TOEFL TPO -1 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: There are all kinds of workers: office workers, physical laborers, service providers, etc. However, the number of bosses is significant smaller compared to that of workers. It is common sense that bosses tend to earn much more than common workers, so much so that it seems unjust because bosses occupy a large chunk of the profits procured by their businesses while seemingly doing much less work than their employees. Most workers only drool over the enormous profits of their bosses, but they rarely take actions to start their own businesses. That is really because it is very hard to succeed in the business world. What do you think is an important factor that makes a successful entrepreneur?

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. 预估分数

• 28

3. 任务完成度

整体来说，你的文章回答了问题，并且提出了一个观点。然而，你的文章可以在以下方面进行改进：首先，在引用Claire和Paul的观点时，可以对他们的观点进行更深入的讨论和反驳，以使你的论证更有说服力。其次，在举例子时，尽量使用具体的例子来支持你的观点。

示例1（改进）： 虽然Claire认为资本对于企业成功至关重要，但是没有创新和毅力，资本也无法带来长久的成功。许多企业在初期获得了大量投资，但由于缺乏创新能力和持续发展动力，最终还是失败了。

示例2（改进）： 与Paul关于管理技能的观点相比，我认为创新和毅力更为关键。一个优秀的企业家需要具备领导团队并激发团队潜能的能力，但在竞争激烈的市场中取得成功还需要不断地创新和克服困难的决心。

4. 文章结构与组织

你的文章结构基本清晰，但可以在以下方面进行改进：首先，可以在开头部分简要介绍Claire和Paul的观点，以便于引出你的论点。其次，在正文部分，尝试使用段落来组织你的观点和论据，使文章更加条理清晰。最后，在结尾部分总结你的观点，并指出为什么创新和毅力是成功企业家的关键因素。

示例1（改进）： 开头部分：在讨论成功企业家所需因素时，Claire认为资本至关重要，而Paul则强调管理技能。然而，在我看来，创新能力和毅力才是决定企业家成功与否的关键因素。

示例2（改进）： 结尾部分：总之，虽然资本和管理技能对于企业家成功有一定作用，但创新能力和毅力才是真正决定企业家是否能在竞争激烈的市场中脱颖而出的关键因素。

5. 语法批改

In my point of view, it is the perservationpreservation(misspelling) and the ability of innovation that leads entrepreneurs to success. Take Steven JobsJobs,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) for example. He was fired by his own company but, but(comma between independent clauses) he was not defeated. With continiouscontinuous(misspelling) hard work, he founded the Apple and won back what he lost. What is more, he realized that the era of the mobile devices would be around the corner, therefore he firstly brought the invention of iPhone, which has been proven to be a legendary product and has become the mainstream of cellphones. While both Claire's and Paul's arguments hold merit, I am one of the opinion that (Two consecutive spaces)capital and management skills are something auxiliary. One's perservationpreservation(misspelling) is irreplaceableirreplaceable,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) and being able to innovate makes one excel in the competitive business world.

Title: 6 文章修订

In my perspective, perseverance and the ability to innovate are the key factors that lead entrepreneurs to success. Take Steve Jobs as an example. He was fired from his own company but remained undeterred. Through continuous hard work, he founded Apple and reclaimed his lost legacy. Furthermore, he foresaw the emergence of the mobile device era and introduced the groundbreaking iPhone, which has since become a legendary product and established itself as a dominant force in the cellphone market. While both Claire's and Paul's arguments regarding capital and management skills hold merit, I believe these aspects are auxiliary in nature. Ultimately, an individual's perseverance is irreplaceable, and their capacity for innovation is what enables them to excel in the competitive business world. (125 words)

In my point of view, it is the perservation perspective [Changed "point of view" to "perspective" for a more natural expression], perseverance and the ability of innovation to innovate are the key factors that leads lead entrepreneurs to success. Take Steven Steve Jobs for example. as an example [Changed "Steven Jobs" to "Steve Jobs" for the correct name]. He was fired by from his own company but he was not defeated. With continious remained undeterred [Changed "not defeated" to "remained undeterred" for a more natural expression]. Through continuous hard work, he founded the Apple and won reclaimed his lost legacy [Changed "won back what he lost. What is more, lost" to "reclaimed his lost legacy" for clarity]. Furthermore, he realized that the foresaw the emergence of the mobile device era of the mobile devices would be around the corner, therefore he firstly and introduced the groundbreaking iPhone [Changed "firstly brought the invention of iPhone, iPhone" to "introduced the groundbreaking iPhone"], which has been proven to be since become a legendary product and has become the mainstream of cellphones. established itself as a dominant force in the cellphone market [Changed "mainstream of cellphones" to "dominant force in the cellphone market"]. While both Claire's and Paul's arguments regarding capital and management skills hold merit, I am one of the opinion that capital and management skills believe these aspects are something auxiliary. One's perservation auxiliary in nature [Clarified meaning by adding "in nature"]. Ultimately, an individual's perseverance is irreplaceable and being able to innovate makes one irreplaceable, and their capacity for innovation is what enables them to excel in the competitive business world.world [Improved sentence structure for clarity].

8 思维导图

- Perseverance
  - Key factor for success
  - Steve Jobs example
    - Fired from own company
    - Founded Apple
    - Reclaimed lost legacy

- Ability to Innovate
  - Foreseeing emerging trends
  - iPhone as a groundbreaking product
  - Dominant force in the cellphone market

- Capital and Management Skills (Claire's and Paul's arguments)
  - Hold merit but auxiliary in nature

- Conclusion
  - Perseverance is irreplaceable
  - Capacity for innovation enables success in the competitive business world

9 关键词