TOEFL TPO -1 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: some students, ages from 14-18, who plan to attend university must begin thinking about what field of study they will enter. some students might be directed into certain fields bye their parents and teachers. Others prefer to make their own choice based on their own interests and feelings. do you believe that secondary school students should be allowed to choose their own field of study at university without being guided by parents and teachers? why?

1. Sub Scores

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 3.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2. Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 22

3. Task completeness

The essay addresses the topic, but it could be improved by considering both sides of the argument (i.e., students choosing their own field of study versus being guided by parents and teachers). The essay mainly focuses on the benefits of parental guidance, while briefly mentioning the opposing viewpoint. To improve the essay, you should provide a more balanced discussion by presenting arguments for both sides and then stating your own opinion.

Example 1: Instead of focusing solely on parental guidance, discuss how allowing students to choose their own field of study can lead to greater motivation and passion for their chosen subject.

Example 2: Mention some potential drawbacks of relying solely on parental guidance, such as parents not being fully aware of their child's interests or aptitudes.

4. Essay structure and organization

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, it could be improved by providing a more balanced discussion in the body paragraphs. The transitions between ideas could also be smoother.

Example 1: In your introduction, briefly mention both sides of the argument before stating your own opinion. This will help set up a more balanced discussion in the body paragraphs.

Example 2: Use transition words or phrases to improve coherence between sentences and paragraphs. For example, you could use "on the other hand" or "however" when discussing opposing viewpoints or contrasting ideas.

5. Grammar

henHen(Checks that a sentence starts with an uppercase letter) it comes to attending university, choosing a major that’s most appropriate for us is an unavoidable event. Some people claim that they prefer to make this essential decision by themselves only. However, I strongly advocate being directed by their parents instead. Students who just graduate from the high school are not necessarily mature enough to decide what’s the best for them, being naive and innocent most of the time. But parents are experienced and wise when they are dealing with these vital problems, giving beneficial advice according to their former experience. For instance, kids who are just 18 years old won’t consider this issue comprehensively. In fact, it’s easy for them to make reckless decisions out of immaturity, choosing aan(Use of 'a' vs. 'an') inappropriate decision because of some insignificant factors like separation of the high school couples and the preference for the certain city culture. Parents, who always visions the future of their children, however, will ignore those unrelated factors and come up with the best career path for their children.

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

Selecting a suitable major for university is a crucial decision that students must face. While some individuals argue that they should make this pivotal choice independently, I firmly believe that guidance from parents is invaluable. Students fresh out of high school may not possess the maturity and foresight required to determine what is best for their future, as they often lack experience and worldly knowledge. Conversely, parents have accumulated wisdom and insight through their own experiences, enabling them to provide valuable advice when addressing such critical matters.

For example, 18-year-old students may not approach this decision with the necessary comprehensive perspective. They could easily make impulsive choices based on immaturity or trivial factors such as maintaining high school relationships or an affinity for a particular city's culture. On the other hand, parents are more likely to envision their children's long-term success and can objectively assess the situation, disregarding irrelevant influences. Consequently, they are better equipped to help their children identify the most advantageous career path. (170 words)

hen it comes to attending university, choosing Selecting a suitable major that’s most appropriate for us for university (revised for clarity and conciseness) is an unavoidable event. Some people claim a crucial decision that students must face. While some individuals argue that they prefer to should make this essential decision by themselves only. However, pivotal choice independently, I strongly advocate being directed by their firmly believe that guidance from parents instead. is invaluable (revised to improve the tone of the sentence). Students who just graduate from the fresh out of high school are may not necessarily mature enough to decide what’s the possess the maturity and foresight required to determine what is best for them, being naive and innocent most of the time. But their future, as they often lack experience and worldly knowledge (revised to enhance clarity). Conversely, parents have accumulated wisdom and insight through their own experiences, enabling them to provide valuable advice when addressing such critical matters (revised for better flow).

For example, 18-year-old students may not approach this decision with the necessary comprehensive perspective (revised for clarity). They could easily make impulsive choices based on immaturity or trivial factors such as maintaining high school relationships or an affinity for a particular city's culture (revised to improve sentence structure). On the other hand, parents are experienced and wise when more likely to envision their children's long-term success and can objectively assess the situation, disregarding irrelevant influences (revised for better flow). Consequently, they are dealing with these vital problems, giving beneficial advice according to their former experience. For instance, kids who are just 18 years old won’t consider this issue comprehensively. In fact, it’s easy for them to make reckless decisions out of immaturity, choosing a inappropriate decision because of some insignificant factors like separation of the high school couples and the preference for the certain city culture. Parents, who always visions the future of their children, however, will ignore those unrelated factors and come up with the best better equipped to help their children identify the most advantageous career path for their children.(revised for clarity and conciseness).

8 Mind Map

1. Selecting a major

   • Crucial decision
   • University life

2. Student independence

   • Maturity
   • Foresight

3. Parental guidance

   • Wisdom
   • Experience

4. High school students' perspective

   • Impulsive choices
   • Trivial factors

5. Parents' perspective

   • Long-term success
   • Objective assessment

6. Irrelevant influences

   • High school relationships
   • City culture

7. Advantages of parental guidance

   • Better decision-making
   • Identifying career paths

8. Conclusion

   • Importance of parental guidance

9 Key Words