TOEFL TPO -1 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: While both Paul and Kelly present valid points, I believe that new courses, such as computer science and business management, should be included in the curriculum of public schools. It is important to remember that their are new kinds of jobs and machines replacing some old ones, so learning new curriculum plays a vital role in determining the if you can get a success career or not. By offering new courses, school can ensure that their students keep up with the modern society, which in turn will let them have better chances applying for a better job. Although Kelly highlights the importance of the fundamental requirements haven't changed, and students can learn new courses by watching videos online, she fails to consider that most courses online may have regarding their accuracy but focusing on gaining popularity. In such cases, watching instructive videos online may brought inaccuracy knowledges to students and let them be hard for applying for jobs that requires new technologies or courses. Therefore, introducing new curriculums can prove to be a better way of teaching students than maintaining the traditional courses.

1. Sub Scores

Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.5 Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 4.0 Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2. Estimated Scores

Estimated Score: 25

3. Task completeness

The essay does a good job of addressing the specific requirements of the task, as it expresses an opinion and contributes to the discussion. However, there are some areas that could be improved. Firstly, the essay contains a few grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that make it difficult to understand in some parts. Secondly, while the essay presents a clear viewpoint, it could benefit from more detailed elaboration and stronger examples to support the argument.

Example 1: Original sentence: "It is important to remember that their are new kinds of jobs and machines replacing some old ones, so learning new curriculum plays a vital role in determining the if you can get a success career or not." Improved sentence: "It is important to remember that there are new types of jobs emerging as machines replace older ones; therefore, learning a modern curriculum plays a vital role in determining whether one can have a successful career."

Example 2: Original sentence: "In such cases, watching instructive videos online may brought inaccuracy knowledges to students and let them be hard for applying for jobs that requires new technologies or courses." Improved sentence: "In such cases, watching instructional videos online may lead students to acquire inaccurate knowledge, making it difficult for them to apply for jobs requiring expertise in new technologies or subjects."

4. Essay structure and organization

The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion. However, there is room for improvement in terms of organization and transitions between ideas and paragraphs.

Suggestion 1: Include topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to clearly state the main point being discussed.

Example: Original paragraph: "Although Kelly highlights the importance of the fundamental requirements haven't changed, and students can learn new courses by watching videos online, she fails to consider that most courses online may have regarding their accuracy but focusing on gaining popularity." Improved paragraph: "While Kelly argues that fundamental requirements have not changed and students can learn new subjects through online videos, she overlooks the potential issues with the accuracy of these online resources, which may prioritize popularity over quality."

Suggestion 2: Improve transitions between ideas and paragraphs to create a more cohesive essay.

Example: Original transition: "By offering new courses, school can ensure that their students keep up with the modern society, which in turn will let them have better chances applying for a better job." Improved transition: "By offering new courses, schools can ensure that their students keep up with modern society. As a result, students will have better chances of securing well-paying jobs in today's competitive market."

5. Grammar

While both Paul and Kelly present valid points, I believe that new courses, such as computer science and business management, should be included in the curriculum of public schools. It is important to remember that theirthere(Detects potentially wrong usage of "their") are new kinds of jobs and machines replacing some old ones, so learning new curriculum plays a vital role in determining the[No Replacement Word Found](the and) if you can get a success career or not. By offering new courses, school can ensure that their students keep up with the modern society, which in turn will let them have better chances applying for a better job. Although Kelly highlights the importance of the fundamental requirements haven't changed, and students can learn new courses by watching videos online, she fails to consider that most courses online may have regarding their accuracy but focusing on gaining popularity. In such cases, watching instructive videos online may broughtbring(Non-infinitive verb after modal verbs) inaccuracy knowledgesknowledge(misspelling) to students and let them be hard for applying for jobs that requiresrequire(Do not believe any ratings that is (are) less than 5 stars) new technologies or courses. Therefore, introducing new curriculums can prove to be a better way of teaching students than maintaining the traditional courses.

Title: 6 Revised Essay

While both Paul and Kelly present valid points, I believe that incorporating new courses, such as computer science and business management, into the curriculum of public schools is essential. It is crucial to acknowledge the emergence of new job opportunities and the replacement of traditional roles by innovative technologies. Consequently, adapting the curriculum to these changes plays a pivotal role in determining students' future success. By offering contemporary courses, schools can ensure their students remain competitive in an evolving society, ultimately enhancing their prospects for securing desirable employment.

Although Kelly emphasizes the unchanging nature of fundamental educational requirements and suggests that students can acquire new skills through online resources, she overlooks potential issues with the accuracy and reliability of such content. In some instances, online instructional videos may prioritize popularity over accuracy, leading to misinformation and hindering students' ability to apply for jobs requiring expertise in cutting-edge technologies or subjects. Therefore, introducing updated curricula proves to be a more effective approach to educating students than solely relying on traditional coursework. (174 words)

While both Paul and Kelly present valid points, I believe that incorporating new courses, courses (revised for clarity), such as computer science and business management, should be included in into the curriculum of public schools. schools is essential (revised for a more formal tone). It is important to remember that their are crucial to acknowledge the emergence of new kinds of jobs and machines replacing some old ones, so learning new job opportunities (revised for clarity) and the replacement of traditional roles by innovative technologies (revised for coherence). Consequently, adapting the curriculum to these changes plays a vital pivotal role in determining the if you can get a students' future success career or not. (revised for conciseness). By offering new contemporary courses, school schools can ensure that their students keep up with the modern society, which remain competitive in turn will let them have better chances applying for a better job. an evolving society (revised for clarity), ultimately enhancing their prospects for securing desirable employment (revised for conciseness).

Although Kelly highlights the importance of the emphasizes the unchanging nature of fundamental educational requirements haven't changed, and (revised for clarity) and suggests that students can learn acquire new courses by watching skills through online resources, she overlooks potential issues with the accuracy and reliability of such content (revised for coherence). In some instances, online instructional videos online, she fails to consider that most courses online may have regarding their prioritize popularity over accuracy but focusing on gaining popularity. In such cases, watching instructive videos online may brought inaccuracy knowledges to students and let them be hard for applying (revised for clarity), leading to misinformation and hindering students' ability to apply for jobs that requires new requiring expertise in cutting-edge technologies or courses. subjects (revised for conciseness). Therefore, introducing new curriculums can prove updated curricula proves to be a better way of teaching more effective approach to educating students than maintaining the solely relying on traditional courses.coursework (revised for clarity and conciseness).

8 Mind Map

1. Introduction

   • Importance of incorporating new courses
   • Emergence of new job opportunities
   • Replacement of traditional roles by innovative technologies

2. Adapting curriculum

   • Pivotal role in students' future success
   • Ensuring competitiveness in evolving society

3. Contemporary courses

   • Enhancing prospects for securing desirable employment

4. Kelly's argument

   • Unchanging nature of fundamental educational requirements
   • Acquiring new skills through online resources

5. Issues with online resources

   • Accuracy and reliability concerns
   • Popularity over accuracy in instructional videos

6. Misinformation and hindrances

   • Impact on students' ability to apply for jobs requiring expertise

7. Introducing updated curricula

   • More effective approach to education than traditional coursework

8. Conclusion

   • Importance of adapting curriculum to societal changes and job market demands

9 Key Words