TOEFL TPO -1 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: whether it is beneficial to hire celebrities or ordinary people to promote products for companies

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 3.5

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.0

• Language Use and Grammar: 2.5

2. 预估分数

• Estimated Score: 20

3. 任务完成度

此篇文章在任务完成度方面表现一般。虽然作者提出了自己的观点，认为雇佣名人比普通人更能有效地推广产品，但论据和例子较少，有待进一步完善。建议作者在论述观点时多加入具体的例子和数据，以增强说服力。

改进示例1（英文）： Instead of saying "Hired with celebrities are more prone to attract their celebrities’ fans to buy these products," you could provide a specific example, such as "When Nike hired basketball star Michael Jordan as their spokesperson, sales of Air Jordan sneakers skyrocketed, proving the effectiveness of celebrity endorsements."

改进示例2（英文）： Rather than stating "when they need products, they are more likely to choose the products that these well-known celebrities promote," you could elaborate on this point by explaining the psychological reasons behind it, such as "Consumers tend to trust the opinions of celebrities they admire and associate their positive qualities with the products they endorse."

4. 文章结构与组织

文章结构方面需要加强。首先，文章缺乏一个明确的引言部分来引导读者了解即将讨论的主题。其次，正文段落之间缺乏清晰的过渡，使得文章在逻辑上显得有些混乱。建议作者在写作时注意段落结构，确保每个段落都有一个中心论点，并使用恰当的过渡词汇连接各个段落。

改进示例1（英文）： Add an introduction to your essay, such as "In the world of advertising, companies often face the dilemma of choosing between celebrities and ordinary people to promote their products. This essay will argue that hiring celebrities is more beneficial for companies due to their ability to attract fans and establish trust with consumers."

改进示例2（英文）： Improve transitions between paragraphs by using phrases like "Firstly," "Additionally," and "In conclusion." For example, after discussing how celebrities can attract fans, you could transition to the next point with "Additionally, hiring celebrities can also help establish trust with consumers who are not familiar with the product."

5. 语法批改

When it comes to the question of whetherwhether(the question whether (whether) etc.) it is beneficial to hire celebrities to promote their products or have ordinary people, from my perspective, I strongly assert that it is a really effective way to hire celebrities in steadinstead(Hyphenated words: in stead) of ordinary people. What we should not neglect is that it is more likely to spend a large amount of money to make an advertisement by someone, then can not increase sales effectively. In order to solve this question, only though hiring celebrities to promote products can they be able to solve this question. Hired with celebrities are more prone to attract their celebrities’ fans to buy these products, so that this is able to increase the sales without double. What’s more when hire celebrities, these people who are not familiar with this product, however, (Two consecutive spaces)they know this famous celebritycelebrity(famous celebrity (celebrity)) when they need products, they are more likely to choose the products that these well known celebrities promote. Therefore, hiring celebrities to recommend the products is more effective than having ordinary people.

Section Title: 6 Article Revision

In the debate of whether companies should hire celebrities or ordinary people to promote their products, I firmly believe that engaging celebrities is a highly effective strategy. It is crucial to recognize that investing a significant amount of money in advertising without yielding substantial sales growth can be detrimental. To address this issue, hiring celebrities to endorse products proves to be a viable solution. Collaborating with well-known figures is more likely to captivate their fans and entice them to purchase the endorsed products, thereby increasing sales considerably. Furthermore, even for those unfamiliar with the product, the association with a renowned celebrity can influence their decision-making process when seeking similar items. As a result, enlisting celebrities for product promotion proves to be more advantageous than relying on ordinary individuals. (133 words)

When it comes to In the question debate of whether it is beneficial to companies should hire celebrities or ordinary people to promote their products or have ordinary people, from my perspective, (clarification of the question), I strongly assert firmly believe that it engaging celebrities is a really highly effective way strategy (more natural phrasing). It is crucial to hire recognize that investing a significant amount of money in advertising without yielding substantial sales growth can be detrimental (rephrased for clarity and conciseness). To address this issue, hiring celebrities in stead of ordinary people. What we should not neglect is that it to endorse products proves to be a viable solution (rephrased for clarity). Collaborating with well-known figures is more likely to spend captivate their fans and entice them to purchase the endorsed products (rephrased for natural tone), thereby increasing sales considerably (conciseness). Furthermore, even for those unfamiliar with the product, the association with a large amount of money renowned celebrity can influence their decision-making process when seeking similar items (rephrased for clarity and natural tone). As a result, enlisting celebrities for product promotion proves to make an advertisement by someone, then can not increase sales effectively. In order to solve this question, only though hiring celebrities to promote products can they be able to solve this question. Hired with celebrities are more prone to attract their celebrities’ fans to buy these products, so that this is able to increase the sales without double. What’s more when hire celebrities, these people who are not familiar with this product, however, they know this famous celebrity when they need products, they are more likely to choose the products that these well known celebrities promote. Therefore, hiring celebrities to recommend the products is more effective advantageous than having relying on ordinary people.individuals (concise conclusion).

8 思维导图

- Introduction
  - Debate: celebrities vs. ordinary people for product promotion
  - Thesis: engaging celebrities is highly effective

- Argument 1: Sales growth
  - Importance of effective advertising
  - Celebrities captivate fans and entice purchases

- Argument 2: Decision-making influence
  - Association with renowned celebrity affects decision-making process
  - Advantageous for those unfamiliar with the product

- Conclusion
  - Celebrities prove to be more advantageous than ordinary individuals for product promotion.

9 关键词