TOEFL TPO -1 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: whether you agree or disagree with the idea of setting a minimum age for when children can have a mobile phone. explain your opinion?

1. Sub Scores

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.0 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.5 Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2. Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 22 (3.5)

3. Task completeness

The essay does a fair job of addressing the task, but there is room for improvement. The writer takes a clear stance on the issue and provides some supporting arguments, but the elaboration of the viewpoint could be more detailed and specific. Additionally, the language use and grammar could be improved for better clarity.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Provide more specific examples or evidence to support your arguments.

• Improve grammar and sentence structure for better clarity.

Examples:

1. Instead of just mentioning that mobile phones help with emotional intelligence development, provide an example or a study that supports this claim.
2. Revise sentences with grammar errors, such as "When it comes to concern the realm of usage of mobile phones to children" to "When it comes to considering the use of mobile phones by children."

4. Essay structure and organization

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, the organization could be improved by focusing each paragraph on a specific point with supporting details. Transitions between ideas and paragraphs should also be clearer.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Focus each paragraph on one main idea with supporting details.

• Use clear transitions between ideas and paragraphs.

Examples:

1. In the first body paragraph, focus solely on how mobile phones contribute to emotional intelligence development in children. Then, in a separate paragraph, discuss how mobile phones help children gain a sense of identity through networking and sharing.
2. Use transition phrases like "Furthermore" or "On the other hand" to signal shifts in focus between different points within your essay.

5. Grammar

When it comes to concern the realm of usage of mobile phones to children, people’s opinions may greatly differ from one to another. An array of them deem parents should allow children to use the smartphone, however, from my perspective, I firmly disagree with this statement. To begin with, possessing a mobile phone plays a crucial role in the modern society, especially for the young kids. Having a phone gives them access to have a conversation with their close friends, which is beneficial for kids’ emotional intelligence development. Even more, by connecting with others who have a lot of common topics, children are more likely to gain a vast sense of identity through the process of networking and sharing, compared to those kids who are unable to frequently talk with friends via mobile. Thus, allowing children to use the mobile phone will ultimately enhance kidskid's(This rule identifies whether there is a missing apostrophe before an 's'.) comprehensive development. In addition, although restricting holding a phone may contribute to preventing harmful information from the internet, it can also be a downside due to the limited knowledge of the real-time world. Without reaching out information, such as the newest development of technology, children’s imitation and creation are hugely blocked since the only source of their basement of knowledge is their out-of-date textbook.
To put it into a nutshell, parents are supposed to allow kids to use mobile phones as it can enhance kids both mental health and knowledge increasing.

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

The debate surrounding the appropriate age for children to have access to mobile phones is a contentious one, with opinions varying significantly. While some individuals believe that parents should permit their children to use smartphones, I firmly disagree with this notion.

Firstly, mobile phones play a crucial role in modern society, particularly for young children. Possessing a phone enables them to communicate with their close friends, which is beneficial for the development of their emotional intelligence. Furthermore, by connecting with others who share common interests, children are more likely to gain a strong sense of identity through the process of networking and sharing. This is in contrast to those children who are unable to frequently engage with friends via mobile devices. Consequently, allowing children access to mobile phones can ultimately enhance their comprehensive development.

In addition, although restricting access to phones may help prevent exposure to harmful information on the internet, it can also have negative consequences due to limited knowledge of the real-time world. Without access to current information, such as the latest developments in technology, children's innovation and creativity may be hindered since their primary source of knowledge would be outdated textbooks.

In conclusion, parents should consider allowing their children access to mobile phones as it can contribute positively towards both mental health and knowledge acquisition. However, it is essential for parents to establish boundaries and monitor usage in order to ensure that this technology is used responsibly and safely by their children. (250 words)

When it comes to concern the realm of usage of mobile phones to children, people’s The debate surrounding the appropriate age for children to have access to mobile phones is a contentious one, with opinions may greatly differ from one to another. An array of them deem varying significantly (revised for clarity and conciseness). While some individuals believe that parents should allow permit their children to use the smartphone, however, from my perspective, smartphones, I firmly disagree with this statement. notion (rephrased for a more natural tone).

To begin with, possessing a mobile phone plays Firstly, mobile phones play a crucial role in the modern society, especially for the particularly for young kids. Having children. Possessing a phone gives enables them access to have a conversation to communicate with their close friends, friends (revised for better flow), which is beneficial for kids’ the development of their emotional intelligence development. Even more, intelligence. Furthermore, by connecting with others who have a lot of share common topics, interests, children are more likely to gain a vast strong sense of identity through the process of networking and sharing, compared sharing (rephrased for clarity). This is in contrast to those kids children who are unable to frequently talk engage with friends via mobile. Thus, mobile devices. Consequently, allowing children to use the mobile phone will access to mobile phones can ultimately enhance kids their comprehensive development. development (revised for improved readability).

In addition, although restricting holding a phone access to phones may contribute to preventing help prevent exposure to harmful information from the internet, on the internet (rephrased for clarity), it can also be a downside have negative consequences due to the limited knowledge of the real-time world. Without reaching out access to current information, such as the newest development of latest developments in technology, children’s imitation and creation are hugely blocked children's innovation and creativity may be hindered since the only their primary source of their basement of knowledge is their out-of-date textbook. would be outdated textbooks (revised for better flow).

To put it into a nutshell, In conclusion, parents are supposed to allow kids to use should consider allowing their children access to mobile phones as it can enhance kids contribute positively towards both mental health and knowledge increasing.acquisition (rephrased for a more natural tone). However, it is essential for parents to establish boundaries and monitor usage in order to ensure that this technology is used responsibly and safely by their children (added emphasis on parental responsibility).

8 Mind Map

1. Introduction

   • Debate on appropriate age for mobile phone access
   • Disagreement with unrestricted access

2. Emotional intelligence development

   • Communication with friends
   • Networking and sharing

3. Sense of identity

   • Connection with like-minded individuals
   • Contrast with limited engagement

4. Comprehensive development

   • Benefits of mobile phone access

5. Knowledge acquisition

   • Exposure to real-time information
   • Importance of staying updated

6. Innovation and creativity

   • Access to latest technology developments
   • Limitations of outdated textbooks

7. Parental involvement

   • Establishing boundaries
   • Monitoring usage

8. Conclusion

   • Positive contributions of mobile phone access
   • Importance of responsible and safe usage

9 Key Words