TOEFL TPO -1 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: what is the best stratege or approach that governments can use attract more people to live in rural areas?why?
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Professor
Let's think about population trends in urban and rural areas (villages). Living in urban areas can be expensive; nonetheless, when they have a choice of where to live, people in some countries do not wish to live in rural areas even if the cost of living there is lower. If governments of some countries want to attract more people to live in rural areas or villages, what is the best strategy or approach that governments can use? Why?
rory
In my country, urban centers are great places to live because you can access shops, restaurants, and museums. If the government of my country wanted to attract me to live in a rural area, the area would first
Amy
I would live in a rural area if the government gave more financial help to farmers. Although it may cost very little to live in a rural area, it costs a lot to begin a career in agriculture. If I had financial help, I would start my own farm and be happy to live in a rural area.
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Amy presents a compelling argument in favor of promoting financial help to attract people live in rural areas. Admittedly, government financial is an excellent means to help work attractive. However, considering the comfort level of living here, I am inclined to say the education and medical treatment. In my view, the city, not only the better education for children, but also good medical for old men. For example, as people are sick in rural areas, they need to go to the faraway city to get good treatment, which will be a risk of taking too long to go to the hospital. Therefore, I firmly believe that good education and hospitals will attract people live here.
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1. 子项得分
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Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 3.5
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Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.0
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Language Use and Grammar: 2.5
2. 预估分数
- Estimated Score: 20
3. 任务完成度
这篇文章在回答问题方面有一定的相关性,但在阐述观点和使用语言方面还有待提高。建议在以下几个方面进行改进:
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更清晰地表达观点,避免使用不清楚或不恰当的词汇。
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在论述观点时提供更多具体的例子和细节。
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注意语法错误,并尝试使用更丰富的词汇和句式。
示例1: 原文:In my view, the city, not only the better education for children, but also good medical for old men. 修改后:In my opinion, cities offer not only better educational opportunities for children but also superior medical facilities for the elderly.
示例2: 原文:Therefore, I firmly believe that good education and hospitals will attract people live here. 修改后:Therefore, I firmly believe that providing quality education and healthcare facilities will attract more people to live in rural areas.
4. 文章结构与组织
文章的结构和组织方面需要改进。建议按照以下几点进行修改:
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引入段落中明确提出自己的观点。
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正文段落中分别阐述支持自己观点的理由,并提供相应的例子和细节。
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结尾段落中总结观点,呼应文章开头。
示例1: 原文:Amy presents a compelling argument in favor of promoting financial help to attract people live in rural areas. 修改后:Amy's argument that providing financial assistance can attract more people to live in rural areas is compelling, but I believe that improving education and healthcare facilities is a better approach.
示例2: 原文:In my view, the city, not only the better education for children, but also good medical for old men. 修改后:One reason why I believe improving education and healthcare facilities is essential is that cities currently offer superior educational opportunities for children and better medical care for the elderly.
5. 语法批改
Amy presents a compelling argument in favor of promoting financial help to attract people liveto live(This rule identifies whether the preposition 'to' is missing in a sentence.) in rural areas. (Whitespace repetition (bad formatting))Admittedly, government financial is an excellent means to help work attractive. (Whitespace repetition (bad formatting))However, considering the comfort level of living here, I am inclined to say the education and medical treatment. (Whitespace repetition (bad formatting))In my view, the city, not only the better education for children, but also good medical for old men. (Whitespace repetition (bad formatting))For example, as people are sick in rural areas, they need to go to the faraway city to get good treatment, which will be a risk of taking too long to go to the hospital. (Whitespace repetition (bad formatting))Therefore, I firmly believe that good education and hospitals will attract people liveto live(This rule identifies whether the preposition 'to' is missing in a sentence.) here.
