TOEFL TPO -1 Academic Discussion Writing Sample: In your online discussion, please explain what you think companies can do to make themselves more attractive to potential employees.

1. 子项得分

• Relevance and Contribution to Discussion: 4.0

• Clarity and Elaboration of Viewpoint: 3.5

• Language Use and Grammar: 3.5

2. 预估分数

22. 3 任务完成度

这篇文章在完成任务方面做得不错，但还有一些需要改进的地方。首先，虽然你提到了安德鲁和克莱尔的观点，但在文章中并没有充分讨论他们的意见。其次，在讨论薪资时，你可以提供更多具体的例子和细节来支持你的观点。此外，尝试使用更多的连接词和短语来使文章更连贯。

示例1：你可以在讨论安德鲁和克莱尔的观点时加入一些评价性的语句，如：“虽然安德鲁关于公司位置的看法有一定道理，但这并不能满足所有员工的需求。”

示例2：在谈论薪资时，可以提供一个具体的例子来支持你的观点：“例如，在同样条件下，大多数人会选择那个能提供更高薪资待遇、帮助他们实现梦想和目标的公司。”

4. 文章结构与组织

文章结构方面需要改进。首先，在引言部分，可以更明确地提出你的主要观点。其次，正文部分可以分为几个段落，每个段落专注于一个具体的观点，并提供支持细节。最后，在结论部分，可以总结你的观点并呼应引言。

建议1：在文章开头明确提出你的主要观点：“在本次讨论中，我认为公司为了吸引潜在员工，应该关注提高薪资待遇。”

建议2：在正文部分使用连接词和短语来使文章更连贯：“首先，尽管安德鲁关于公司位置的看法有一定道理，但这并不能满足所有员工的需求。其次，在谈论薪资时，我们需要考虑到……”

5. 语法批改

Both Andrew and Claire have their merits. According to Andrew, convenient location make the job attractive. And Claire states the food options will fascinatesfascinate(Non-infinitive verb after modal verbs) employees. However, both solutions cannot satisfy most employees’ basic needs. I think the most important aspect for the employees when they make an option to a certain company is absolutely the salary. Nowadays, with the increasingly sufficient corporeal, people all having strong desire to achieve a better living quality. And the only way to earn money is via working. For example, nobody will refuse a job that can provide a huge amount of money for them to buy a self-owned apartment and pay for the car independently. To sum up high salary make the job opportunity compatible.

Section Title: 6 Article Revision

While Andrew and Claire present valid points regarding location and food options as factors that can make a company more attractive to potential employees, these solutions may not address the fundamental needs of most workers. In my opinion, the most crucial aspect for employees when considering a job opportunity is the salary. As material wealth becomes increasingly accessible, individuals strive to attain a higher quality of life. Employment serves as the primary means of earning income to achieve these goals. For instance, few would reject a job offering substantial financial compensation, enabling them to purchase their own home or vehicle without relying on external support. Therefore, offering competitive salaries is essential in attracting potential employees. (120 words)

Revised essay: Section Title: 7 Article Revision

Both Andrew and Claire have their merits. merits (Changed "merits" to "valid points" for clarity and a more natural tone). According to Andrew, convenient location make the job attractive. attractive (Corrected grammar: "make" to "makes"). And Claire states the food options will fascinates employees. employees (Corrected grammar: "fascinates" to "fascinate"). However, both solutions cannot satisfy most employees’ basic needs. needs (Reworded for clarity and a more natural tone). I think the most important aspect for the employees when they make an option to a certain company is absolutely the salary. salary (Reworded for clarity and a more natural tone). Nowadays, with the increasingly sufficient corporeal, people all having strong desire to achieve a better living quality. quality (Reworded for clarity and a more natural tone). And the only way to earn money is via working. working (Changed "via" to "through" for a more natural tone). For example, nobody will refuse a job that can provide a huge amount of money for them to buy a self-owned apartment and pay for the car independently. independently (Reworded for clarity and a more natural tone). To sum up high salary make the job opportunity compatible.compatible (Reworded for clarity and a more natural tone).

While Andrew and Claire present valid points regarding location and food options as factors that can make a company more attractive to potential employees, these solutions may not address the fundamental needs of most workers. In my opinion, the most crucial aspect for employees when considering a job opportunity is the salary. As material wealth becomes increasingly accessible, individuals strive to attain a higher quality of life. Employment serves as the primary means of earning income to achieve these goals. For instance, few would reject a job offering substantial financial compensation, enabling them to purchase their own home or vehicle without relying on external support. Therefore, offering competitive salaries is essential in attracting potential employees.

8 思维导图

graph LR
A[Essay Structure] --> B[Location]
A --> C[Food Options]
A --> D[Salary]
A --> E[Quality of Life]
A --> F[Employment]
A --> G[Financial Compensation]
A --> H[Competitive Salaries]

B --- I{Andrew & Claire}
C --- I
D --- J{Opinion}
E --- J
F --- J
G --- J
H --- J

9 关键词