TOEFL TPO -1 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Doctor Achebe: As we have been discussing in class, deciding where to donate money is an important consideration when supporting charitable causes. Some prefer local charities where the impact may be more visible, while others favor international ones tackling issues on a broader scale. With this in mind, when donating money to charity, what factors do you take into account when choosing between local and international organizations?

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.0

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.5

• Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2. 预估分数

• Estimated Score: 22

3. 任务完成度

在这篇文章中，你对于捐赠给本地慈善机构和国际慈善机构的讨论基本上是相关的。然而，你需要更多地阐述你的观点，并提供更多具体的例子来支持你的论点。此外，尽量避免使用过于复杂的句子结构，以便让读者更容易理解你的意思。

改进建议示例（英文）：

1. 在支持本地慈善机构方面，可以提供一个具体的例子来说明捐款如何在短时间内产生显著影响。

2. 在论述国际慈善机构方面，可以详细解释为什么它们可能无法满足当地人民的需求，并给出一个实际案例来支持这一观点。

4. 文章结构与组织

文章整体结构较为清晰，包括引言、正文和结论。但是，在段落之间需要加入更明确的过渡语句以使文章更连贯。同时，在正文部分应该更加突出你的观点，并提供更多支持细节。

改进建议示例（英文）：

1. 在引言部分，可以明确指出你同意哪位同学的观点，并简要概括你将在文章中讨论的主要论点。

2. 在正文部分，可以将每个段落聚焦在一个具体的论点上，并使用过渡语句使段落之间更加连贯。例如，在讨论本地慈善机构的优势时，可以使用类似于“首先”、“其次”等过渡词来组织你的观点。

5. 语法批改

Both of the students discuss about whetherdiscuss whether(Collocation: consider (about)) to donate on local charities or international charities. From my perspective, I totally agree with A's idea. Apart from what he has said, I want to add that donating to the local charities will make a great difference in a short time. Hardly can we deny that local citizens are in great need of money, and if they get the money they desire, they are able to make changes to their lives quickly. Admittedly, what B said is convincing for a long run, but she ignoreignores(Agreement error: Non-third person/past tense verb with 'he/she/it' or a pronoun) that local citizens will be disappointed and she overlookoverlooks(Agreement error: Non-third person/past tense verb with 'he/she/it' or a pronoun) the risks. Once in China's history, the king wanted to have greater impact on other countries, so he was generous to their citizens, but he neglected that local human being are also poor. In the end, the needy revolted, and the empire did not exist, thus indicating that this is not a good idea.

Section Title: 6 文章修订

Revised Essay: Both students present compelling arguments regarding the choice between donating to local or international charities. While I appreciate Andrew's perspective on the tangible impact of supporting local organizations, I would like to emphasize the immediacy of change that can be achieved through such contributions. Undeniably, local communities often face pressing needs, and timely financial assistance can significantly improve their circumstances. Although Claire's argument regarding the long-term benefits of supporting international charities is persuasive, it overlooks potential disillusionment among local populations and associated risks. Historical examples, such as a Chinese king who prioritized foreign aid over domestic welfare, demonstrate the potential consequences of neglecting local needs. Ultimately, a balanced approach that considers both immediate and far-reaching impacts is essential when deciding where to allocate charitable donations. (131 words)

Revised Essay: Section Title: 7 文章批改

Both of the students discuss about (discuss --> present compelling arguments for a more natural tone) whether to donate to (on --> to for correct preposition usage) local charities or international charities. From my perspective, I totally agree with A's (A's --> Andrew's for clarity and formality) idea. Apart from what he has said, I want to add that donating to the local charities will make a great difference in a short time. Hardly can we deny that local citizens are in great need of money, and if they get the money they desire, they are able to make changes to their lives quickly. Admittedly, what B said (B said --> Claire's argument for clarity and formality) is convincing for a long run, but she ignore (ignore --> overlooks for proper verb tense) that local citizens will be disappointed and she overlook (overlook --> overlooks for proper verb tense) the risks. Once in China's history, the king wanted to have greater impact on other countries, so he was generous to their citizens, but he neglected that local human being (human being --> communities for more natural expression) are also poor. In the end, the needy revolted, and the empire did not exist, exist (did not exist --> collapsed for more accurate description), thus indicating that this is not a good idea.idea.

Revised Essay: Both students present compelling arguments regarding the choice between donating to local or international charities. While I appreciate Andrew's perspective on the tangible impact of supporting local organizations, I would like to emphasize the immediacy of change that can be achieved through such contributions. Undeniably, local communities often face pressing needs, and timely financial assistance can significantly improve their circumstances. Although Claire's argument regarding the long-term benefits of supporting international charities is persuasive, it overlooks potential disillusionment among local populations and associated risks. Historical examples, such as a Chinese king who prioritized foreign aid over domestic welfare, demonstrate the potential consequences of neglecting local needs. Ultimately, a balanced approach that considers both immediate and far-reaching impacts is essential when deciding where to allocate charitable donations.

Display title: 8 思维导图

1. Introduction
   - Local vs international charities
   - Andrew and Claire's perspectives

2. Tangible impact of local donations
   - Immediate change
   - Pressing needs in communities

3. Long-term benefits of international charities
   - Claire's argument
   - Overlooking local disillusionment and risks

4. Historical examples
   - Chinese king prioritizing foreign aid over domestic welfare

5. Balanced approach
   - Considering immediate and far-reaching impacts

6. Conclusion 
   - Allocating charitable donations wisely

Display title: 9 关键词

Section Title: 6 文章修订

Revised Essay: Both students present compelling arguments regarding the choice between donating to local or international charities. While I appreciate Andrew's perspective on the tangible impact of supporting local organizations, I would like to emphasize the immediacy of change that can be achieved through such contributions. Undeniably, local communities often face pressing needs, and timely financial assistance can significantly improve their circumstances. Although Claire's argument regarding the long-term benefits of supporting international charities is persuasive, it overlooks potential disillusionment among local populations and associated risks. Historical examples, such as a Chinese king who prioritized foreign aid over domestic welfare, demonstrate the potential consequences of neglecting local needs. Ultimately, a balanced approach that considers both immediate and far-reaching impacts is essential when deciding where to allocate charitable donations.