TOEFL TPO -1 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: do you think watching a lot of online videos is harmful to children? Why orwhy not?

1. Sub Scores

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.0

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.5

• Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 24

3. Task completeness

The essay does a good job addressing the task by stating the writer's opinion on whether watching online videos is harmful to children or not. However, the essay could be improved by providing more specific examples and evidence to support the viewpoint. Additionally, incorporating Student B's argument into the discussion would make for a more balanced analysis.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Include specific examples of how online videos can negatively impact children's health and cognitive development.

• Address Student B's argument by acknowledging potential benefits of online videos but explaining why they do not outweigh the disadvantages.

Example 1: "Although educational videos about animals and nature can provide valuable information, excessive screen time may lead to poor posture, eye strain, and sleep disturbances in children."

Example 2: "While some online videos may promote learning, it is crucial for parents to monitor their children's screen time and ensure they engage in other activities that foster social interaction, physical exercise, and creativity."

4. Essay structure and organization

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, the organization could be improved by adding topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide readers through the main points.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Add topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph.

• Use transitions between ideas and paragraphs to enhance coherence.

Example 1: Topic sentence for body paragraph: "One major concern with excessive online video consumption is its impact on children's communication skills."

Example 2: Transition between ideas: "In addition to affecting communication skills, excessive screen time also has negative consequences on children's physical health."

5. Grammar

In my opinion, I think watching online videos brings more disadvantages to children. The main reason of that is the videos children watched highly rely on the algorithm created by big technical companies, such as TikTok. The algorithm requires more people'(Unpaired braces, brackets, quotation marks and similar symbols) like to determine which one is the best and can be recommended to the larger audience, causing more entertainment videos shown on social media platforms. These videos easily capture children's attention and make them addicatedabdicated(misspelling), resulting in a nagetivenative(misspelling) impact on their health and critical thinking development for a long run.That That(Missing space between sentences) is why I agree with Andrew, who shares the same viewpoint that watching online videos reduces children's communication skills, and therefore, they have less movement and exercise, which is derimentaldetrimental(misspelling) to their health.

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

In my opinion, excessive consumption of online videos can be detrimental to children's development. The primary concern lies in the fact that the content children are exposed to is largely determined by algorithms developed by major tech companies, such as TikTok. These algorithms prioritize content with higher engagement, leading to a prevalence of entertainment-focused videos on social media platforms. Such videos easily captivate children and foster addiction, which may negatively impact their health and critical thinking abilities in the long run. Consequently, I concur with Andrew's assertion that excessive video consumption hinders children's communication skills and reduces their physical activity, ultimately compromising their overall well-being. (110 words)

In my opinion, I think watching excessive consumption of online videos brings more disadvantages can be detrimental to children. The main reason of that is the videos children watched highly rely children's development (revised for clarity and emphasis on the algorithm created negative effects). The primary concern lies in the fact that the content children are exposed to is largely determined by big technical algorithms developed by major tech companies, such as TikTok. The algorithm requires more people' like TikTok (rephrased for better flow and readability). These algorithms prioritize content with higher engagement, leading to determine which one is the best and can be recommended to the larger audience, causing more entertainment a prevalence of entertainment-focused videos shown on social media platforms. These platforms (clarified the relationship between algorithms and content). Such videos easily capture children's attention captivate children and make them addicated, resulting in a nagetive foster addiction, which may negatively impact on their health and critical thinking development for a abilities in the long run.That is why run (explained the consequences of addictive content). Consequently, I agree concur with Andrew, who shares the same viewpoint Andrew's assertion that watching online videos reduces excessive video consumption hinders children's communication skills, skills and therefore, they have less movement reduces their physical activity, ultimately compromising their overall well-being (summarized the main argument and exercise, which is derimental connected it to their health.Andrew's viewpoint).

Display title: 8 Mind Map

1. Excessive online video consumption
   1.1 Detrimental to children's development
       1.1.1 Algorithm-driven content
           1.1.1.1 Major tech companies (e.g., TikTok)
           1.1.1.2 Prioritize high-engagement content
           1.1.1.3 Entertainment-focused videos
       1.2 Addiction and negative impacts
           1.2.1 Health concerns
           1.2.2 Critical thinking abilities
   2 Andrew's assertion
       2.1 Hindered communication skills
       2.2 Reduced physical activity
       2.3 Compromised overall well-being

Display title: 9 Key Words