TOEFL TPO -1 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: To tell a story of how/why you relate to an author’s experience(s). This piece combines summary and narrative elements. Please choose one of the following essays: “Mother Tongue” by Amy Tan OR "Graduation Download "Graduation" by Maya Angelou Download " by Maya Angelou The goal is to first summarize the most important elements of your chosen essay in one paragraph, and then respond to the essay through a personal narrative in which you relate to something described in the source piece by telling a story from your own life. You must include: 1 paragraph summarizing the essential components in your selected source piece (this will be mostly in the 3rd person). This shall include: The summary itself. Be concise and report the main ideas from text, attributing them to the author. One or two closing sentences transitioning to the next. Explain to your reader how you relate to the author’s experience, and provide either hints or a quick overview of what story you are going to tell. Note: depending on the specifics of your story and how your text flows, you may choose to place these sentences on a separate paragraph. This is your choice. 3 or more 1st person paragraphs in which you tell a story that includes: Actions Descriptions Sensory details Moments "in-scene" as well as exposition Reflection Some kind of conclusion or closure SKILLS The purpose of this assignment is to provide a place for you to practice the following skills: - Summarizing - Paraphrasing - Telling a relevant story about yourself - Providing details and examples - Making connections KNOWLEDGE This assignment will also help you become more familiar with important elements of writing, such as: - Main Ideas - Audience - Narrative Arc - Concrete Detail Audience: Your paper will be aimed written for your fellow classmates. Length: 1200 words

1. Sub Scores

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0 Language Use and Grammar: 4.0

2. Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 27

3. Task completeness

The essay does a good job of summarizing Maya Angelou's "Graduation" and connecting it to a personal narrative. However, the summary could be more concise, focusing on the main ideas from the text. Additionally, the personal narrative could benefit from more reflection on how it relates to Angelou's experience and the concept of graduation.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Make the summary paragraph more concise by focusing on key points from Angelou's essay.

• Include more reflection in your personal narrative, explaining how your experience connects to Angelou's story and the theme of graduation.

Examples:

1. In your summary paragraph, you could write: "In Maya Angelou's 'Graduation,' she recounts her experience at her own graduation ceremony, where she gains a newfound sense of pride in her race despite facing discrimination."

2. In your personal narrative, add a sentence like: "Similar to Angelou's realization about her own strength during her graduation ceremony, my grandmother's passing taught me about resilience and embracing new beginnings."

4. Essay structure and organization

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, transitions between paragraphs could be improved for better flow.

Suggestions for improvement:

• Add clear transitions between paragraphs to guide readers through your ideas.

• Ensure that each paragraph focuses on one specific point with supporting details.

Examples:

1. Add a transition sentence at the end of your summary paragraph like: "While my experience may differ from Angelou's, I too have learned valuable lessons through my own 'graduation' moment."

2. In your personal narrative section, ensure each paragraph focuses on one aspect of your story, such as your relationship with your grandmother, her passing, and the lessons you learned from her.

5. Grammar

Graduation, almost a milestone everyone must pass in their lives, represents the end of a phase and symbolizes a new beginning, marking the commencement of a new journey. The term "graduation" is not only a formal recognition of academic completion, but it can also signify the conclusion of an experience, the endpoint of encounters between individuals, and even the end of life, along with the transformation of old thoughts.

In Maya Angelou's essay "Graduation," she describes the transformation of her thoughts during her graduation ceremony. She became more firm in her pride and confidence in her own race, even though they were in a disadvantaged community at that time. Despite the unfavorable environment, it did not diminish her love for herself. In her graduation ceremony, I saw not only a milestone in her academic achievement but also the growth of her thoughts.

For me, graduation signifies the beginning and end of every encounter in life. My childhood was full of the cycle of life and death, but I, in the midst of it, breathed time and time again, surviving through.

Soon after my birth, my parents, due to work reasons, sent me to my grandmother's house. My grandmother was the warmest home for me at that time. I often followed behind her, curiously asking where we were going. She would always respond with a warm smile and then take my small hand, leading me through various streets and shops.

At the end of her life, I was studying in another city. Every week, I spent three to four hours going home to see her because I was uncertain which day would be our parting day. Whenever I returned home, I would sit quietly by her bedside. My hand would inevitably try to feel if her nose was still breathing. I watched her breathing slow down as if time were about to stop. I held her hand, feeling the last warmth, the slightly cold body temperature, and the wrist so thin and delicate, like pale clouds, weightless hands that seemed to be blown away by the wind at any moment. These hands, which I clearly remember, were once a powerful presence guiding me everywhere. I remember their former thickness and rosy hue, but now, there is no longer the vitality of life.