Section Title: 6 Article Revision
Amy presents a compelling argument in favor of providing financial assistance to encourage individuals to reside in rural areas. While government support for agriculture is indeed an effective approach, I believe that improving education and healthcare facilities should also be prioritized. In urban centers, residents enjoy access to superior educational opportunities for their children and comprehensive medical care for the elderly. For instance, when individuals in rural areas fall ill, they often must travel long distances to receive adequate treatment, posing a significant risk due to the time-sensitive nature of certain medical emergencies. Consequently, I am convinced that enhancing educational and healthcare services in rural regions will make them more appealing places to live. (119 words)
Amy presents a compelling argument in favor of promoting providing financial help assistance (changed "promoting financial help" to attract people live "providing financial assistance" for clarity and better word choice) to encourage individuals (replaced "people" with "individuals" for variety) to reside in rural areas. Admittedly, areas. While government financial support for agriculture (rephrased "government financial" to "government support for agriculture" for clarity) is indeed an excellent means effective approach, I believe that improving education and healthcare facilities (added "facilities" for specificity) should also be prioritized. In urban centers, residents enjoy access to help work attractive. However, considering superior educational opportunities (rephrased "the better education" to "superior educational opportunities") for their children and comprehensive medical care (rephrased "good medical" to "comprehensive medical care") for the comfort level elderly. For instance, when individuals in rural areas fall ill, they often must travel long distances to receive adequate treatment (revised sentence structure and phrasing), posing a significant risk due to the time-sensitive nature of living here, certain medical emergencies. Consequently, I am inclined to say the education convinced that enhancing educational and medical treatment. In my view, the city, not only the better education for children, but also good medical for old men. For example, as people are sick healthcare services in rural areas, they need regions will make them more appealing places to go to the faraway city to get good treatment, which will be a risk of taking too long to go to the hospital. Therefore, I firmly believe that good education live (rewrote sentence structure and hospitals will attract people live here.phrasing).
8 思维导图
- Financial Assistance
- Encourage individuals to reside in rural areas
- Government Support
- Agriculture
- Education
- Healthcare facilities
- Urban Centers
- Superior educational opportunities
- Comprehensive medical care
- Rural Areas Challenges
- Long distances for medical treatment
- Time-sensitive emergencies
- Enhancing Services in Rural Regions
- Improve education and healthcare services
9 关键词
| Word | Phonetic Symbol | Part of Speech | English Definition | Simplified Chinese Translation | Sample Sentence |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| compelling | /kəmˈpɛlɪŋ/ | adjective | evoking interest, attention, or admiration in a powerfully irresistible way | 引人注目的 | Amy presents a compelling argument in favor of providing financial assistance. |
| prioritize | /praɪˈɒrɪtaɪz/ | verb | designate or treat (something) as more important than other things | 优先考虑 | I believe that improving education and healthcare facilities should also be prioritized. |
| comprehensive | /ˌkämprəˈhensiv/ | adjective | complete; including all or nearly all elements or aspects of something | 全面的 | Residents enjoy access to comprehensive medical care for the elderly. |
| adequate | /ˈadəkwət/ | adjective | satisfactory or acceptable in quality or quantity | 足够的 | - When individuals in rural areas fall ill, they often must travel long distances to receive adequate treatment. |
| time-sensitive | /taɪmˈsɛnsətɪv/ | adjective | needing to be done or achieved within a particular period of time | 对时间敏感的 | This poses a significant risk due to the time-sensitive nature of certain medical emergencies. |
| enhance | /enˈhans/ | verb | intensify, increase, or further improve the quality, value, or extent of | 提高 | - I am convinced that enhancing educational and healthcare services in rural regions will make them more appealing places to live. |
| appealing | /əˈpilɪŋ/ | adjective | attractive or interesting | 吸引人的 | - Enhancing educational and healthcare services in rural regions will make them more appealing places to live. |
| reside | /rəˈzīd/ | verb | have one's permanent home in a particular place | 居住 | - The financial assistance encourages individuals to reside in rural areas. |
| instance | /ˈinstəns/ | noun | an example or single occurrence of something | 例子 | - For instance, when individuals in rural areas fall ill, they often must travel long distances to receive adequate treatment. |
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