TOEFL TPO -1 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Please discuss the following question: Is it better for new businesses to hire experienced veterans of the industry or to staff the business with younger employees who are right out of university? Why do you think so?

1. 子项得分

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0 Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. 预估分数

26. 3 任务完成度

你的文章在完成任务方面做得很好，但还有一些可以改进的地方。首先，在讨论中，你可以更多地引用对话中的观点和例子，以便更好地支持你的论点。其次，尝试在文章中提供更多具体的例子和细节，以使你的观点更加有说服力。

Example 1: Instead of just mentioning that experienced employees have a better understanding of the products, markets, and customers, you could provide a specific example of how their experience helped them make better decisions in a previous job.

Example 2: When discussing the enthusiasm and energy of experienced employees, you could include a real-life example or anecdote to illustrate how their passion for work has not diminished over time.

4. 文章结构与组织

从组织结构上看，你的文章整体上表现良好。然而，还有一些可以改进的地方。首先，在引言部分，尝试更明确地陈述你将在正文部分讨论的主要观点。其次，在正文段落中，确保每个段落都集中讨论一个特定的观点，并提供相应的支持细节。

Example 1: In the introduction, you could write something like "In this essay, I will argue that hiring experienced veterans is more beneficial for new businesses due to their expertise in the industry and their continued enthusiasm for work."

Example 2: When discussing the benefits of experienced employees, consider dedicating one paragraph to their expertise in the industry and another paragraph to their enthusiasm and energy. This will help make your essay more organized and easier to follow.

5. 语法批改

As far as I am concerned, hringbring(misspelling) experienced veterans of the industry will exert a greater positive influence on the company’s success.

As Claire pointing out that experienced employees can get the business up to speed fast, I want to further illustrate it by adding that experienced employees have a better understanding of the products, the markets, and what the customers need and, and(comma between independent clauses) they also have a command of practical skills. Thus, these abilities allow them to craft more practical products and to deal with the emergencies and problems that they met before more efficiently.

I understand what Paul is saying, but experienced people also boasts the qualities of enthusiastic and energetic. Even though experienced employees have worked for a periodsa period(Agreement: 'a' + plural word) of time, this does not mean that they have lost their enthusiasm and love for work. There is no denying that with both passion for their work and the experience that they have gained from former work, the experienced workers will creatingcreate(Non-infinitive verb after modal verbs) greater value for the company.

Title: 6 文章修订

In my opinion, hiring experienced veterans of the industry will have a more significant positive impact on a new business's success. As Claire mentioned, experienced employees can quickly bring the business up to speed. I would like to expand on this by emphasizing that seasoned professionals possess a comprehensive understanding of products, markets, and customer needs. Additionally, they have honed practical skills over time. These capabilities enable them to develop more pragmatic solutions and efficiently address emergencies and problems they have encountered before.

While I acknowledge Paul's perspective, I believe that experienced individuals can also exhibit enthusiasm and energy. The fact that they have been in the workforce for an extended period does not necessarily imply a loss of passion or dedication to their work. It is essential to recognize that experienced workers who maintain a fervent commitment to their profession can create immense value for the company.

In conclusion, although recent graduates may bring fresh perspectives and eagerness to learn, the advantages offered by experienced veterans are indispensable for new businesses striving for success. Their wealth of knowledge and practical skills contribute significantly to overcoming challenges and fostering growth in the early stages of a company's development. (201 words)

As far as I am concerned, hring In my opinion, hiring experienced veterans of the industry will exert a greater have a more significant positive influence impact on the company’s success. ¶ a new business's success (revised for clarity and formality). As Claire pointing out that mentioned (revised for better subject-verb agreement), experienced employees can get quickly bring the business up to speed fast, speed. I want to further illustrate it would like to expand on this by adding that experienced employees have a better emphasizing that seasoned professionals possess a comprehensive understanding of the products, the markets, and what the customers need and customer needs (revised for clarity and coherence). Additionally, they have honed practical skills over time (revised for conciseness). These capabilities enable them to develop more pragmatic solutions and efficiently address emergencies and problems they have encountered before (revised for clarity).

While I acknowledge Paul's perspective, I believe that experienced individuals can also have a command of practical skills. Thus, these abilities allow them to craft more practical products and to deal with the emergencies and problems exhibit enthusiasm and energy (revised for clarity). The fact that they met before more efficiently. ¶ I understand what Paul is saying, but experienced people also boasts the qualities of enthusiastic and energetic. Even though experienced employees have worked for a periods of time, this have been in the workforce for an extended period does not mean that they have lost their enthusiasm and love for work. There is no denying that with both necessarily imply a loss of passion for or dedication to their work and the experience that they have gained from former work, the (revised for coherence). It is essential to recognize that experienced workers will creating greater who maintain a fervent commitment to their profession can create immense value for the company.company (revised for clarity).

In conclusion, although recent graduates may bring fresh perspectives and eagerness to learn, the advantages offered by experienced veterans are indispensable for new businesses striving for success (revised for coherence). Their wealth of knowledge and practical skills contribute significantly to overcoming challenges and fostering growth in the early stages of a company's development (revised for clarity).

8 思维导图

1. Introduction
   - Experienced veterans vs. recent graduates
   - Claire's point: experienced employees bring business up to speed

2. Comprehensive understanding
   - Products, markets, customer needs
   - Seasoned professionals

3. Practical skills
   - Pragmatic solutions
   - Efficiently address emergencies and problems

4. Enthusiasm and energy
   - Experienced individuals can still be passionate
   - Fervent commitment to profession

5. Conclusion
   - Advantages of experienced veterans for new businesses
   - Overcoming challenges and fostering growth in early stages of development

9 关键词