At her graduation ceremony of life, bouquets of flowers filled the room. People in black surrounded us, and we, dressed in white, knelt on the ground, waiting for the red flames to welcome my grandmother, with warmth like a banquet. The flames passionately melted her body. It was a clear and sunny day, and the gray smoke rose into the air, welcoming the beginning of her new life. I shed tears of joy for her.

Having participated in this ceremony, a new seed was planted within my small frame. I know it was just the cessation of a heartbeat, and she will always be in my memories, supporting and embracing me gently, just as she has always done. The encounters between people are just processes, and there will always be the endpoint of relationships. However, every ending brings a new beginning. Graduation is not the conclusion of life but the sprouting of new hope.

Title: 6 Revised Essay

Graduation: A Transformation of Thoughts and Encounters

Graduation is a significant milestone in everyone's life, symbolizing the end of one phase and the beginning of another. It represents not only the formal recognition of academic completion but also the conclusion of experiences, relationships, and even life itself. Graduations mark transformations in thoughts and perspectives.

In Maya Angelou's essay "Graduation," she recounts her own graduation ceremony and how it transformed her thoughts about her identity and race. Despite living in a disadvantaged community at that time, Angelou's pride and confidence in her race grew stronger during the ceremony. Her graduation marked not only an academic achievement but also a personal growth in self-awareness.

Similarly, I view graduation as both an ending and a beginning for various encounters in life. My childhood was filled with cycles of life and death, each experience shaping my understanding of beginnings and endings. One such encounter was with my grandmother, who played a significant role in my upbringing.

Due to my parents' work commitments, I spent much of my early years at my grandmother's house. She provided warmth and guidance during that time, leading me through various streets and shops while holding my small hand. Our relationship was strong; however, as time passed, our roles began to reverse.

As my grandmother approached the end of her life, I found myself traveling hours each week to visit her at home. Sitting by her bedside, I would quietly observe her slowing breaths while holding her frail hand – a stark contrast to the once-strong grip that guided me through childhood adventures. Her hands had lost their former vitality but remained etched in my memory.

When it came time for my grandmother's "graduation" from life, we held a ceremony filled with flowers and surrounded by loved ones dressed in black. As we knelt on the ground wearing white garments, we watched red flames engulf her body – a passionate and warm farewell. The smoke rose into the clear, sunny sky, symbolizing the beginning of her new journey. Though tears were shed, they were tears of joy for her transformation.

This experience planted a new seed within me, teaching me that every ending brings a new beginning. Although my grandmother's heartbeat had ceased, her presence would continue to support and embrace me through memories. Encounters between people are processes with endpoints, but each conclusion gives rise to fresh hope and possibilities.

Graduation serves as a reminder that life is full of transformations – in thoughts, relationships, and experiences. As we move through these cycles of beginnings and endings, we grow and evolve both personally and collectively. Embracing these transitions allows us to appreciate the value of each encounter and look forward to the opportunities that lie ahead. (461 words)

Graduation, almost a Graduation: A Transformation of Thoughts and Encounters

Graduation is a significant milestone everyone must pass in their lives, in everyone's life, symbolizing the end of one phase and the beginning of another (clarifies the importance of graduation). It represents the end of a phase and symbolizes a new beginning, marking the commencement of a new journey. The term "graduation" is not only a the formal recognition of academic completion, completion but it can also signify the conclusion of an experience, the endpoint of encounters between individuals, experiences, relationships, and even the end of life, along with the transformation of old thoughts. life itself (expands on different aspects of graduation). Graduations mark transformations in thoughts and perspectives.

In Maya Angelou's essay "Graduation," she describes the transformation of recounts her own graduation ceremony and how it transformed her thoughts during her graduation ceremony. She became more firm in her pride and confidence in her own race, even though they were about her identity and race (provides context for Angelou's essay). Despite living in a disadvantaged community at that time. Despite the unfavorable environment, it did not diminish her love for herself. In her time, Angelou's pride and confidence in her race grew stronger during the ceremony (explains Angelou's transformation). Her graduation ceremony, I saw marked not only a milestone in her an academic achievement but also the a personal growth of her thoughts. ¶ For me, in self-awareness (connects to broader theme).

