TOEFL TPO -1 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: new graduates should go to established companies or small start-ups

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 4.5

2. 预估分数

• 28

3. 任务完成度

这篇文章在任务完成度方面表现良好，但仍有改进的空间。首先，文章可以更具体地讨论在大公司和小公司工作的优缺点，例如提供更多关于创业公司可能带来的职业发展机会的信息。此外，尝试引入一些反驳观点并加以反驳，以使论证更加全面和有说服力。

改进示例1：

• 在讨论创业公司的挑战时，可以提到它们可能为员工提供更多的晋升机会和职责扩展，这对于个人成长和职业发展非常有益。

改进示例2：

• 在论述大公司的优势时，可以提到它们通常具有更完善的福利制度和健全的企业文化，这对于新毕业生在职场中适应和稳定非常重要。

4. 文章结构与组织

文章结构方面基本合理，包括引言、正文和结论。然而，在段落组织上还有待改进。每个段落应该集中讨论一个具体的观点，并提供支持细节。此外，段落之间的过渡可以更加自然和流畅。

改进建议1：

• 在讨论大公司和小公司的优缺点时，可以将这两个主题分别放在不同的段落中进行讨论，以使文章结构更加清晰。

改进示例1：

• 将文章分为三个主要部分：第一部分讨论大公司的优势，第二部分讨论创业公司的挑战，第三部分总结并表达自己的观点。

改进建议2：

• 使用更多的过渡词和短语来连接不同观点和段落，以提高文章的连贯性。

改进示例2：

• 在讨论创业公司挑战之后，可以使用过渡词如“然而”或“尽管如此”来引入大公司的优势。

5. 语法批改

I share Kelly’s perspective that working for an established company is a better choice. Compared to small companies, established companies typically offer higher salaries due to their mature business models and increased profits. In a society where the cost of living continues to rise, having a stable and satisfying income is crucial for new graduates to achieve financially independent sooner. Moreover, big companies have the resources to invest in their employees, offering regular job training on various skills such as communication and time management. This training not only benefits graduates in their current roles but also in the long-term success. Conversely, these resources may not be as readily available in small start-ups that are still in the process of establishing their organizational structure. While some may argue that small start-ups offer excitement and energy, they also come with higher risks and uncertainties, including funding challenges, sustainability, and intense market competition. Additionally, the demanding workload and high-pressure environment in start-ups may not be suitable for everyone.

Section Title: Established Companies vs. Small Start-ups for New Graduates

I concur with Kelly's viewpoint that pursuing a career in an established company is a more advantageous option for new graduates. Unlike small enterprises, well-established organizations generally provide higher remuneration due to their mature business models and increased profitability. As the cost of living continues to escalate, securing a stable and gratifying income is essential for recent graduates to attain financial independence expeditiously.

Furthermore, prominent companies possess the means to invest in their workforce by offering comprehensive professional development opportunities, encompassing various skills such as effective communication and time management. This training not only proves beneficial for graduates in their present roles but also contributes to their long-term success. In contrast, such resources may be scarce or non-existent in small start-ups that are still developing their organizational structure.

On the other hand, while some may contend that small start-ups exude an exhilarating and dynamic atmosphere, they also present higher risks and uncertainties. These include funding challenges, sustainability concerns, and fierce market competition. Additionally, the demanding workload and high-pressure environment prevalent in start-ups may not be conducive to every individual's personal growth and well-being. (193 words)

Revised essay: Section Title: Established Companies vs. Small Start-ups for New Graduates (Changed "7 文章批改" to a more relevant and descriptive title)

I share concur with Kelly's viewpoint (Changed "share Kelly’s perspective perspective" to "concur with Kelly's viewpoint" for a more natural tone) that working for pursuing a career in an established company is a better choice. Compared to more advantageous option (Changed "better choice" to "more advantageous option" for clarity) for new graduates. Unlike small companies, established companies typically offer enterprises, well-established organizations generally provide higher salaries remuneration (Changed "salaries" to "remuneration" for variety) due to their mature business models and increased profits. In a society where profitability. As the cost of living continues to rise, having escalate (Changed "rise" to "escalate" for variety), securing a stable and satisfying gratifying income is crucial for new essential for recent graduates to achieve financially independent sooner. Moreover, big attain financial independence expeditiously (Changed "sooner" to "expeditiously" for a more formal tone).

Furthermore, prominent companies have the resources possess the means (Changed "have the resources" to "possess the means" for variety) to invest in their employees, workforce by offering regular job training on comprehensive professional development opportunities, encompassing various skills such as effective communication and time management. This training not only benefits proves beneficial for graduates in their current present roles but also in the contributes to their long-term success. Conversely, these In contrast, such resources may not be as readily available scarce or non-existent in small start-ups that are still in the process of establishing developing their organizational structure.

While On the other hand, while some may argue contend that small start-ups offer exude an exhilarating and dynamic atmosphere (Changed "offer excitement and energy, energy" to "exude an exhilarating and dynamic atmosphere" for variety), they also come with present higher risks and uncertainties, including uncertainties. These include funding challenges, sustainability, and intense sustainability concerns, and fierce market competition. Additionally, the demanding workload and high-pressure environment prevalent in start-ups may not be suitable for everyone.conducive (Changed "suitable" to "conducive") to every individual's personal growth and well-being.

8 思维导图

1. 确立公司 vs 小型创业公司
   - 新毕业生的选择

2. 较高的薪酬
   - 成熟的商业模式和盈利能力

3. 生活成本上升
   - 财务独立的重要性

4. 专业发展机会
   - 投资于员工培训和技能提升

5. 长期成功的贡献
   - 与小型创业公司资源有限相比较

6. 创业公司的挑战和风险
   - 资金、可持续性、市场竞争等问题

7. 高压环境和工作负担问题
   - 对个人成长和健康的影响 

9 关键词