TOEFL TPO -1 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: What factors do you think have contributed to the increase in life expectancy?

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 3.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 2.5

• Language Use and Grammar: 2.0

2. 预估分数

• 17

3. 任务完成度

虽然你的文章提到了收入增加对人们寿命的影响，但没有充分讨论阅读材料中提到的医学技术和政府服务的改进。为了更好地完成任务，你需要在文章中讨论这些因素，并给出具体例子来支持你的观点。此外，你的文章中存在一些语法错误和不清晰的表达，需要加以改进。

改进示例1： Instead of focusing solely on income, you could write: "Advances in medical technology, such as new treatments for chronic illnesses and breakthroughs in cancer treatment, have significantly contributed to the increase in life expectancy."

改进示例2： You could also discuss the role of government services by writing: "Improvements in government services, such as access to clean drinking water, sanitation systems, and free vaccines, have played a crucial role in increasing life expectancy."

4. 文章结构与组织

你的文章缺乏清晰的结构和组织。为了提高文章质量，请确保有明确的引言、主体和结论部分。每段应集中讨论一个特定观点，并提供支持细节。同时，需要在段落之间使用恰当的过渡词。

改进示例1： 在文章开头，你可以写一个引言，如："Life expectancy has been increasing worldwide due to various factors, including advances in medical technology, improvements in government services, and changes in lifestyle habits."

改进示例2： 在讨论不同因素时，使用过渡词来保持段落之间的连贯性。例如，在讨论医学技术后，你可以写："In addition to medical advancements, government services have also played a significant role in increasing life expectancy."

5. 语法批改

From my perspective, I think that the increasing of imcomeincome(misspelling) is the key that makes people live longer. That's because people have more money to buy medicinemedicine,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) which are very expensive but very useful. At the same time, people can buy better medical serveyserved(misspelling) when they become ill. Better medical serveyserved(misspelling) and better medicine are very important for people who are old or weak. For example, in my city, there is aan(Use of 'a' vs. 'an') illness called Flu A. Flu A is a deadly illness for the old and the children. However, there are two types of medicine which can heal them very quiccklyquickly(misspelling) and the medcinemedicine(misspelling) are very expensive. People can not afford it 10 years ago, so nearly 1 milllionmillion(misspelling) old people and childrfenchildren(misspelling) died because of this Flu A. Nevertheless, most people can afford this medcinemedicine(misspelling) not because people;speople’s(Non-standard word) income have increased for 10 times. These people live longer than before, so I think that the increasing of imcomeincome(misspelling) is the key that makes people live longer.

Section Title: 6 Article Revision

In my opinion, the primary factor contributing to increased life expectancy is the rise in income levels. Higher income enables individuals to afford costly yet effective medications and access superior healthcare services when needed. Both improved medical care and advanced pharmaceuticals are crucial for the elderly and vulnerable populations. For instance, in my city, there was a deadly illness called Flu A that disproportionately affected older adults and children. Two types of highly effective but expensive medications were available to treat this illness. A decade ago, people could not afford these treatments, resulting in nearly one million deaths due to Flu A. However, with a tenfold increase in income over the years, most individuals can now afford these medications. Consequently, people are living longer than before, which leads me to believe that increased income plays a significant role in enhancing life expectancy. (147 words)

From In my perspective, I think that opinion, the increasing of imcome primary factor contributing to increased life expectancy is the key that makes people live longer. That's because people have more money rise in income levels (revised for clarity and natural tone). Higher income enables individuals to buy medicine which afford costly yet effective medications (rephrased for better flow) and access superior healthcare services when needed. Both improved medical care and advanced pharmaceuticals are very expensive but very useful. At crucial for the same time, people can buy better medical servey when they become ill. Better medical servey elderly and better medicine are very important vulnerable populations (revised for people who are old or weak. clarity). For example, instance, in my city, there is was a deadly illness called Flu A. A that disproportionately affected older adults and children (corrected grammar). Two types of highly effective but expensive medications were available to treat this illness (rephrased for better flow). A decade ago, people could not afford these treatments, resulting in nearly one million deaths due to Flu A is (corrected grammar). However, with a deadly illness for tenfold increase in income over the old years, most individuals can now afford these medications (corrected grammar and the children. However, there punctuation). Consequently, people are two types of medicine which can heal them very quicckly and the medcine are very expensive. People can not afford it 10 years ago, so nearly 1 milllion old people and childrfen died because of this Flu A. Nevertheless, most people can afford this medcine not because people;s income have increased for 10 times. These people live living longer than before, so I think which leads me to believe that the increasing of imcome is the key that makes people live longer.increased income plays a significant role in enhancing life expectancy (revised for clarity and natural tone).

8 思维导图

- 主题：提高寿命的主要因素
  - 收入水平上升
    - 负担得起昂贵的药物和医疗服务
      - 对老年人和弱势群体至关重要
  - 医疗保健改善
    - 更先进的药物和治疗方法
  - 实例：流感A病例
    - 过去无法负担昂贵药物，导致大量死亡
    - 随着收入的增加，现在大多数人可以负担得起这些药物
  - 结论：收入增加在提高寿命方面发挥了重要作用

9 关键词