Similarly, I view graduation signifies the as both an ending and a beginning and end of every encounter in life. for various encounters in life (relates personal perspective to theme). My childhood was full of the cycle filled with cycles of life and death, but I, in the midst of it, breathed time and time again, surviving through. ¶ Soon after my birth, my parents, due to each experience shaping my understanding of beginnings and endings (provides context for personal experiences). One such encounter was with my grandmother, who played a significant role in my upbringing (introduces grandmother).

Due to my parents' work reasons, sent me to commitments, I spent much of my early years at my grandmother's house. My grandmother was the warmest home house (explains reason for me at close relationship). She provided warmth and guidance during that time. I often followed behind her, curiously asking where we were going. She would always respond with a warm smile and then take my small hand, time, leading me through various streets and shops. ¶ At shops while holding my small hand (describes relationship with grandmother). Our relationship was strong; however, as time passed, our roles began to reverse (introduces change).

As my grandmother approached the end of her life, I was studying in another city. Every week, I spent three to four found myself traveling hours going each week to visit her at home to see her because I was uncertain which day would be our parting day. Whenever I returned home, (describes new role). Sitting by her bedside, I would sit quietly by her bedside. My observe her slowing breaths while holding her frail hand would inevitably try to feel if her nose was still breathing. I watched her breathing slow down as if time were about to stop. I held her hand, feeling the last warmth, the slightly cold body temperature, and the wrist so thin and delicate, like pale clouds, weightless – a stark contrast to the once-strong grip that guided me through childhood adventures (compares past and present). Her hands that seemed to be blown away by the wind at any moment. These hands, which I clearly remember, were once a powerful presence guiding me everywhere. I remember had lost their former thickness and rosy hue, vitality but now, there is no longer the vitality of life. ¶ At her graduation remained etched in my memory (emphasizes lasting impact).

When it came time for my grandmother's "graduation" from life, we held a ceremony of life, bouquets of filled with flowers filled the room. People and surrounded by loved ones dressed in black surrounded us, and we, dressed in white, (describes ceremony). As we knelt on the ground, waiting for the ground wearing white garments, we watched red flames to welcome my grandmother, with warmth like a banquet. engulf her body – a passionate and warm farewell (provides vivid imagery). The flames passionately melted her body. It was a clear and sunny day, and the gray smoke rose into the air, welcoming clear, sunny sky, symbolizing the beginning of her new life. I shed journey (connects to theme of transformation). Though tears were shed, they were tears of joy for her. ¶ Having participated in this ceremony, her transformation (emphasizes positive aspect).

This experience planted a new seed was planted within my small frame. I know it was just the cessation of a heartbeat, and she will always be in my memories, supporting and embracing me, teaching me gently, just as she has always done. The encounters that every ending brings a new beginning (relates personal growth to theme). Although my grandmother's heartbeat had ceased, her presence would continue to support and embrace me through memories (acknowledges lasting impact). Encounters between people are just processes, and there will always be the endpoint of relationships. However, every ending brings a new beginning. processes with endpoints, but each conclusion gives rise to fresh hope and possibilities (reiterates theme).

Graduation serves as a reminder that life is not the conclusion of life but the sprouting of new hope.full of transformations – in thoughts, relationships, and experiences (summarizes main idea). As we move through these cycles of beginnings and endings, we grow and evolve both personally and collectively (expands on the concept of growth). Embracing these transitions allows us to appreciate the value of each encounter and look forward to the opportunities that lie ahead (concludes with a positive outlook).

8 Mind Map

1. Graduation

   • Milestone
   • End of a phase
   • Beginning of another

2. Maya Angelou's Essay

   • Graduation ceremony
   • Transformation of thoughts
   • Identity and race

3. Encounters in Life

   • Childhood experiences
   • Life and death cycles

4. Relationship with Grandmother

   • Early years upbringing
   • Role reversal over time

5. Grandmother's Passing

   • Ceremony and farewell
   • Symbolism of transformation

6. New Beginnings

   • Learning from endings
   • Fresh hope and possibilities

7. Graduation as a Reminder

   • Life transformations
   • Personal and collective growth

8. Embracing Transitions

   • Appreciating encounters
   • Looking forward to opportunities

9 Key Words