involved (revised for natural tone).

Display title: 8 思维导图

1. Introduction
   - Sharing discoveries
   - Recognition and rewards
   - Confidentiality importance

2. Kelly's view
   - Trade secrets
   - Business competitiveness

3. Example: Coca-Cola Company
   - Secret formula
   - Financial benefits

4. Government disclosure injustice

5. National and individual security
   - Advanced weapons technology
   - Sensitive information protection

6. Risks of full disclosure 
   - Public safety 
   - National security 

7. Benefits of preserving secrecy 

8. Conclusion 

Display title: 9 关键词