TOEFL TPO -1 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: do you believe that secondary school students should be allowed to choose their nown field of study at university without being guided by parents and teachers? why?

1. Sub Scores

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0 Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 27

3. Task Completeness

The essay addresses the task requirements, presenting a clear viewpoint on whether secondary school students should choose their field of study without guidance from parents and teachers. However, there is room for improvement in elaborating on the examples provided and incorporating more varied perspectives.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Provide more specific details about your parents' experiences to strengthen your argument.

• Consider discussing potential drawbacks of relying too heavily on parental or teacher guidance.

Example 1: Instead of saying "my parents, with an economic background, easily found employment," you could write "My parents, both having degrees in economics, secured well-paying jobs within months of graduation."

Example 2: You could add a sentence like "However, it is important to strike a balance between guidance and autonomy to ensure that students ultimately feel fulfilled in their chosen field."

4. Essay Structure and Organization

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. The organization is mostly logical, but transitions between ideas could be improved for better coherence.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Enhance transitions between ideas by using appropriate linking words or phrases.

• Ensure that each paragraph focuses on one main idea with supporting details.

Example 1: Instead of starting the second paragraph with "Despite Andrew's assertion," you could use "While acknowledging Andrew's perspective on personal interests."

Example 2: In the first body paragraph, you could add a sentence like "Moreover, teachers often have extensive knowledge about various fields of study and can provide valuable advice based on students' strengths and weaknesses."

5. Grammar

In the debate over whether students should independently choose their majors, some, like Claire, argue that parental and teacher guidance is essential due to students' limited wisdom. I strongly agreeagree,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) as students often lack the experience and knowledge for such decisions. I also support this viewview,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) considering the valuable experience of teachers and parents. For instance, my parents, with an economic background, easily found employment, while their arts and music-educated peers struggled. Such experiences enrich their insights into career choices.

Despite Andrew's assertion that it's a child's right to choose based on their interests, I maintain that children shouldn't decide alone. While interests matter, passion can fade. For instance, my initial enthusiasm toward philosophy motivated me to be major in itit,(This rule identifies whether commas are missing in a sentence.) even though my parents believe it was aan(Use of 'a' vs. 'an') unreliable choice. However, without my parents’ interference, interest waned after five months. Thus, relying solely on interests for major decisions can be unreliable.

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

In the debate over whether students should independently choose their majors, some, like Claire, argue that parental and teacher guidance is essential due to students' limited wisdom. I strongly agree as students often lack the experience and knowledge for such decisions. I also support this view considering the valuable experience of teachers and parents. For instance, my parents, with an economic background, easily found employment, while their arts and music-educated peers struggled. Such experiences enrich their insights into career choices.

Despite Andrew's assertion that it's a child's right to choose based on their interests, I maintain that children shouldn't decide alone. While interests matter, passion can fade. For instance, my initial enthusiasm toward philosophy motivated me to be major in it even though my parents believe it was a unreliable choice. However, without my parents’ interference, interest waned after five months. Thus, relying solely on interests for major decisions can be unreliable. (157 words)

Revised essay: Display title: 7 Essay Grading

In the debate over whether students should independently choose their majors, some, like Claire, argue that parental and teacher guidance is essential due to students' limited wisdom. wisdom (revised for clarity). I strongly agree as students often lack the experience and knowledge for such decisions. decisions (rephrased for a more natural tone). I also support this view considering the valuable experience of teachers and parents. parents (rephrased to avoid repetition). For instance, my parents, with an economic background, easily found employment, while their arts and music-educated peers struggled. struggled (revised for smoother flow). Such experiences enrich their insights into career choices. choices (rephrased for clarity).

Despite Andrew's assertion that it's a child's right to choose based on their interests, I maintain that children shouldn't decide alone. alone (rephrased for a more natural tone). While interests matter, passion can fade. fade (revised for clarity). For instance, my initial enthusiasm toward philosophy motivated me to be major in it even though my parents believe believed it was a an unreliable choice. choice (corrected grammar and word choice). However, without my parents’ interference, interest waned after five months. months (rephrased for smoother flow). Thus, relying solely on interests for major decisions can be unreliable.unreliable (revised for clarity).

8 Mind Map

1. Introduction

   • Debate on students choosing majors
   • Importance of guidance

2. Students' limited wisdom

   • Lack of experience and knowledge

3. Value of teacher and parental guidance

   • Experience in career choices

4. Personal example

   • Parents with economic background vs arts and music peers

5. Interests vs practicality

   • Passion can fade over time

6. Personal experience with philosophy major

   • Interest waned after five months

7. Importance of considering multiple factors in decision-making

8. Conclusion

   • The need for guidance in choosing majors

9 Key Words

6 Revised Essay

In the debate over whether students should independently choose their majors, some, like Claire, argue that parental and teacher guidance is essential due to students' limited wisdom. I strongly agree as students often lack the experience and knowledge for such decisions. I also support this view considering the valuable experience of teachers and parents. For instance, my parents, with an economic background, easily found employment, while their arts and music-educated peers struggled. Such experiences enrich their insights into career choices.

Despite Andrew's assertion that it's a child's right to choose based on their interests, I maintain that children shouldn't decide alone. While interests matter, passion can fade. For instance, my initial enthusiasm toward philosophy motivated me to major in it even though my parents believe it was an unreliable choice. However, without my parents’ interference, interest waned after five months. Thus, relying solely on interests for major decisions can be unreliable.