TOEFL TPO -1 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Some people say that when school make decisions, should school involve students or just solely rely on expert to help them make the decisions on school matters.

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. 预估分数

• 27

3. 任务完成度

你的文章在任务完成度方面表现不错，观点清晰，论据充分。但是，你可以在以下方面进行改进：

1. 在文章开头部分，简要介绍话题和你的立场，使读者更容易理解文章的主题。

2. 在正文部分，尝试使用更多具体的例子来支持你的观点。

改进示例：

1. 开头部分可以这样写：“在学校决策过程中，有人认为应该让学生参与其中，而不是完全依赖专家。我同意这个观点，因为……”

2. 在正文部分添加具体例子：“例如，在课程设置方面，学生可以提出他们认为对自己发展更有帮助的课程建议。”

4. 文章结构与组织

从结构和组织角度来看，你的文章整体上表现良好。然而，在以下几个方面仍有改进空间：

1. 在引言部分明确提出论点和立场。

2. 在正文段落中使用过渡词或短语来连接不同观点。

改进示例：

1. 引言部分可以加入这样的句子：“本文将探讨为什么学生参与学校决策比仅依赖专家更有效。”

2. 在正文段落中使用过渡词，如：“首先，学生对自己的需求了解得更透彻。其次，学生对学校的评价往往更为真实。”

5. 语法批改

From my perspective, I agree with Brad's idea that involving students to make decision on school matter is more effective than solely relying on experts. This is because students' requirements can be fulfilled maximally, thus living a happy life on campus. Students are experts on school matters, and they have first-hand information towards whether school is good or not. Additionally, students have the most reflective opinions than the experts since they live on the campus, and they can have a thorough evaluation about the experience of studying in a school. As a result, students know what the best for them is, and thus, can propose legit ideas and even complaints towards the reformation or renovation of a school. Take an example of myself. When I was in senior high school, I feel that the School’s Gym should be reformed since equipment there is old so, so(comma between independent clauses) it can further cause injury among students. As a result, I complained it to several other students who do sport with me, and they feel the same way. In this way, we proposed such problems to Students Union, a party that aims to serve the students. Eventually, our proposal is approved by school.

Title: 6 文章修订

In my opinion, involving students in decision-making processes regarding school matters is more effective than solely relying on experts. This approach ensures that students' needs are met, contributing to a positive campus experience. Students possess firsthand knowledge of school-related issues and can provide valuable insights based on their experiences. Living and studying on campus allows them to evaluate various aspects of the school environment more accurately than external experts.

For instance, during my senior high school years, I noticed that our school's gym required renovation as the outdated equipment posed a risk of injury to students. After discussing this issue with fellow athletes who shared my concerns, we presented our proposal to the Student Union, an organization dedicated to addressing student needs. Ultimately, our proposal was approved by the school administration, demonstrating the importance of student input in decision-making processes. By incorporating students' perspectives and ideas into decisions about school matters, educational institutions can foster a more inclusive and responsive environment that caters to the diverse needs of their student population. (174 words)

From In my perspective, I agree with Brad's idea that opinion, involving students to make decision on school matter in decision-making processes regarding school matters is more effective than solely relying on experts. experts (revised for clarity and conciseness). This is because approach ensures that students' requirements needs are met (simplified for clarity), contributing to a positive campus experience. Students possess firsthand knowledge of school-related issues and can be fulfilled maximally, thus living a happy life provide valuable insights based on campus. Students are their experiences (rephrased for better flow). Living and studying on campus allows them to evaluate various aspects of the school environment more accurately than external experts on school matters, and they have first-hand information towards whether school is good or not. Additionally, students have the most reflective opinions than the experts since they live on the campus, and they can have a thorough evaluation about the experience of studying in a school. As a result, students know what the best for them is, and thus, can propose legit ideas and even complaints towards the reformation or renovation of a school. Take an example of myself. When I was in (clarified the comparison).

For instance, during my senior high school, school years, I feel noticed that the School’s Gym should be reformed since our school's gym required renovation as the outdated equipment there is old so it can further cause posed a risk of injury among students. As a result, I complained it to several other to students (added context for clarity). After discussing this issue with fellow athletes who do sport with me, and they feel the same way. In this way, shared my concerns, we proposed such problems to Students Union, a party that aims to serve the students. Eventually, presented our proposal is to the Student Union, an organization dedicated to addressing student needs (clarified the role of the Student Union). Ultimately, our proposal was approved by school.the school administration, demonstrating the importance of student input in decision-making processes (connected outcome to main argument). By incorporating students' perspectives and ideas into decisions about school matters, educational institutions can foster a more inclusive and responsive environment that caters to the diverse needs of their student population (summarized main point and provided a concluding statement).

8 思维导图

- Involving students in decision-making
    - More effective than relying on experts
    - Ensures students' needs are met
    - Contributes to a positive campus experience

- Students' firsthand knowledge
    - Valuable insights based on experiences
    - Evaluate school environment accurately

- Example: gym renovation proposal
    - Outdated equipment posed risk of injury
    - Discussed with fellow athletes and Student Union
    - Proposal approved by school administration

- Importance of student input in decision-making processes
    - Fosters inclusive and responsive environment 

9 关键词