TOEFL TPO -1 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: What do you think should be included in the curriculum? Why?

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 3.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 3.0

2. 预估分数

• 20

3. 任务完成度

根据托福iBT写作评分标准，你的文章在任务完成度方面表现一般。首先，文章没有明确地回答问题，即应该包括哪些课程以及为什么。其次，你的观点没有得到充分的支持和详细的解释。建议你在写作时更加关注问题的具体要求，并尝试提供更多相关的例子和细节来支持你的观点。

示例1（改进前）：As for me, when I was a kid, my mom required me to learn paint, but I was indifferent in it, so I just wastes time every class. 示例1（改进后）：For example, when I was a child, my mother encouraged me to learn painting. However, since I had no interest in it, attending those classes felt like a waste of time.

示例2（改进前）：Thus, I suggest school can take some art curriculum and let children to choose. 示例2（改进后）：Therefore, I propose that schools should offer a variety of art courses and allow students to select the ones they are genuinely interested in.

4. 文章结构与组织

从组织结构方面看，你的文章结构不够清晰。虽然有简单的引言、主体和结论，但每个段落的焦点和支持细节不够明确。此外，段落之间的过渡也不够流畅。建议你在写作时更加关注文章的结构和逻辑，并使用恰当的过渡词汇来连接不同的观点和段落。

示例1（改进前）：As perspective, I think children don't need to be included in the curriculum, because of the next two reasons. 示例1（改进后）：From my perspective, I believe that art and music courses should not be mandatory in the curriculum for the following two reasons.

示例2（改进前）：These knowledge is everyone need to learn. 示例2（改进后）：This foundational knowledge is essential for every student to acquire.

5. 语法批改

As perspective, I think children don't need to be included in the curriculum, because of the next two reasons. Firstly ,,(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) like you are saying, children have the limited time in the school and, and(comma between independent clauses) they must tomust('must to' instead of 'have to') be required to learn math ,,(Use of whitespace before comma and before/after parentheses) reading, science and history. These knowledgeThis knowledge('this' vs. 'these') is everyone need to learn. They are more important so that school need to assign them first in the limit time. Secondly, although it is better for children to learn some art curriculum, I think not every childrenall children('each' or 'every' with plural nouns) are interested in them. As for me, when I was a kid, my mom required me to learn paint, but I was indifferent in it, so I just wasteswaste(Agreement error: Third-person verb with a non-third-person pronoun) time every class. Thus, I suggest school can take some art curriculum and let children to choosechoose(Don't let any negativity to affect (affect) you). Maybe it is a better way to develop children's creative.

Section Title: 6 Article Revision

In my opinion, the curriculum should prioritize traditional subjects such as math, reading, science, and history due to two main reasons. First, as mentioned earlier, children have limited time in school and must acquire foundational knowledge in these essential subjects. Allocating sufficient time for these core areas ensures that students develop a strong academic foundation. Second, while exposure to arts education is undoubtedly beneficial, not all children share the same interests or aptitudes in these areas. For instance, my personal experience with painting as a child was unproductive due to my lack of interest. Therefore, I propose that schools offer optional art courses allowing students to choose based on their preferences and talents. This approach could potentially foster creativity more effectively by catering to individual needs and inclinations. (133 words)

As perspective, I think children don't need to be included in In my opinion (revised for clarity and natural tone), the curriculum, because of the next curriculum should prioritize traditional subjects such as math, reading, science, and history due to two reasons. Firstly main reasons (rephrased for better flow). First, as mentioned earlier (revised for a more natural tone), like you are saying, children have the limited time in school and must acquire foundational knowledge in these essential subjects (rephrased for clarity). Allocating sufficient time for these core areas ensures that students develop a strong academic foundation (revised for better flow). Second, while exposure to arts education is undoubtedly beneficial (rephrased for a more natural tone), not all children share the school and they must to be required to learn math , reading, science and history. These knowledge is everyone need to learn. They are same interests or aptitudes in these areas (revised for clarity). For instance, my personal experience with painting as a child was unproductive due to my lack of interest (rephrased for better flow). Therefore, I propose that schools offer optional art courses allowing students to choose based on their preferences and talents (revised for clarity and natural tone). This approach could potentially foster creativity more important so that school need to assign them first in the limit time. Secondly, although it is better for children to learn some art curriculum, I think not every children are interested in them. As for me, when I was a kid, my mom required me to learn paint, but I was indifferent in it, so I just wastes time every class. Thus, I suggest school can take some art curriculum and let children to choose. Maybe it is a better way to develop children's creative.effectively by catering to individual needs and inclinations (rephrased for better flow).

Display title: 8 思维导图

1. 课程设置
   - 优先考虑传统学科
     - 数学
     - 阅读
     - 科学
     - 历史

2. 主要原因
   - 有限的学校时间
     - 建立基础知识
   - 不同兴趣和才能

3. 艺术教育的重要性
   - 可选择性艺术课程

4. 个性化教育方法
   - 根据兴趣和才能选择课程

Display title: 9 关键词

Section Title: 6 Article Revision

In my opinion, the curriculum should prioritize traditional subjects such as math, reading, science, and history due to two main reasons. First, as mentioned earlier, children have limited time in school and must acquire foundational knowledge in these essential subjects. Allocating sufficient time for these core areas ensures that students develop a strong academic foundation. Second, while exposure to arts education is undoubtedly beneficial, not all children share the same interests or aptitudes in these areas. For instance, my personal experience with painting as a child was unproductive due to my lack of interest. Therefore, I propose that schools offer optional art courses allowing students to choose based on their preferences and talents. This approach could potentially foster creativity more effectively by catering to individual needs and inclinations.