TOEFL TPO -1 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Energy source is vital for society's development. Some argue that we should use cleaner energy sources to protect the environment, while others believe traditional energy sources like coal and oil are better because they are less expensive. What is your opinion?

1. Sub Scores

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.0 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.5 Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 25

3. Task completeness

The essay does a good job of addressing the topic and presenting a clear viewpoint in favor of cleaner energy sources. However, it could be improved by providing more specific examples and details to support the argument. Additionally, the essay should address the counterargument regarding the cost of cleaner energy sources.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Provide more specific examples of cleaner energy sources and their benefits.

• Address the counterargument about the cost of cleaner energy sources by discussing potential long-term savings or other economic benefits.

Example 1: Instead of just mentioning Taiwan's regulations, provide specific examples of cleaner energy sources that were encouraged, such as solar power or wind energy, and explain how they contributed to improving air quality.

Example 2: Discuss how investing in cleaner energy sources can lead to long-term savings by reducing healthcare costs related to pollution-related illnesses or by creating new job opportunities in the renewable energy sector.

4. Essay structure and organization

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, it could be improved by organizing each paragraph around a specific point with supporting details. Clear transitions between ideas and paragraphs should also be present.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Organize each paragraph around a specific point with supporting details.

• Use clear transitions between ideas and paragraphs to guide the reader through your argument.

Example 1: In your introduction, clearly state your opinion on using cleaner energy sources and outline the main points you will discuss in your essay (e.g., environmental benefits, health improvements, economic advantages).

Example 2: Begin each body paragraph with a topic sentence that introduces the main point you will discuss (e.g., "One significant benefit of cleaner energy sources is their positive impact on the environment."). Then, provide supporting details and examples to strengthen your argument.

5. Grammar

In my view, I wholeheartedly support Brenda’s idea, and I would emphasize that using cleaner energy can improve citizens’ overall well-being. For instance, after the government of Taiwan enacted the regulations to encourage the corporations to use environmentally friendly energy, the air pollution in citythe city(This rule identifies whether the article 'the' is missing in a sentence.) significantly improved. Parents were more willing to bring their children to urban parks, enhancing family relationships. Moreover, because citizens were no longer to worry about the air pollution’s negative impacts, they started jogging and taking a walk around their homes instead of staying home. Consequently, people became healthier, resulting in lower health expenses. While cleaner energy contributes to improvement of well-being, it costs more money than traditional energy. Overall, cleaner energy can not only enhance people’s health condition, but also tighten the relationship among family members.

Title: 6 Revised Essay

In my opinion, the adoption of cleaner energy sources is crucial for society's development and overall well-being. For example, when the Taiwanese government implemented regulations encouraging corporations to utilize environmentally friendly energy, air pollution in cities significantly improved. This led to parents feeling more comfortable taking their children to urban parks, thus strengthening family bonds. Additionally, with reduced concerns about air pollution's negative effects, citizens began engaging in outdoor activities such as jogging and walking near their homes instead of remaining indoors. As a result, people experienced better health and lower healthcare expenses. Although cleaner energy may be more expensive than traditional sources like coal and oil, its benefits extend beyond cost savings by promoting improved health and fostering stronger relationships among family members. (128 words)

In my view, I wholeheartedly support Brenda’s idea, and I would emphasize that using opinion (revised for a more natural tone), the adoption of cleaner energy can improve citizens’ sources is crucial for society's development and overall well-being. well-being (clarified the main idea). For instance, after example, when the Taiwanese government of Taiwan enacted the implemented regulations to encourage the encouraging corporations to use utilize environmentally friendly energy, the energy (rephrased for clarity), air pollution in city cities significantly improved. Parents were This led to parents feeling more willing to bring comfortable taking their children to urban parks, enhancing thus strengthening family relationships. Moreover, because bonds (rephrased for better flow). Additionally, with reduced concerns about air pollution's negative effects, citizens were no longer to worry about the air pollution’s negative impacts, they started began engaging in outdoor activities such as jogging and taking a walk around walking near their homes instead of staying home. Consequently, remaining indoors (rephrased for clarity and better flow). As a result, people became healthier, resulting in experienced better health and lower health healthcare expenses. While Although cleaner energy contributes to improvement of well-being, it costs may be more money expensive than traditional energy. Overall, cleaner sources like coal and oil (added examples of traditional energy can not only enhance people’s sources), its benefits extend beyond cost savings by promoting improved health condition, but also tighten the relationship and fostering stronger relationships among family members.members (summarized the main points).

8 Mind Map

1. Cleaner Energy Sources
   1.1 Importance for society
   1.2 Development and well-being

2. Taiwanese Government Example
   2.1 Regulations for environmentally friendly energy
   2.2 Reduced air pollution in cities

3. Strengthened Family Bonds
   3.1 Parents taking children to urban parks
   3.2 Outdoor activities increase

4. Improved Health and Lower Healthcare Expenses
   4.1 Engaging in outdoor activities like jogging and walking
   4.2 Reduced concerns about air pollution's negative effects 

5. Benefits Beyond Cost Savings
   5.1 Promoting improved health 
   5.2 Fostering stronger relationships among family members 

9 Key Words