TOEFL TPO -1 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: What do you think is the most significant effect that watching television has on people? Why do you think television has this effect?

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.0

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.5

• Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2. 预估分数

22. 3 任务完成度

这篇文章在回答问题方面做得还不错，但有一些地方需要改进。首先，你的观点主要集中在电视对人们健康的负面影响上，但没有涉及到其他可能的影响。其次，在论述观点时，你可以使用更多具体的例子和细节来支持你的观点。此外，文章中有一些语法错误和用词不当的地方。

改进建议示例：

1. 在论述电视对人们健康的负面影响时，可以加入关于电视节目内容对心理健康影响的讨论。

2. 使用更多具体的例子和细节来支持你的观点，例如引用研究报告或数据来证明电视观看与肥胖、近视等问题之间的关系。

4. 文章结构与组织

文章结构方面还有待提高。虽然文章包含了简短的引言、主体和结论部分，但主体部分并没有很好地组织各个论点。另外，在段落之间缺乏明确的过渡，使得文章的流畅性受到影响。

改进建议示例：

1. 在主体部分，可以将不同的论点分成不同的段落，并在每个段落中使用具体的例子和细节来支持观点。

2. 在段落之间加入过渡词或短语，如“此外”、“然而”等，以提高文章的连贯性和流畅性。

5. 语法批改

In my opinion, I think watching television brings negative effects to people. It is harmful to our health. To be specific, watching television requires us to keep our eyeeyes focused on the screen. This is extremely detrimental to our eyes. Our eyes wouldwill thus become nearsighted and can nearlybarely see nothing clearly. Despite the damage onto our eyes, it also torturesharms our immune system. To illustrate this, if we need to watch television, we need to stay in a single place for a very long time. This would occupiedwill occupy our time offor exercise. Too little exercise certainly brings negative effects to our immune system. From a survaysurvey in 2020, most people who waswere killed by COVID-19 doesn'tdidn't exercise much. This caused their immune system becamesystems to become worse, and thus they became more easily to fall ill.illness.

Section Title: 6 Article Revision

In my perspective, the most significant effect of watching television on people is its detrimental impact on their health. Specifically, prolonged exposure to screens can lead to vision problems, such as nearsightedness, as our eyes constantly strain to focus on the images. Additionally, television viewing often results in a sedentary lifestyle, which can weaken our immune system. For instance, spending excessive time in front of the TV reduces opportunities for physical activity and exercise. A lack of exercise has been linked to compromised immunity; a 2020 survey revealed that individuals with weaker immune systems due to insufficient physical activity were more susceptible to severe illness from COVID-19. (112 words)

In my opinion, I think perspective, the most significant effect of watching television brings negative effects on people is its detrimental impact on their health (revised for clarity and conciseness). Specifically, prolonged exposure to people. It is harmful screens can lead to vision problems, such as nearsightedness (clarified the issue), as our health. To be specific, watching television requires us eyes constantly strain to keep our eye focused focus on the screen. This is extremely detrimental to our eyes. Our eyes would thus become nearsighted and images (simplified for readability). Additionally, television viewing often results in a sedentary lifestyle (rephrased for clarity), which can nearly see nothing clearly. Despite the damage on eyes, it also tortures weaken our immune system. To illustrate this, if we need system (added connection to watch television, we need the immune system). For instance, spending excessive time in front of the TV reduces opportunities for physical activity and exercise (clarified the relationship between TV and exercise). A lack of exercise has been linked to stay in compromised immunity; a single place for a very long time. This would occupied our time of exercise. Too little exercise certainly brings negative effects 2020 survey revealed that individuals with weaker immune systems due to our immune system. From a survay in 2020, most people who was killed by insufficient physical activity were more susceptible to severe illness from COVID-19 doesn't exercise much. This caused their immune system became worse, (provided evidence and thus they became more easily connected it to fall ill.the main point).

Title: 8 思维导图

1. Essay Structure
   1.1 Introduction
       1.1.1 Detrimental impact on health
   1.2 Vision problems
       1.2.1 Nearsightedness
       1.2.2 Eye strain
   1.3 Sedentary lifestyle
       1.3.1 Weakened immune system
       1.3.2 Reduced physical activity
   1.4 Lack of exercise and immunity
       1.4.1 Compromised immunity
       1.4.2 COVID-19 susceptibility 
   1.5 Conclusion

Title: 9 关键词