TOEFL TPO -1 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Admittedly, Bob makes a meaningful point that students could be unwilling to engage in volunteer works and volunteer is not mandate for university application. However, in today's highly competitive world, having good academic performance is not enough for attending top-tier universities, while having vonlunteering experiences could beautify your personal resume for your application. This because, volunteering experiences illustrate that you are responsible, warmhearted young adults, who care about societies and will to contribute to better society. These are precious virtues that universities are in favor of. Also, by taking volunteering jobs,students could expand their friend circle, enabling them to have more friends which are useful resources for further personal development.

1.Sub Scores

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0 Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2.Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 28

3.Task completeness

The essay does a good job of addressing the task, but there is room for improvement. To enhance the essay, consider providing more specific examples of how volunteering experiences can benefit students and why universities value these experiences. Additionally, try to explore different aspects of the topic rather than repeating the same ideas throughout the essay.

Example 1: Instead of just stating that volunteering helps expand a student's friend circle, you could provide an example of a student who volunteered at a local food bank and made connections with other like-minded individuals who later became valuable resources in their academic journey.

Example 2: Discuss how universities might view volunteer work as an indicator of a student's ability to manage their time effectively and balance multiple responsibilities, which is an essential skill for success in higher education.

4.Essay structure and organization

The essay's structure could be improved by adding an introduction that briefly introduces the topic and presents your main argument. The body paragraphs should each focus on a specific point with supporting details, while the conclusion should summarize your main points and restate your argument.

Example 1: Introduction - "In today's competitive academic landscape, students are often encouraged to participate in volunteer work to enhance their university applications. While some argue that volunteering should not be mandatory for university admissions, it is undeniable that such experiences offer numerous benefits for both personal growth and application attractiveness."

Example 2: Body Paragraph - "One major advantage of participating in volunteer work is the development of essential life skills such as teamwork, communication, and problem-solving. For instance, students who volunteer at community events learn to collaborate with diverse groups of people while addressing various challenges that arise during their service. These skills are highly valued by universities, as they contribute to a well-rounded and capable student body."

5. Grammar

Admittedly, Bob makes a meaningful point that students could be unwilling to engage in volunteer works and volunteer is not mandatemandated(Agreement: 'been' or 'was' + past tense) for university application. However, in today's highly competitive world, having good academic performance is not enough for attending top-tier universities, while having volunteering experiences could beautify your personal resume for your application. This because, volunteering experiences illustrate that you are responsible, warmhearted young adults, who care about societies and will to contribute to better society. These are precious virtues that universities are in favor of. Also, by taking volunteering jobs, students could expand their friend circle, enabling them to have more friends which are useful resources for further personal development.

6.Revised Essay

In today's competitive academic landscape, students are often encouraged to participate in volunteer work to enhance their university applications. While some argue that volunteering should not be mandatory for university admissions, it is undeniable that such experiences offer numerous benefits for both personal growth and application attractiveness.

One major advantage of participating in volunteer work is the development of essential life skills such as teamwork, communication, and problem-solving. For instance, students who volunteer at community events learn to collaborate with diverse groups of people while addressing various challenges that arise during their service. These skills are highly valued by universities, as they contribute to a well-rounded and capable student body.

Furthermore, engaging in volunteer activities allows students to expand their social networks and connect with like-minded individuals who can become valuable resources in their academic journey. This not only enriches their personal development but also demonstrates a commitment to societal improvement – a quality that top-tier universities seek in prospective students.

By embracing volunteering opportunities, students showcase themselves as responsible and compassionate young adults dedicated to making a positive impact on society. In turn, this enhances their chances of securing admission into prestigious institutions and sets them on a path towards success. (204 words)

Admittedly, Bob makes a meaningful point 7.Essay Grading

In today's competitive academic landscape, students are often encouraged to participate in volunteer work to enhance their university applications. (This opening sentence provides context and introduces the topic effectively.) While some argue that students could volunteering should not be unwilling to engage in volunteer works and volunteer is not mandate mandatory for university application. However, in today's admissions, it is undeniable that such experiences offer numerous benefits for both personal growth and application attractiveness. (This sentence acknowledges opposing views while stating the main argument.)

One major advantage of participating in volunteer work is the development of essential life skills such as teamwork, communication, and problem-solving. (This topic sentence clearly introduces the main point of the paragraph.) For instance, students who volunteer at community events learn to collaborate with diverse groups of people while addressing various challenges that arise during their service. (The use of a specific example helps illustrate the point.) These skills are highly competitive world, having good valued by universities, as they contribute to a well-rounded and capable student body. (This sentence connects the point back to university admissions.)

Furthermore, engaging in volunteer activities allows students to expand their social networks and connect with like-minded individuals who can become valuable resources in their academic performance is journey. (This topic sentence introduces a new benefit of volunteering.) This not enough for attending only enriches their personal development but also demonstrates a commitment to societal improvement – a quality that top-tier universities, while having universities seek in prospective students. (The use of advanced vocabulary and clear explanation strengthens the argument.)

By embracing volunteering experiences could beautify your opportunities, students showcase themselves as responsible and compassionate young adults dedicated to making a positive impact on society. (This sentence summarizes the main points without being repetitive.) In turn, this enhances their chances of securing admission into prestigious institutions and sets them on a path towards success. (The conclusion ties everything together by showing how volunteering benefits both personal resume for your application. This because, volunteering experiences illustrate that you are responsible, warmhearted young adults, who care about societies and will to contribute to better society. These are precious virtues that universities are in favor of. Also, by taking volunteering jobs, students could expand their friend circle, enabling them to have more friends which are useful resources for further personal development.growth and university applications.)

8.Mind Map

- Introduction
  - Competitive academic landscape
  - Volunteering for university applications

- Benefits of volunteering
  - Personal growth
  - Application attractiveness

- Life skills development
  - Teamwork
  - Communication
  - Problem-solving

- Social network expansion
  - Like-minded individuals
  - Valuable resources in academic journey

- Commitment to societal improvement
  - Quality sought by top-tier universities 

- Conclusion 
  - Responsible and compassionate young adults 
  - Enhanced chances of admission into prestigious institutions 

9.Key Words