TOEFL TPO -1 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: For the past few decades, people have shown a great interest towards unhealthy cousins and soft drinks. It is said that local shops are highly responsible for this trend and thus, Some individuals think that these outlets should not be permitted to freely sell such scientifically proven detrimental things, whereas others are against. What is your opinion?

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. 预估分数

• 27

3. 任务完成度

虽然你的文章回答了问题，但是在论证方面还有待加强。为了更好地支持你的观点，可以提供更多相关的例子和细节。此外，尝试从不同角度讨论问题，以便更全面地展示你的思考。

改进建议示例：

1. 在讨论快餐对经济的贡献时，可以提供具体的数据和事实来支持观点，例如就业人数或GDP增长。

2. 可以讨论政府如何通过对不健康食品征税来平衡公共健康和经济利益。

4. 文章结构与组织

文章整体结构清晰，包括引言、正文和结论。然而，在段落之间的过渡方面还有待改进。尝试使用过渡词汇和短语来帮助读者更好地理解你的观点。

改进建议示例：

1. 在引入Andy和Jane的观点时，可以使用过渡词汇如“首先”、“其次”，以帮助读者更好地跟踪你的论述。

2. 在讨论不同方面时，可以使用过渡词汇如“此外”、“然而”，以使文章更连贯。

5. 语法批改

In my opinion, unhealthy food should be permitted to be sold. I wholeheartedly support Jane's notion that these foods not only come as a handy option but, but(Detects missing comma before "but") can also contribute to the country's economy by offering job opportunities. I'd add that these foods provide people with good opportunities to relieve stress. By eating unhealthy foods, such as pizza and chips, people are able to immerse themselves in yummy food, which helps them eliminate their depression. For example, whenever I feel stressed out and overwhelmed by academic burden, I would like to buy a hamburger, which can help me lift uplift(gather up (gather)) my emotions. While Andy raises a relevant concern that people are suffering from lots of diseases by eating them, he overlooks the fact that eating unhealthy food aids people in developing a sense of peace, which benefits their mental well-being.

Section Title: 6 Article Revision

In my opinion, unhealthy food should be allowed to be sold, as I concur with Jane's perspective that such foods not only serve as convenient options but also contribute to a country's economy by providing employment opportunities. Furthermore, these foods offer individuals an effective means of stress relief. Indulging in comfort foods like pizza and chips allows people to momentarily escape their worries and alleviate negative emotions. For instance, whenever I experience stress or feel overwhelmed by academic pressures, I find solace in a hamburger, which helps uplift my mood. While Andy's concerns about the health risks associated with consuming unhealthy foods are valid, it is essential to consider the positive impact they have on mental well-being by fostering a sense of comfort and tranquility. (130 words)

In my opinion, unhealthy food should be allowed to be sold (permitted to be sold. changed to allowed for a more natural tone), as I wholeheartedly support concur with Jane's notion perspective that these such foods not only serve as convenient options (come as a handy option changed to serve as convenient options for clarity and natural tone) but can also contribute to the a country's economy by providing employment opportunities (offering job opportunities. I'd add that opportunities changed to providing employment opportunities for a more formal tone). Furthermore, these foods offer individuals an effective means of stress relief (provide people with good opportunities to relieve stress. By eating unhealthy foods, such as stress changed for clarity and conciseness). Indulging in comfort foods like pizza and chips, people are able to chips allows people to momentarily escape their worries and alleviate negative emotions (immerse themselves in yummy food, which helps them eliminate their depression. depression changed for clarity and natural tone). For example, instance, whenever I experience stress or feel overwhelmed by academic pressures (stressed out and overwhelmed by academic burden, burden changed for clarity and natural tone), I would like to buy find solace in a hamburger, which can help me helps uplift my mood (lift up my emotions. emotions changed to uplift my mood for a more natural expression). While Andy Andy's concerns about the health risks associated with consuming unhealthy foods are valid (raises a relevant concern that people are suffering from lots of diseases by eating them, he overlooks them changed for clarity and conciseness), it is essential to consider the fact that positive impact they have on mental well-being by fostering a sense of comfort and tranquility (eating unhealthy food aids people in developing a sense of peace, which benefits their mental well-being.well-being changed for clarity and natural tone).

8 思维导图

1. Unhealthy food
   1.1 Convenience
   1.2 Economic benefits
       1.2.1 Employment opportunities
   1.3 Stress relief
       1.3.1 Comfort foods (e.g., pizza, chips)
       1.3.2 Alleviate negative emotions
   1.4 Mental well-being
       1.4.1 Sense of comfort and tranquility

9 关键词