TOEFL TPO -1 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Dr. Gupta This week we covered different parenting styles One idea we discussed was how much independence and freedom we should give our children, especially young children. One related issue iswhether there should be an age limit on when children can have mobile phones. In this discussion post, I would like you to discuss whether you agree or disagree with the idea offsetting a minimum age for when children can have a mobilephone. Explain your opinion.

1. Sub Scores:

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 3.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.0 Language Use and Grammar: 2.5

2. Estimated Scores:

Estimated Score: 20

3. Task completeness:

The essay does address the topic of whether there should be an age limit for children to have mobile phones, but it could be improved in terms of clarity and elaboration. The writer seems to agree with Andrew's point of view, but the argument is not well-developed, and the examples provided are not directly related to the issue at hand. To improve the essay, the writer should provide more specific reasons for their opinion and use relevant examples to support their viewpoint.

Example 1: Instead of talking about personal experience with digital products in general, focus on mobile phones specifically and how they can impact children's safety, communication skills, or learning abilities.

Example 2: Discuss potential solutions for making mobile phones safer for young children, such as parental controls or specialized devices designed for kids.

4. Essay structure and organization:

The essay lacks a clear structure, which makes it difficult to follow the writer's argument. The introduction does not clearly state the writer's opinion on the issue, while the body paragraphs do not focus on specific points related to mobile phone usage by young children. The conclusion is also missing from the essay. To improve organization, consider using a clear structure with an introduction that states your opinion, body paragraphs that each focus on a specific point with supporting details, and a conclusion that summarizes your argument.

Example 1: Introduction: "In today's digital age, mobile phone usage among children has become a controversial topic. While some argue that these devices can be beneficial for communication and safety purposes, I believe that there should be an age limit for when children can have mobile phones due to potential risks associated with their use."

Example 2: Body paragraph: "One major concern with allowing young children to have mobile phones is the potential exposure to inappropriate content and online predators. Despite parental controls and monitoring, it can be challenging for parents to keep track of their child's online activities, which could put them at risk. By setting an age limit for mobile phone usage, parents can better protect their children from these dangers."

5. Grammar

In my view, Andrew's support for restricting a certain age for children to use technical products is wistersister(misspelling) than ClaiteClaire(misspelling)'s proposition. Claire fails to see that there are many advantageous and necessities for (Two consecutive spaces)youngsters to expose to digital world ,,(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) not only for the sake of children's perepectiveperspective(misspelling), but also leads them researchto research(This rule identifies whether the preposition 'to' is missing in a sentence.) the society. As Andrew states, giving students phonea phone(This rule identifies whether the article 'a' is missing in a sentence.) before a certain age makes it possible for children to widen their outlook. To be more specific ,,(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) It is giving them a chance to gain the knowledge worldwide that benefits them by improving their perception of society and developing their critical thinking of new things. Myself is a good case in point. I was forbiddendforbidden(misspelling) to expose to any digital products until the day I entered into college. Instead of knowing nothing about daily events, internet jokes,my, my(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) roommates handled them better than me obviously, which weakened my self-reliance. Fortunately, With the aid of my peers, I grauallygradually(misspelling) accustomed of using mobile phone to gain intriguing knowledge about society which broaden my perspective from both sides. Therefore, using technical products previously is necessary.

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

In my opinion, Andrew's stance on setting an age limit for children's use of technological devices is more prudent than Claire's proposal. Claire overlooks the numerous benefits and necessities of exposing young individuals to the digital world, not only from the children's perspective but also in terms of their ability to navigate society. As Andrew suggests, providing children with access to mobile phones at an appropriate age enables them to broaden their horizons. More specifically, it offers them the opportunity to acquire global knowledge that enhances their understanding of society and fosters the development of critical thinking skills. My own experience serves as a prime example. I was prohibited from using any digital products until I entered college. Consequently, I lacked awareness of current events and internet trends, while my roommates were clearly more adept in these areas, which undermined my self-reliance. Fortunately, with the assistance of my peers, I gradually became accustomed to utilizing mobile phones as a means of acquiring valuable insights into societal matters, ultimately expanding my worldview from various perspectives. Therefore, introducing technological devices at an appropriate age is essential for children's development. (192 words)

In my view, opinion, Andrew's support for restricting a certain stance on setting an age for children to limit for children's use technical products of technological devices is wister more prudent (revised for clarity and natural tone) than Claite's proposition. Claire's proposal. Claire fails to see that there are many advantageous overlooks the numerous benefits and necessities for youngsters to expose to of exposing young individuals to the digital world (rephrased for better flow), not only for the sake of from the children's perepective, perspective but also leads them research the society. in terms of their ability to navigate society (revised for clarity). As Andrew states, giving students phone before a certain suggests, providing children with access to mobile phones at an appropriate age makes enables them to broaden their horizons (rephrased for better flow). More specifically, it possible for children to widen offers them the opportunity to acquire global knowledge that enhances their outlook. To be more specific , It is giving them a chance to gain the knowledge worldwide that benefits them by improving their perception understanding of society and developing their fosters the development of critical thinking of new things. Myself is skills (revised for clarity and natural tone). My own experience serves as a good case in point. prime example (rephrased for better flow). I was forbiddend to expose to prohibited from using any digital products until the day I entered college. Consequently, I lacked awareness of current events and internet trends, while my roommates were clearly more adept in these areas, which undermined my self-reliance (revised for clarity and natural tone). Fortunately, with the assistance of my peers, I gradually became accustomed to utilizing mobile phones as a means of acquiring valuable insights into college. Instead of knowing nothing about daily events, internet jokes,my roommates handled them better than me obviously, which weakened my self-reliance. Fortunately, With the aid of my peers, I graually accustomed of using mobile phone to gain intriguing knowledge about society which broaden my perspective societal matters (rephrased for better flow), ultimately expanding my worldview from both sides. various perspectives (revised for clarity). Therefore, using technical products previously introducing technological devices at an appropriate age is necessary.essential for children's development (rephrased for better flow).

8 Mind Map

1. Introduction

   • Andrew's stance
   • Claire's proposal
   • Importance of technology exposure

2. Benefits of technology

   • Global knowledge
   • Critical thinking skills

3. Personal experience

   • Limited exposure to technology
   • Consequences of restriction

4. Transition to college

   • Peer assistance
   • Adapting to mobile phones usage

5. Expanding worldview

   • Access to societal matters
   • Various perspectives

6. Conclusion

   • Appropriate age for introducing technology
   • Essential for children's development

9 Key Words

6 Revised Essay

In my opinion, Andrew's stance on setting an age limit for children's use of technological devices is more prudent than Claire's proposal. Claire overlooks the numerous benefits and necessities of exposing young individuals to the digital world, not only from the children's perspective but also in terms of their ability to navigate society. As Andrew suggests, providing children with access to mobile phones at an appropriate age enables them to broaden their horizons. More specifically, it offers them the opportunity to acquire global knowledge that enhances their understanding of society and fosters the development of critical thinking skills. My own experience serves as a prime example. I was prohibited from using any digital products until I entered college. Consequently, I lacked awareness of current events and internet trends, while my roommates were clearly more adept in these areas, which undermined my self-reliance. Fortunately, with the assistance of my peers, I gradually became accustomed to utilizing mobile phones as a means of acquiring valuable insights into societal matters, ultimately expanding my worldview from various perspectives. Therefore, introducing technological devices at an appropriate age is essential for children's development.