TOEFL TPO -1 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: do you believe that secondary school students should be allowed to choose their own field of study tan university without being guided by parents and teachers? why?

1. Sub Scores

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0 Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2. Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 25

3. Task completeness

The essay addresses the specific requirements of the task, discussing both the importance of students' interests and parents' guidance in choosing a field of study. However, it could benefit from more elaboration on each viewpoint and better use of grammar and vocabulary.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Provide more specific examples or reasons to support each viewpoint.

• Improve grammar, word choice, and sentence structure.

Examples:

1. Instead of saying "most of the students are not wise enough," you could say "many students at this age may lack the life experience necessary to make well-informed decisions."

2. When discussing Andrew's situation, you could provide more details about why he is passionate about teaching and how his happiness would be affected by pursuing engineering instead.

4. Essay structure and organization

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, it could benefit from better organization within paragraphs and clearer transitions between ideas.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Ensure that each paragraph focuses on one main idea with supporting details.

• Use clear transitions between ideas within paragraphs as well as between paragraphs.

Examples:

1. In the first paragraph discussing Kelly's viewpoint, you could reorganize it to first explain why parents' guidance is important (with supporting details) before mentioning the example about arts majors.

2. To improve transitions between ideas, you could use phrases like "On the other hand" or "In contrast" when moving from one viewpoint to another within a paragraph or between paragraphs.

5. Grammar

From my own perspective, I believe that when it comes to selecting majors for students, both students’ interests and parents’ suggestions matter. Firstly, as what Kelly advocate, most of the students are not wise enough to make such an imporatantimportant(misspelling) decision because of their immaturitiesmaturities(misspelling). However, parents and teachers, who know them quite well and think for their best, will provide deeper insights and see the bigger maps. For instance, a lot of students who are interested in arts and music are considering about applyingconsidering applying(Collocation: consider (about)) those related majors. However, it’s a fact that those majors are lack of job opportunities, blocking their further development. With teachers and parents guidance, students can be more aware of that and make a less reckless decision.

Secondly, it’s essential for students to persuepursue(misspelling) something that they are passionate about. For instance, Andrew is required to study engineering even though he’s not interested in that. The predictable consequence is that he will end up unhappy and painful in the rest of his life because deep down, he is passionate about being a teacher to help others. Therefore, students should incorporate both parents’ guidance and their own willingswilling(misspelling) into consideration.

Title: 6 Revised Essay

In my opinion, the process of selecting a major for students should involve a balance between their personal interests and the guidance of parents and teachers. Firstly, as Student A suggests, many students may not possess the maturity or wisdom to make such a crucial decision independently. Parents and teachers, who have a deeper understanding of the students' strengths and weaknesses, can offer valuable insights and guidance. For example, while numerous students may be passionate about pursuing arts or music-related majors, these fields often have limited job opportunities that could hinder their future growth. With the assistance of parents and teachers, students can become more aware of these potential challenges and make more informed decisions.

Secondly, it is vital for students to pursue a field they are genuinely passionate about. As illustrated by Student B's experience, being forced to study engineering despite having no interest in it can lead to unhappiness and dissatisfaction in life. Andrew's true passion lies in teaching others; therefore, he should be allowed to follow his dreams.

In order to strike the right balance between parental guidance and personal interests, open communication between all parties involved is essential. Students should actively engage in discussions with their parents and teachers about their aspirations while considering the practical aspects of their chosen fields.

Ultimately, finding a harmonious blend of personal passion and informed guidance will enable students to make well-rounded decisions regarding their future studies at university. This approach ensures that they embark on an academic path that aligns with both their interests and long-term goals. (262 words)

From In my own perspective, I believe that when it comes to opinion, the process of selecting majors for students, both students’ a major for students should involve a balance between their personal interests and parents’ suggestions matter. ¶ the guidance of parents and teachers (clarified the idea). Firstly, as what Kelly advocate, most of the students are Student A suggests (replaced "Kelly advocate" with "Student A suggests" for clarity), many students may not wise enough possess the maturity or wisdom to make such an imporatant a crucial decision because of their immaturities. However, parents independently. Parents and teachers, who know them quite well and think for their best, will provide have a deeper understanding of the students' strengths and weaknesses, can offer valuable insights and see the bigger maps. guidance (improved sentence structure). For instance, a lot of students who are interested in example, while numerous students may be passionate about pursuing arts and music are considering about applying those related majors. However, it’s a fact or music-related majors, these fields often have limited job opportunities that those majors are lack of job opportunities, blocking their further development. could hinder their future growth (rephrased for clarity). With teachers and the assistance of parents guidance, and teachers, students can be become more aware of that these potential challenges and make a less reckless decision. more informed decisions.

Secondly, it’s it is vital for students to pursue a field they are genuinely passionate about (rephrased for clarity). As illustrated by Student B's experience (replaced "For instance" with "As illustrated by Student B's experience" for variety), being forced to study engineering despite having no interest in it can lead to unhappiness and dissatisfaction in life. Andrew's true passion lies in teaching others; therefore, he should be allowed to follow his dreams (improved sentence structure).

In order to strike the right balance between parental guidance and personal interests, open communication between all parties involved is essential for students to persue something (added transition phrase). Students should actively engage in discussions with their parents and teachers about their aspirations while considering the practical aspects of their chosen fields (improved sentence structure).

Ultimately, finding a harmonious blend of personal passion and informed guidance will enable students to make well-rounded decisions regarding their future studies at university (added transition word). This approach ensures that they are passionate about. For instance, Andrew is required to study engineering even though he’s not interested in that. The predictable consequence is embark on an academic path that he will end up unhappy and painful in the rest of his life because deep down, he is passionate about being a teacher to help others. ¶ Therefore, students should incorporate aligns with both parents’ guidance and their own willings into consideration.their interests and long-term goals (improved sentence structure).

8 Mind Map

1. Selecting a major

   • Personal interests
   • Parental guidance
   • Teacher guidance

2. Maturity and wisdom

   • Student limitations
   • Parent and teacher insights

3. Strengths and weaknesses

   • Job opportunities
   • Future growth

4. Passionate pursuits

   • Genuine interest
   • Student B's experience

5. Open communication

   • Discussions with parents and teachers
   • Practical aspects of chosen fields

6. Harmonious blend

   • Personal passion
   • Informed guidance

7. Well-rounded decisions

   • Future studies at university

8. Aligning interests and goals

   • Academic path

9 Key Words