TOEFL TPO -1 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: Nowadays, the world is facing a number of pressing environmental problems, and over the next few weeks, we' ll be discussing various innovations that may help solve these problems. To begin our discussion, I' d like you to think of one global environmental problem- - for example, it could be related to water, air, land, climate, biodiversity, energy, or something similar. Then explain what you think would be an effective solution to this problem

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. 预估分数

• 27

3. 任务完成度

你的文章基本上满足了任务要求，但在论述观点时可以更加详细和深入。例如，你可以进一步解释为什么建立更多的动物保护区和提供专家照顾濒危动物是一个有效的解决方案。此外，尝试使用更多具体的例子来支持你的观点。

示例1：为了保护濒危动物，我们可以建立更多的自然保护区，以便为这些动物提供一个安全、无污染的生活环境。这将有助于减缓生物多样性的减少速度。

示例2：政府可以投资培训专家来研究濒危动物的繁殖和生存需求，并制定相应的保护措施。这将有助于确保这些动物能够在适当的环境中繁衍生息。

4. 文章结构与组织

文章整体结构清晰，但可以在段落之间增加过渡句子以使文章更连贯。同时，在引入新观点时，可以使用更明确的主题句来引导读者。

建议1：在段落之间加入过渡句子，例如：“除了建立动物保护区外，我们还可以采取其他措施来保护濒危动物。”

建议2：在引入新观点时使用明确的主题句，例如：“为了解决生物多样性减少的问题，我认为建立更多的动物保护区是一个有效的解决方案。”

5. 语法批改

Kelly contends that the lack of freshwater supply is one of the crucial environmental issues we are confronted with, as this problem can be relieved by enhancing salt-removing techniques. From my perspective, reduced biodiversity is one of the most terrifying ecological problems, which is caused by overfishing, air pollution, overhauntingover haunting(misspelling) and other human activities. Essentially, to slow down the speed of biodiversity decreasing, one effective solution is to build more animal protecting areas and also provide endangered animals with experts to take care of their recreation and subsistence. For example, specialist pay so much attention on giving birth to an endangered species – panda – in Sichuan, China. Consequently, they now become the symbol of China and finally received more babies.

Title: 6 Article Revision

In response to the pressing environmental issues discussed by Kelly and Paul, I believe that the alarming decline in biodiversity poses a significant threat to our planet. This decline is primarily driven by human activities such as overfishing, air pollution, and excessive hunting. To effectively address this issue, we must establish more wildlife protection areas and employ experts dedicated to the conservation and sustenance of endangered species. A prime example of this approach can be seen in Sichuan, China, where specialists have focused their efforts on the successful breeding of the endangered panda population. As a result, pandas have become a symbol of China's conservation efforts and have experienced an increase in numbers. (117 words)

Revised essay: Title: 7 Article Revision

Kelly contends that the lack of freshwater supply is one of the crucial environmental issues we are confronted with, as this problem can be relieved alleviated (revised for clarity) by enhancing salt-removing techniques. From my perspective, reduced biodiversity is one of the most terrifying alarming (revised for a more appropriate adjective) ecological problems, which is caused by overfishing, air pollution, overhaunting excessive hunting (revised for consistency in terminology), and other human activities. Essentially, to slow down the speed rate (revised for clarity) of biodiversity decreasing, decline, one effective solution is to build establish (revised for a more formal term) more animal protecting protection areas and also provide endangered animals with experts to take care of their recreation conservation (revised for a more appropriate term) and subsistence. For example, specialist specialists pay so much great attention on giving birth (revised for a more natural tone) to breeding an endangered species – the panda – in Sichuan, China. Consequently, they now become the symbol of China China's conservation efforts (revised for clarity) and finally received have successfully bred more babies.offspring (revised for a more accurate term).

8 思维导图

- 主题: 生物多样性下降
  - 原因
    - 过度捕捞
    - 空气污染
    - 过度狩猎
  - 解决方案
    - 设立更多野生动植物保护区
    - 雇佣专家致力于保护和维持濒危物种
      - 成功案例: 四川大熊猫保护工作

9 关键词