TOEFL TPO -1 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Do you agree or disagree with the idea of requiring volunteer work for graduation and why do you feel that way?

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 3.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 3.0

2. 预估分数

22. 3 任务完成度

这篇文章在完成任务方面表现一般。虽然你表达了不同意将志愿者工作作为毕业要求的观点，但论据和例子较少，缺乏深入的论证。建议你增加更多有说服力的论据和具体例子来支持你的观点。

示例1（改进前）：Doing some volunteer work is indeed better to let some students feel some achievement, but they can do a better job of helping people with better acknowledge. 示例1（改进后）：Although volunteer work can provide students with a sense of achievement, focusing on their education allows them to develop skills that can have a more significant impact on society in the long run.

示例2（改进前）：To be more specific, the first thing that students should do in school is learn knowledge... 示例2（改进后）：To elaborate, the primary goal of students in school should be to acquire knowledge and develop skills that will enable them to contribute more effectively to society in their future careers.

4. 文章结构与组织

文章结构方面需要改进。建议在开头部分明确表达你的观点，并在正文部分逐一陈述和论证你的观点。最后，总结全文并重申你的立场。另外，注意在段落之间使用恰当的过渡词或短语，使文章更连贯。

示例1（改进前）：I strongly suggest that students should not be required to do volunteer work for their graduation because it costs a lot of time that is supposed to learn some knowledge. 示例1（改进后）：I firmly believe that students should not be required to complete volunteer work for graduation, as it takes away valuable time that could be better spent on acquiring knowledge and developing skills.

示例2（改进前）：To be more specific, the first thing that students should do in school is learn knowledge... 示例2（改进后）：First and foremost, the primary goal of students in school should be to acquire knowledge and develop skills that will enable them to contribute more effectively to society in their future careers.

5. 语法批改

I strongly suggest that students should not be required to do volunteer work for their graduation because it costs a lot of time that is supposed to learn some knowledge.

To be more specific, the first thing that students should do in school is learn knowledge, which will significantly improve their skills or capability to do something better than distributing food to the needy. For example, my cousin is a college student who majored in electronic engineering, and he got good grades at his university, however, he has invented three automatic machines for the farmer by using his professional knowledge, which helps the local farmer more effectively use the water in the farmland.

Doing some volunteer work is indeed better to let some students feel some achievement, but they can do a better job of helping people with better acknowledge.

Title: 6 文章修订

While I acknowledge the importance of volunteer work, I firmly believe that it should not be a mandatory requirement for high school graduation. The primary focus of students during their educational journey should be to acquire knowledge and develop skills that will enable them to contribute more effectively to society in the long run.

To illustrate this point, consider a college student majoring in electronic engineering who excels academically. By applying their specialized knowledge, they can create innovative solutions such as designing automated machines for farmers, which can significantly improve agricultural efficiency and resource management. This kind of contribution has a far-reaching impact on the community compared to distributing food to the needy.

Although engaging in volunteer work can provide students with a sense of accomplishment and foster empathy, it is crucial to recognize that they can make more meaningful contributions by utilizing their acquired knowledge and expertise. Encouraging voluntary participation rather than mandating it ensures that students are genuinely motivated to help others without compromising their primary educational objectives. (173 words)

Revised essay: Title: 7 文章批改

While I strongly suggest that students acknowledge the importance of volunteer work (clarified the stance), I firmly believe that it should not be required to do a mandatory requirement for high school graduation (more precise language). The primary focus of students during their educational journey should be to acquire knowledge and develop skills that will enable them to contribute more effectively to society in the long run (clearer and more formal phrasing).

To illustrate this point, consider a college student majoring in electronic engineering who excels academically (more specific example). By applying their specialized knowledge, they can create innovative solutions such as designing automated machines for farmers, which can significantly improve agricultural efficiency and resource management (expanded on the example). This kind of contribution has a far-reaching impact on the community compared to distributing food to the needy (comparison added for emphasis).

Although engaging in volunteer work for their graduation because can provide students with a sense of accomplishment and foster empathy (acknowledging benefits), it costs a lot of time that is supposed to learn some knowledge. ¶ To be more specific, the first thing crucial to recognize that they can make more meaningful contributions by utilizing their acquired knowledge and expertise (restating main argument). Encouraging voluntary participation rather than mandating it ensures that students should do in school is learn knowledge, which will significantly improve their skills or capability to do something better than distributing food to the needy. For example, my cousin is a college student who majored in electronic engineering, and he got good grades at his university, however, he has invented three automatic machines for the farmer by using his professional knowledge, which helps the local farmer more effectively use the water in the farmland. ¶ Doing some volunteer work is indeed better to let some students feel some achievement, but they can do a better job of helping people are genuinely motivated to help others without compromising their primary educational objectives (conclusion with better acknowledge.an alternative suggestion).

Display title: 8 思维导图

Mindmap:

1. Introduction
   - Importance of volunteer work
   - Thesis: not mandatory for high school graduation

2. Primary focus of students
   - Acquire knowledge
   - Develop skills

3. Example: electronic engineering student
   - Excels academically
   - Innovative solutions (automated machines for farmers)

4. Impact of specialized knowledge
   - Agricultural efficiency
   - Resource management

5. Volunteer work benefits
   - Sense of accomplishment
   - Foster empathy

6. Meaningful contributions through expertise

7. Encourage voluntary participation instead of mandating it 

8. Conclusion 

Display title: 9 关键词