TOEFL TPO -1 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: are differences between people from different countries increasing, or are they diminishing? Why?

1. Sub Scores:

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 3.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.0 Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. Estimated Scores:

Estimated Score: 22

3. Task completeness:

The essay does address the question of whether differences between people from different countries are increasing or diminishing, but it could benefit from a clearer focus on the reasons for the chosen viewpoint. The essay also needs more elaboration on each point, with specific examples or details to support the argument.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Clearly state your viewpoint in the introduction, explaining why you believe differences are increasing.

• Provide more specific examples and details to support your argument.

• Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single idea and supports your overall viewpoint.

Examples:

1. "I believe that differences between people from different countries are increasing due to globalization, which leads to cultural fusion and creates new identities."

2. "As climate change becomes a global challenge, people from various countries must work together to find solutions, leading to increased cooperation and shared responsibility."

4. Essay structure and organization:

The essay has a basic structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, it could be improved by having clearer transitions between ideas and paragraphs.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Begin each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that relates back to your main argument.

• Use transition words or phrases to guide the reader through your essay.

• Ensure that each paragraph focuses on one main idea with supporting details.

Examples:

1. "Firstly, globalization is spreading throughout the world, leading to increased cultural exchange and fusion."

2. "In addition to globalization, global challenges such as climate change require people from different countries to collaborate in order to find solutions."

5. Grammar

The differences between people are increasing or decreasing, which is a controversial topic. From my perspective, the differences between people are increasing, and there are two reasons. Firstly, globalization is spreading throughout the world. Diversity cultures can easily exchange their various cultural backgrounds. Thus, different cultures’ elements blend together and foster cultural fusion. It produces a new identity for culture. For example, Korean popular music combines with hip-hop music. Secondly, there are many kinds of global challenges. Nowadays, we are encountering serious climate change. All places on earth are facing extreme weather. As such, people have to share the responsibility together. For instance, people around the world start to adopt eco-friendly fuels, and they also hold a climate summit to discuss sustainable development for the earth.

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

The question of whether differences between people from different countries are increasing or diminishing is a subject of ongoing debate. In my opinion, these differences are indeed increasing, and there are two primary reasons for this. First, globalization has led to the widespread dissemination of diverse cultures, enabling individuals from various backgrounds to easily exchange their unique cultural elements. Consequently, this blending of distinct cultural aspects gives rise to cultural fusion and generates new identities within cultures. A prime example of this phenomenon is the integration of Korean popular music with hip-hop.

Secondly, the world is currently grappling with numerous global challenges that necessitate collective action. One such pressing issue is climate change, which has resulted in extreme weather conditions across the globe. As a result, people must work together and share responsibility in addressing these challenges. For instance, individuals worldwide have begun adopting eco-friendly fuels and participating in climate summits to discuss sustainable development strategies for our planet. (164 words)

Display title: 6 Revised Essay

The question of whether differences between people from different countries are increasing or decreasing, which diminishing is a controversial topic. From subject of ongoing debate (revised for clarity and natural tone). In my perspective, the opinion, these differences between people are indeed increasing, and there are two reasons. Firstly, primary reasons for this. First, globalization is spreading throughout the world. Diversity cultures can has led to the widespread dissemination (revised for accuracy) of diverse cultures, enabling individuals from various backgrounds to easily exchange their various unique cultural backgrounds. Thus, different cultures’ elements blend together and foster (revised for natural tone). Consequently, this blending of distinct cultural fusion. It produces a aspects gives rise to cultural fusion and generates new identity for culture. For example, identities within cultures (revised for clarity). A prime example of this phenomenon is the integration of Korean popular music combines with hip-hop music. (revised for natural tone).

Secondly, there are many kinds of the world is currently grappling with numerous global challenges. Nowadays, we are encountering serious challenges that necessitate collective action (revised for clarity and natural tone). One such pressing issue is climate change. All places on earth are facing change, which has resulted in extreme weather. weather conditions across the globe (revised for natural tone). As such, a result, people have to must work together and share the responsibility together. in addressing these challenges (revised for clarity). For instance, people around the world start to adopt individuals worldwide have begun adopting eco-friendly fuels, and they also hold a fuels and participating in climate summit summits to discuss sustainable development for the earth.strategies for our planet (revised for natural tone and clarity).

8 Mind Map

1. Introduction

   • Debate on differences between people from different countries
   • Opinion: Differences are increasing

2. Globalization

   • Widespread dissemination of diverse cultures
   • Exchange of unique cultural elements
   • Cultural fusion and new identities
   • Example: Integration of Korean popular music with hip-hop

3. Global challenges

   • Necessity for collective action
   • Climate change and extreme weather conditions
   • Shared responsibility in addressing challenges
   • Example: Adoption of eco-friendly fuels and participation in climate summits

9 Key Words