TOEFL TPO -1 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Some argue that the rapid advancementof science and technology is beneficial forsociety as a whole and should be encouraged.Others believe that this progress is happeningtoo quickly and may lead to serious issues.Which viewpoint do you agree with?

1. Sub Scores

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.0 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.5 Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2. Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 22 (based on the average of Sub Scores)

3. Task completeness

The essay addresses the specific requirements of the task by taking a clear stance on the issue of rapid technological advancement. However, it could be improved by providing more specific examples to support the arguments and by addressing counterarguments from the opposing viewpoint. Additionally, some grammar errors and unclear language use need to be addressed.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Provide more specific examples to support your arguments.

• Address counterarguments from the opposing viewpoint.

• Revise grammar errors and improve language use for clarity.

Examples:

1. Instead of just mentioning TikTok and Instagram, explain how these platforms have directly impacted critical thinking abilities in society.
2. Address a counterargument by acknowledging that rapid technological advancements have led to improvements in healthcare, but then provide reasons why you still believe that overall, this progress is harmful.

4. Essay structure and organization

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, it could be improved by using clearer transitions between ideas and paragraphs, as well as providing more elaboration on each point made.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Use clearer transitions between ideas and paragraphs.

• Elaborate on each point made in the body paragraphs.

Examples:

1. Instead of starting your second paragraph with "Firstly," try using a transition like "One significant issue caused by rapid technological advancements is..."
2. In your second body paragraph about environmental impacts, elaborate further on how mobile devices contribute to pollution or provide an example of another technology that has led to environmental degradation.

5. Grammar

In terms of the influence of technology advancements, I firmly believe that the fast development of technology is harmful for our life. Firstly, with the rise of the Internet and mobile phones, human’s critical thinking abilities have been lowered. Because, the abundance of fragmented information, videos can easily impact our cognitive competence. For instance, people have become addicted to short videos on platforms such as TikTok and Instagram, since everyone enable post and publish passages that may be superficial, inaccurate and one-side, this can lead us to have bias views on social problems including tax policy, gender issues, inclusion crises./// Secondly, current improvements and progress in technology comes at the expense of the environment causing ecological problems. For example, the enormous green house gases, noise, air and light pollution created by air-conditioners, mobile devices and others negatively influence on sustainable development and accelerate environmental degradation.

Title: 6 Revised Essay

In considering the impact of rapid technological advancements, I assert that the accelerated development of technology poses significant challenges to our lives. Firstly, the proliferation of the internet and mobile phones has led to a decline in critical thinking abilities among individuals. The abundance of fragmented information and videos readily available can adversely affect our cognitive competence. For instance, people have become increasingly addicted to short videos on platforms such as TikTok and Instagram. As anyone can post and publish content that may be superficial, inaccurate, or one-sided, this can result in biased perspectives on social issues such as tax policy, gender disparities, and inclusion crises.

Secondly, contemporary advancements in technology often come at the expense of environmental sustainability, leading to ecological problems. For example, the excessive greenhouse gases, noise pollution, air pollution, and light pollution generated by air conditioners, mobile devices, and other technologies negatively impact sustainable development and exacerbate environmental degradation.

Lastly, rapid technological progress has resulted in widespread unemployment due to automation. As more jobs become automated in this era of accelerated change, many individuals who lose their jobs may question whether this progress is genuinely beneficial for society. The consequences of job displacement could lead to social unrest and economic instability if not addressed appropriately. Therefore, it is crucial to consider both the advantages and potential drawbacks when evaluating the merits of rapid technological advancements. (233 words)

In terms of the influence considering the impact of rapid technological advancements (rephrased for clarity and conciseness), I assert that the accelerated development of technology advancements, I firmly believe that the fast development of technology is harmful for poses significant challenges to our life. ¶ lives (rephrased for emphasis). Firstly, with the rise of the Internet the proliferation of the internet and mobile phones, human’s phones has led to a decline in critical thinking abilities have been lowered. Because, the among individuals (revised for smoother sentence flow). The abundance of fragmented information, information and videos readily available can easily impact adversely affect our cognitive competence. competence (rephrased for improved readability). For instance, people have become increasingly addicted to short videos on platforms such as TikTok and Instagram, since everyone enable Instagram. As anyone can post and publish passages content that may be superficial, inaccurate and one-side, inaccurate, or one-sided, this can lead us to have bias views result in biased perspectives on social problems including issues such as tax policy, gender issues, disparities, and inclusion crises./// crises (revised for better sentence structure).

Secondly, current improvements and progress contemporary advancements in technology comes often come at the expense of the environment causing environmental sustainability, leading to ecological problems. problems (rephrased for clarity). For example, the enormous green house excessive greenhouse gases, noise, noise pollution, air pollution, and light pollution created generated by air-conditioners, air conditioners, mobile devices and others devices, and other technologies negatively influence on impact sustainable development and accelerate exacerbate environmental degradation.degradation (revised for improved readability).

Lastly, rapid technological progress has resulted in widespread unemployment due to automation (added a new point to strengthen the argument). As more jobs become automated in this era of accelerated change, many individuals who lose their jobs may question whether this progress is genuinely beneficial for society. The consequences of job displacement could lead to social unrest and economic instability if not addressed appropriately. Therefore, it is crucial to consider both the advantages and potential drawbacks when evaluating the merits of rapid technological advancements (summarized main points and provided a conclusion).

8 Mind Map

1. Introduction

   • Impact of rapid technological advancements
   • Challenges to our lives

2. Decline in critical thinking abilities

   • Proliferation of the internet and mobile phones
   • Fragmented information and videos
   • Addiction to short videos (TikTok, Instagram)
   • Biased perspectives on social issues

3. Environmental sustainability

   • Advancements at the expense of ecology
   • Greenhouse gases, noise pollution, air pollution, light pollution
   • Negative impact on sustainable development and environmental degradation

4. Widespread unemployment due to automation

   • Job displacement consequences
   • Social unrest and economic instability

5. Conclusion

   • Importance of considering advantages and drawbacks

9 Key Words